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I've spent the last fifteen years in the pursuit of a single goal - avoiding having to get a real job. So far, so good.

Of course as a result, I've done a lot of "odd jobs" to make ends meet. Although, considering that my "regular" career is as a humor writer and corporate comic, I'm not sure how to tell what "odd" is anymore. I occasionally walk dogs for the person who walks dogs for me. Is that odd? Is it odd if one of them rides in a wagon and we all wear matching outfits? I've landscaped a friend's business. That's not odd. Okay, there were some funny plants in there, but who am I to judge?

But even though I've been successfully avoiding the 9 to 5 life for years, I like to be prepared just in case my current career starts to fizzle. Gotta have a plan to keep me from turning to a life of crime in my golden years. So I always keep an eye out for jobs that are available that require little if any knowledge, skill, or commitment.. For a while I also kept a list of personal ads on my desk with the "Sugar Daddies" circled in red, but my husband started to object. So now I hide that list under the fax machine.

Church music director. It didn't say what church, but it doesn't much matter to me, because I like music. And often when Lyle Lovett or John Prine are blasting from my CD player, I conduct. Sometimes while naked and on my mini trampoline. Okay, now I'll wait fifteen seconds for those of you who have taken a little side trip... Ready? Okay, I figure I'm perfect for the church music director job. I love bossing people around and I can do it either in song or while humming. And I'd promise to wear clothes. Except on Casual Fridays.

Assemble products at home. I've always wondered what kind of products it makes more sense to have assembled at people's houses rather than in a warehouse somewhere. Surely not anything that requires cleanliness because I know I tend to eat at my desk and I assume everyone else does too. But I've always been interested in assembling things. When I was a kid, I asked my dad for Lincoln Logs, then later, an Erector Set. I got neither. That didn't stop me from building bridges out of the tubes of mascara my stepmother bought me in her wild attempts to make me behave like a girl. I also reassembled my sister's Barbie and Ken dolls after I'd ripped them apart. Sure I may have confused a few parts, but I chalk that up to my creative nature. Yes, assembly at home sounds good. But I refuse to put together nuclear warheads or cargo ships. I don't have that kind of space.

Interpreters. Okay, this one specifically asks for Albanian, Cantonese, and Sign Language, and I'm not fluent in any of those. Although I do have a fairly large repertoire of hand gestures that are universally understood. I am good at interpreting dog, cat, mother, demented mother-in-law, half-asleep husband, and customer service representative. I think the later would be a great job for me. Instead of calling tech support for your computer, for example, you'd call me and I'd reword your American idioms and profanity into short sentences that underpaid overseas operators could understand. Then, I'd do the reverse. Imagine how much stress I'd save people!

Strip poker players. Yes, the ad says you can get paid to play strip poker. It also says "Girls 18-28" and I'm a little over 28, if you calculate in base 7. But here's the thing - I'm good at poker. I used to belong to a poker club back in the early 90s when most people thought Texas Hold 'Em was a technique kids were required to use to get from one Stuckeys to the next while dad was driving on the Interstate. "But I gotta go now!" Since I can play, I probably wouldn't end up taking off more than an earring or two. Besides, I still look 28 in the right light, while lying down with a sheet draped over my body and cucumbers over my eyes.

Yep, I'm feeling pretty secure knowing there are so many jobs for commitment phobes like me out there. And if worse comes to worse, I can always check out what's under the fax machine.

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