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Advice Kids Really Need

Written by Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant
Wednesday, 25 April 2007

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As graduation time nears, parents across the U.S. are looking for just the right advice to give their offspring in hopes of continuing to shape their children's lives as they move on. But much of the old advice parents heard growing up, is moot. The old "Never leave the house without a dime for a phone call," for example, hasn't been pertinent since phone calls went up to a quarter, then fifty cents. (Although I hear if you can still find a pay phone these days, it costs at least $7 dollars to call rapper, 50 Cent because the man doesn't shut up). Now that kids are surgically attached to cell phones by the time they reach seven, the only reason they need a dime is to pry the battery cover off the back of their Motorola Razr when the power runs out while they're filming recess.

One of the best ways of upgrading your parental advice is to follow the news and think about the lessons it teaches. For example, in the past few months we've learned:

From Don Imus: If you don't have something nice to say about someone, make sure you say it during the commercial break when your microphone is turned off.

Similarly, from Alec Baldwin: If you don't have something nice to say about your daughter, don't say it on voicemail, tell it to her in person.

Although from Ann Coulter: If you don't have something nice to say about someone, put it in a book and do that whole Sharon Stone crossing and uncrossing your legs thing on your TV promotion tour.

Similarly, from Simon Cowell: If you don't have something nice to say about someone, wear a really tight t-shirt and use a British accent while saying it.

From Anna Nicole Smith and Paris Hilton: If you were born dumb and blonde, the only way to truly get attention is to be really dumb, really blonde, and mostly naked most of the time. And it doesn't hurt if you die mysteriously.

From Hillary Clinton: If you were born smart and blonde and hope to be president, you might want to take a page from Anna Nicole Smith and Paris Hilton. Get pregnant or carry a small dog around on the campaign trail.

From Nancy Peolosi: If you were born smart and brunette, hop a plane to Syria just to tick off the administration. But make sure to bring home souvenirs for all your grandkids.

From Sanjaya Malakar: If you were born with good hair and a little talent, flaunt those tresses every chance you get.

From John Edwards: If you were born with good hair and a lot of talent, wear a baseball cap that says "Fish Fear Me" to keep from being called a big pansy or worse by people like Ann Coulter.

From Al Gore: When life hands you lemons, make a movie about how all the lemon trees are going to burn up with global warming. Collect your Academy Award and smile for the cameras.

From Ralph Nader: No means no.

From Alberto Gonzalez and Scooter Libby: If you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, claim you don't remember putting it in there. Imply that it's really someone else's hand, but you don't remember whose.

From Karl Rove: Do whatever the hell you want because you've convinced everyone around you that you are the anti-Christ and will bring Armageddon down upon them before they finish packing.

From the thousands of middle-aged men and women who thought they found true love online: Don't judge a person by their online screen name.

From the Girls Gone Wild filmographer: When it absolutely, positively, has to be filmed overnight, make really, really sure the girl really is of legal age.

From John Ratzenberger, Jerry Springer, John O'Hurley, and George Hamilton: When life starts to suck and your career has been reduced to doing chip commercials or avoiding flying chairs, try ballroom dancing.

From any former member of a long-forgotten boy band: Girls may swoon over a man in uniform, but it's a lot safer to try ballroom dancing instead. Fewer IEDs.

To all the kids chronicling their every moment on MySpace and YouTube: Get a life. It's okay if you don't show us what color socks you picked out this morning or what was stuck in your teeth after lunch.