Fatherhood has been a learning experience to say the least. Other than the Saturday parenting class at the "lady parts" doctor's office, we had no formal training preparing us for what we were about to endure. We were given almost every parenting guidebook on the shelves before birth, but after reading a few chapters I just couldn't take it anymore. When one book tells you something different than the next book and the next book, which is right? None of them, actually. People wrote those books knowing full well those tips and methods didn't work for them, either. They just happened to be good writers who thought they could make a buck or two by spewing advice in a book that should have been labeled "fiction" and sold alongside the Harry Potter series.

There is one book I enjoyed and read all of called, "Keeping the Baby Alive till Your Wife Gets Home." It is a humorous take on becoming a new parent. I like funny books so that is probably why I read it cover to cover. In the spirit of keeping parenting humor alive, I thought I might share some of the things I have learned since becoming a new dad. By no means is this a book I want to sell you or should you even take this advice. Nevertheless, here comes "Alpha Bits For Your Parenting Soul."

B - Be careful when little ears are listening to you talk on the phone to your friends. One slip of the tongue and your child is teaching the preschool class new words that will get you a phone call from the teacher.

C - Cremating your deceased pets and having their ashes returned in a box will intrigue your toddler and creep you out a little bit.

D - Don't forget to pack an extra change of underwear and clothes for your son who drinks too much juice and can't make it to the bathroom on time. If you don't, he will end up wearing his best friend's underwear. You will also have to break the news to him someday that he wore his best friend's Superman tighty whities and they were too big.

E - Every time you plan on leaving the house at 9:00 AM for a trip to the grandparents you will find out that it really means you are lucky to leave by noon.

F - Forget about ever having alone time with your spouse unless you are planning on making another baby. Hold out hope for the future and know your kids will be leaving for college in about fifteen years. You can resume your relationship then.

G - Good luck finding things that get lost around the house like the stereo remote. Your newly walking baby will learn that if you leave the pantry door open she can help you throw things away in the trash. Babies at that age still think trash includes your cell phone and car keys, too.

H - "How To" books on parenting are recyclable. Save the trees.

I - Interesting things that your baby mumbles are only interesting to you and your spouse, and maybe the grandparents, too, but certainly not your childless unmarried friends. They would rather you stop talking and concentrate on the task at hand, like the ballgame on TV or that cold beer that is getting warmer as you talk.

J - Just as soon as you get your kids to sleep, the doorbell will ring and some pushy magazine seller, petition drive hippie (no offense to you hippies), or cleaning supplies seller will wake them up. A "No Soliciting" sign worked for me, as did disconnecting my doorbell.

K - Krabby Patties will become a household term.

L - Lecturing your toddler about why he cannot ride his tricycle in the street does not work as well as screaming, "Look out for that car!" and watching his tires screech at the end of the driveway. Who cares if the car was parked? Sometimes you have to scare them a little.

M - Menus at a restaurant for children are just another way for them to suck money out of your wallet. Most kids never eat all that food and it goes to waste. Let them eat free crackers and feed them more when you get home.

N - Never take any of the stuff I have written seriously.

O - Ordering pizza is a great way to avoid the hassle of cooking but not a great way to stay in shape. Once the kids leave for college you can worry about getting back in shape since your relationship with your spouse will heat up again.

P - Pee-pee is the obvious choice for this letter. Pee-pee on the floor, pee-pee on your clothes, pee-pee in the car seat, pee-pee on the dog, and pee-pee pretty much everywhere else but the toilet where it belongs.

Q - Questionable items that might be choking hazards really are hazards. Just plan on removing everything smaller than a softball from your house until your child gets over the urge to taste stuff that isn't food. If you have a dog you should scoop the poop. You really don't want your child choking on dog crap.

R - Receipts are something to always keep. If your kids break a toy you can blame it on poor construction and most stores will take it back.

S - Sleep is something you will learn to live without until you take a road trip and let your spouse do the driving while you take shots of Children's Benadryl.

T - Take your camera with you whenever possible. You don't want to miss that sweet hug between brother and sister on the playground or the shot of little sister grabbing big brother's shorts and yanking them down on the monkey bars.

U - Unless you enjoy not having any friends you should never lecture parents on the best way to raise their children. While I have never done this myself, I have seen it happen.

V - Vacuum cleaners are a great way to drown out that annoying baby and toddler sing-along CD your child insists on hearing again.

W - Weekends are when you are able to get a ton of stuff done. Good luck with that.

X - X-Rays at the doctor's office are covered by insurance when your seven-month old crawls headfirst off the bed onto the hardwood floor. Oops.

Y - Years go by and it seems like yesterday.

Z - Zippers on pants and shorts can pose a safety risk to your son's you-know-what. It's not just us dads who wear boxers that have to be careful.

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