 Oh, how the mighty have fallen (no pun intended). According to an article on cnn.com, "Rush Limbaugh was detained for about 3 1/2 hours at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities said they found a bottle of Viagra in his possession without a prescription." The Palm Beach County sheriff's office claims, "We believe there may be a second degree misdemeanor violation, which is possession of certain drugs without a prescription, because the bottle does not have his name on it." Why wasn't his name on it? Limbaugh's attorney claims the bottle was "labeled as being issued to the physician rather than Mr. Limbaugh for privacy purposes." How about that privacy now? Oops! I guess it's not enough that he's a right-wing prick. His ding dong doesn't work either. No bueno.
This is how you make a rock star comeback. According to an article on statesman.com, "Axl Rose was arrested early Tuesday after allegedly biting a security guard in the leg in a hotel scuffle." It was unclear what caused the fight, but Swedish tabloids said the guard tried to intervene when the 44-year-old rocker started arguing with a woman in the hotel lobby. The police spokesperson claimed, "He was deemed too intoxicated to be questioned right away." It's kind of hard to deny reports that your reclusive behavior stems from the fact that you are crazy when you start biting security guards in the throes of a career comeback. Now, I don't know about you (insert serious sarcastic tone here) but I've been waiting for Chinese Democracy to come out since the day it was announced to be in the works some ten years ago. Really. What next? Fighting with fashion designers? Oh, you already did that.
One of the greatest sentences handed down by a U.S. judge, ever. According to an article on msnbc.com, "The one-time Culture Club singer [Boy George] will do five days of court-ordered community service as an employee of the Department of Sanitation." That's right, folks. Boy George will be a garbage man. How did Boy get into this predicament? The article goes on to explain, "He called police with a bogus report of a burglary at his lower Manhattan apartment last October, and the responding officers said they found cocaine inside." Hello? Is this 911? Yes, well, I think someone broke into my house. Yes, there are giant spiders stealing my clothes and taking beer from my fridge. Really, I swear. No, I'm not on dope... Hold on, someone's at the door... silence, followed by the sound of a door opening... Hi officer. Yes, I called you about a burglary. There are giant spiders in my house, somewhere. I swear. No, that's not cocaine on my coffee table. That's Ajax. I was getting ready to clean my house. Today is cleaning my house day. Why are you pulling out the handcuffs?
It's so hard out here for a pimp. According to an article on cnn.com, "Republican Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa is hoping to stamp out the sex trade by taxing pimps and prostitutes, then jailing them when they don't pay." Under the senator's proposed law, "a pimp could get up to 10 years in prison for each prostitute for whom the pimp hasn't filed a W-2, which means a pimp caught with 10 unregistered prostitutes faces a century in prison." Damn. Not only does a pimp have to deal with all his bitches and their problems, he's got to get them to fill out W-2 forms? Damn. What's this world come to? Why is it that I'm paying $3 a gallon for gasoline but our senators have the time and energy to come up with pimp legislation? Who is being pimp-slapped now?
Our local governments are on the case. It's true. According to an article on news8austin.com, "It's OK to drink alcohol in a Travis County park just as long as it doesn't look like that's what you're doing." The article goes on to say, "They are banning the public display of alcohol consumption at county parks [in Travis County, Texas], which means putting your beer in a cup or somehow concealing the can." So there you have it. Some say Michael Jackson was crazy for putting his Jesus juice in a Pepsi can. Seems like Michael was way ahead of his time. Some alcoholic recipes you'll never find in a bartender's manual that are great for concealed consumption:
- Vodka and Gatorade. Pour out half your Gatorade, preferably Fruit Punch, and add equal parts vodka. Guaranteed to help your basketball game.
- Everclear and Capri Sun. With a syringe, inject one ounce of Everclear in the Capri Sun straw hole. Enjoy your beverage at a city park or community pool.
- Budweiser in a sippy cup. Pour a can of Budweiser into a baby leak-proof sippy cup. Looks like your drinking apple juice. Tastes like heaven.
And finally, the "You Won't Believe This Shit" award this week goes to the city of Cleveland. According to an article on cnn.com, "Officers who went to a home to serve a search warrant found a skeleton in the bed where an 80-year-old woman said her mother was sleeping." The article goes on to say, "After persuading her to let them in the house, the officials pulled back the blanket on the bed and found the skeleton." Shhhhh, be very, very quiet. My mother is "sleeping." She's had a long day and she'll be mad as hell if you wake her. What did you say, officer? Boy George? Who the hell is Boy George? No, I don't know any Boy George.
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