All of you new parents or soon to be new parents out there – this is your warning! The parenting gods are watching and listening to you. The parenting gods are unstoppable forces of nature that derive pleasure out of making judgmental moms and dads suffer for their words.

If you are a mom or dad who has ever said something like, “My children will never ______,” that may mean trouble is in your future. If you say your child will never use bad words in public then they will more than likely prove you wrong during communion at church.

“Godammit! This bread is stale!” they will eloquently say to the minister.

Yes, the parenting gods are watching you so you had better watch yourself. If you say to other parents, “I can’t believe she lets him run around the front yard in just a diaper. Why doesn’t she make him wear clothes?” – then you will surely have the kid who strips down naked and runs away from you at the mall. While you are frantically picking up their clothes off the floor, they will have a ten-second head start towards the crystal and china department at Macy’s. Good luck with that.

Another one to avoid is, “My children will not be picky eaters. They will eat all of their vegetables.” This may create a war zone at home. Those vegetables will become tiny grenades hurled at you from the kitchen table. You are just setting yourself up for a child who eats nothing but crackers and peanut butter. Hopefully they won’t be allergic to peanut butter.

The Super Mommies and Daddies out there who claim, “I will have my kids potty trained by the time they are two-years old,” be VERY careful. This statement could really upset the parenting gods. You don’t want to be sending your teenager care packages to college with adult diapers stashed under the cookies. They might have a hard time explaining that one to their dorm mates and then a new drinking game will be invented: How many beers can you drink before you fill up your diaper?

The classic of all the statements made by new parents is, “My children will know how to behave in public and will never throw a tantrum.” This is a bold and dangerous statement to even think quietly in your head much less say out loud to other people. If you are lucky, at Target your child will only scream, “No! No! No! I want that Spider-Man toy! I want it! I want it! I want it!”

If you really make the parenting gods angry you will get, “No! I’m not getting up off the floor! No! Don’t spank my butt! NOOOOOOO! I’m not going home! I want Spider-Man, dammit!”

Then there is one of my all time favorites, “My child will never pick his nose!” Come on, how many kids out there do you think have actually never picked their nose? None! Every child wants to find out what’s up there and the bigger and slimier it is, the better! A more realistic approach to this issue would be to say, “My child will never eat his boogers.” The parenting gods may let you off easy for this statement by just having your older child feed your younger child their boogers instead.

Consider yourself warned about the parenting gods if you have not yet heard about them. I pray for your safety and sanity if it is too late and you have already said some of these things to other parents. For those of you who think I am crazy and the parenting gods are just a myth, go ahead and test them. I’ll try and hide my smirk when I see you in public trying to fight off their wrath.

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