I've been happily married for five
years. I'm very lucky to have nabbed a truly wonderful gal. Do people still
call them gals? Whatever.
One of the
central issues in our relationship since we've married has been the method by
which I proposed. It wasn't very good. It was actually pretty sucky.
You know those
videotaped proposals you sometimes see on TV? The really spectacular ones
where the guy parachutes into a baseball stadium with "Marry me, Karen" written
on the parachute? Yeah, it wasn't one of those. But whenever one of those
proposals appears on our television, the wife looks over at me and sighs
mournfully.
In my defense,
the ring I got her was amazing. Really freaking incredible. She had seen the
ring before and her eyes lit up so bright when she first saw it that it became
difficult to look at her. She then shrugged and said to herself that this ring
was for a much prettier girl with a much wealthier suitor.
I knew then
that whatever I had to do, she would have that ring. I did a comedy gig for a
corporation that paid me far too much money and my plan was to surprise her
with the very ring that she coveted.
I bought the
ring and kept it in my pocket for a whole two days, just waiting to surprise
her with the Ring to End All Rings. I was managing a restaurant and she popped
in when I got off work. And then... and then...
I pulled it out
of my pocket, held it out to her, shrugged sheepishly and said, "Here."
That was it. I
didn't get down on one knee. I didn't ask her father for her hand, I didn't
actually even ask her to marry me. I thought (simpleton that I am) that
getting her an amazing ring was all I had to do. I didn't realize that an
amazing ring is only half the battle.
I didn't
understand that by committing an egregious error like this, I was dooming
myself to spending the rest of my marriage with every argument with my wife
ending in, "Oh yeah? Well you gave me a crappy proposal!"
And that's the
end of the argument, right there. Because a guy can't come back from that.
There's no, "Yeah? Well you're a terrorist sympathizer!" She's not, but even if
she were, that's more forgivable than committing a crappy proposal.
If there were
one moment in my life that I wish I could have back to do over, it would be
that one. And I would do it totally different. It would be the proposal that no
one could ever top.
I would have an
orchestra. There would be a parade with elephants and unicorns. Fireworks would
rain down like confetti. Her father would be there, wearing a t-shirt with my
picture on it. The President would declare a national holiday. It would be
carried live on every channel.
A team of chefs
would prepare shish kebabs made from the meat of sperm whales, dolphins and
California Condors. I would not only have the words, MARRY ME, BECCA tattooed
on my face, but I would coordinate with NASA so that those words could also be
written on the moon in huge letters, large enough to be visible from Earth
For the piece
de resistance, I would pull out a samurai sword, disembowel myself, reach into
my innards, and produce the ring.
But I know that
five years later, when I bring up the Most Awesome Proposal in the World, she
would shrug and go...
"Yeah, it was
good, but... the Condor tasted a little gamey."
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Quirkee Voices 
(0 vote)
