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When you've been married as long as I have-a little more than one year-you notice that communication between you and your spouse is pretty much reduced to several key sentences and phrases, uttered over and over, amounting to a kind of code language. That's why people who have been married for, say, 20 years, need only exchange a series of grunts to communicate fully.

Following is a list of the phrases heard most often in our marriage. For fun and to test your knowledge of normal marital relationships, see if you can guess who is speaking in these phrases, my wife or me:

"You are a real psychopath."

"Look, I put the lint from the dryer in my belly-button, and now it's belly-button lint."

"Let's go home, Barbara. Let's go home."

"Don't stand by the window like that, people can see you."

"Don't you ever stop talking?"

"Ask for paper in plastic. Paper in plastic!"

"Let there be love."

"Don't you ever do that to me in public again."

(Singing) "On the road again, we're going on the road again, we're going on the road again, we're on the road again!"

"Get away from me, I'm warning you."

"Get out of the car."

"It looks like the sun is finally coming out, Barbara. It looks the sun is finally coming out."

"You're scaring me."

"Now you dance."

"Be a winner. It's a great feeling."

"You're a laundry asshole."

(Singing) "Lo-o-ve, soft as an easy chair . . . "

"I'm taping this."

"What happened to ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged'?"

"I wasn't talking about me not judging."

"I'm a winner, baby. Dig? A winner."

"Don't you ever shut up?"

"What did I tell you about my ears."

"Don't you buy no ugly car."

"Are you trying to kill me?"

"I have to go to the bathroom again."

"This is where you're getting out of the car."

"I'm hongry. This is by far the hongriest I've ever been."

"You have sick fantasies."

"I don't feel good."

"Why are you so filled with hate?"

"I don't like people touching my clothes."

(Singing) "To dre-e-am the im-possible dream, to fight the unfightable fo-o-e, to . . . uh . . . "

"You are a sick puppy."

"First I was too hot, now I'm too cold."

"Why me, God?"

"Now you sing."

"What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you . . . oww!"

"Why do you insist on driving on Mayfield Road?"

"I know I sound like a broken record, but I forgive you."

"You're the one filled with hate."

"You are psycho."

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