Cosmo Kramer had an intern for Kramerica Industries. Why can’t I have one? I don’t have enough time in my day to get everything done. I don’t want to pay a maid but maybe I should. I really don’t want to pay someone to mow the yard. I like to work in the yard. With the exception of going to the store alone that is the only time I get some peace, although not quiet peace since the lawnmower, weedeater, or blower is roaring at me the entire time. The sound of a 4.5 HP engine with the smell of gasoline, oil, and freshly cut grass tend to drown out the activity in my constantly buzzing brain – especially after a long (okay, short) winter of no yard work at all. I love springtime.
So why can’t a stay at home/work at home dad have an intern? I could be two months ahead on writing this column if I had an intern. There has to be a college class on family studies or something where I could find a pimple faced, laptop-carrying undergrad with no girlfriend that needs somebody to hang out with. We could work on my Web site, tweak my blogs and MySpace page, and break up scuffles between the toddler and one-year old! What fun! And when a “code brown” occurs I can teach him how to handle a baby that INSISTS on helping me wipe her bottom with her bare hand when the diaper comes off. There would be lessons an intern would never learn from a college professor.
The internship would not just consist of us dorking out in front of the
computer all day. There is also the eBay business to run. I could teach
my intern how to handle pushy online customers who demand that I
discount items (ignore them), the best way to pack a box so you don’t
exceed the next pound in shipping costs and lose money, inventory
management, photographing the item just right so people can actually
see what they are buying, etc., etc., etc. I think my intern would
learn a lot.
So the whole day is not boring with the business end of things, I would
take my intern to the grocery store – with the kids, of course. Before
leaving the house we would make our list and divide it into thirds like
a written map of the store. I would divide it into fourths but that
might confuse the poor hung over intern. After the list is made we
would send the toddler to the potty one more time. You don’t want to be
stuck with a cart full of dairy items, have to work your way to the
front of the store for a ten-minute bathroom stop, and then navigate
back to where you left off. I would point out to him that prior to
walking out the door you have to sniff the baby’s butt to make sure she
doesn’t have a “code brown” that would need to be changed in the
grocery store bathroom with a fidgety toddler who just wants to ride in
that stupid Barney cart again and whines when you tell him no. My
intern would start to have second thoughts about procreation after
this.
When the hour gets too late, I could teach my intern how to keep the
kids awake (candy and juice) so a late nap does not interfere with
their early (not really) bedtime routine. If my intern wanted to stick
around for dinner one day, I could show him how to successfully pull
off a gourmet meal of pork tenderloin, roasted garlic new potatoes, and
steamed vegetables – alongside chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese,
and applesauce. To go with this fabulous meal (the only one in my
repertoire) I would pour my intern the very much-deserved glass (or
three) of wine – but only if he is old enough. Oh, who cares? Show me
your fake ID, buddy!
On some days I would have to insist that my intern be available after
dinnertime to learn the pre-bedtime activities. There is a certain art
form (controlled chaos) to this that will allow you to be done in time
to catch one primetime show live on television while the other one is
recording – commercial free no less! These evenings run smoother when
Mommy is home and we can double up on the baths. The nights she is in
school I have a foolproof plan (skip baths) that allows me to relax on
the couch for some brain-numbing network programming at around 8:00 PM.
Once 24, The Unit, Lost, Grey’s Anatomy,
and any good sporting event are over, it is back to the computer to
check auctions, read through some stay at home dad sites, check and
send emails, update the blogs if needed, and play around in Photoshop
for about three more hours. Then it’s time to clean the kitchen. The
things I could teach a college intern in that department would stay
with him forever!
It’s time for me to get an intern. At the least I could have some
consistent adult conversation – even if it is about who got drunk and
slept with who at the college party, and what they said about it on
their MySpace page.
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Quirkee Voices 
(0 vote)
