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I'd like to end this nonsense once and for all.

There are a lot of people who have had children and can't stop telling me how great it is and asking when I'm going to get on the ball and get my wife knocked up. We have so far chosen to remain childless. This is a decision that has been regarded as "selfish" by a lot of people.

People like my parents. Her parents. Our brothers and sisters. Our friends and enemies. That lady on the flight to Atlanta. The Catholic Church. Orson Scott Card and Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, (that's a long story for another time).

Before the parents that are reading this start losing their shit, let me clarify that I'm not talking about your kid. I'm sure your kid is the most beautiful, smart, well-behaved, and charming thing that has ever been sprung forth from a womb. You're too sensitive, anyway. Whenever someone becomes a parent, they start going to PTA meetings, voting Republican, and bitching about network television content.

Lighten up, people. It is possible to be a parent and still be cool. I've seen it happen.

I'm talking about the kid that I might have. He or she would probably be a jerk. Hear me out, now. My wife is one of the nicest and most beautiful people I have ever known. She is patient and kind with animals and strangers. Also, her hair smells like flowers.

Conversely, I'm kind of an asshole. I don't suffer fools gladly and I am quick to criticize and bitch about anything at all and my hair smells like cigarettes and stale beer (this is further testament to what a great person she is... you know, that she's willing to be married to the likes of me).

But with my luck, the kid would get all of my bad traits and none of her good ones. Instead of having a youngster that loves puppies and unicorns and opens a lemonade stand to donate money to charity, we'd end up with some little five-year-old monster that gets drunk and whines about traffic and how much reality T.V. shows suck. Bless her, she already lives with one asshole. Why would I make her live with two?

Also, I'm a comedian. I'm on the road a lot and that wouldn't really be fair to a pregnant woman with raging hormones and ludicrous cravings that would result in a phone call to someplace in Iowa asking for ice cream that I just can't deliver. Plus there's a certain hand-in-hand that goes with the lifestyle of a comedian and the abuse of several substances. When you're my age and you drink as much as I do and you have children, people say that you're a lousy parent. When you're my age and you drink as much as I do and you don't have children, people say you have the makings for a terrific career in comedy.

So let's address the selfishness issue. There are several benefits that the welcoming of a child are supposed to come with. If I were a truly selfish person, one could argue that I would want to pursue these benefits with reckless and naked abandon.

Supposedly there is a tax write-off. No financial wizard, I. Yet I still am not fool enough that the best way to save money is to bring a child into the world. In reality, having a baby would cut into my vodka budget. Am I making a good enough argument to convince you that I'm not ready for a child? I'll proceed.

Another reason it might be beneficial for me to father a child is that some people think I'm gay. They think that I'm secretly a homosexual and that I married my wife so that she could serve as my "beard." People think this is true. People like my former boss. The Austin, Texas comedy community in general. The Catholic Church in particular. And Charles Nelson Reilly (another long story for another time). I'm not bothered or worried enough about this rumor to think that disproving it would be a good enough reason to bring a child into the world.

Which brings me to the next possible benefit for introducing my seed to my beloved's assumably fertile Fallopian tubes... Birth Control.

Our method for preventing pregnancy requires a tremendous amount of discipline, restraint, and timing on my part. But it is a method that I have almost perfected (I'm waiting eagerly for Sting to write Coitus Interruptus for Dummies). Until then, I'll soldier through with my own clumsy and awkward approach. I'm still working on the last part that requires a beach towel and a mop. But that's neither here nor there (actually it's both).

Suffice to say that I really enjoy my friends' and relatives' children. My nieces and nephews are beautiful and delightful and I could not be more proud of them. I love the fact that I get to delight in their personalities and achievements. In fact, I know that when my nephews reach the age of twelve, they will know the right moment to steal second base and more importantly, they will be well-versed in the finer points of writing a Great Dick Joke. My nieces will be proper young ladies who know better than to associate with a guy who tells dick jokes.

At the end of the day, if those things don't turn out right... hey it's not my fault! I'm only the uncle! They're your kids!

Grow up!

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