What do they serve these World Cup soccer fans? I understand being a fanatic about sports. I'm a huge basketball fan, particularly the San Antonio Spurs (don't mention our early oust from the playoffs this year unless you want a sour grimace in return). But you wouldn't catch me dead showing up to a Spurs game dressed like this guy. Does he think he's helping his team? Is his mother proud? Does his country look upon him as the ultimate example of devotion and patriotism? Or did he order one too many Heinekens? Stadium nachos and beer is a lethal combination, for sure. How else can you explain this?

On to the real news this week. According to an article on cnet.com, "For the first time in nearly two decades, television spinoffs from the original 1960s "Star Trek" series have ended, so fans are banding together to make their own episodes." That's right. The nerds have grown impatient and are creating their own episodes of Star Trek. According to Paul Sieber, a 40-year-old engineer for a government contractor, "The fans are saying, look, if we can't get what we want on television, the technology is out there for us to do it ourselves." First, we will create episodes of Star Trek. Next, sequels to the Star Wars movies. Then, we will get the chicks. They will love our creative initiative and our technical prowess with vector-based special effects. Did I mention my Uncle Walt is playing Zerg, the Klingon with a speech impediment?

The serial-scratcher was saved! According to an article on cnn.com, "A Connecticut judge on Tuesday spared the life of alleged serial-scratcher Lewis the cat, whom even Prozac could not tame, but ordered that the felonious feline remain inside his owner's home at all times." Apparently, this cat was such a bastard that a judge ordered to have him destroyed. But the judge later changed his mind. One of Lewis' victims claimed, "He attacks from the back ... You never see it coming. He has six toes on every foot, which constitutes a very formidable weapon ... He will not retreat ... His mouth is open and his tail is swishing ... Also, he gives out mixed signals ... He would sidle against you and purr. You bend down to pet him and he'd attack you." Hmmmm, sounds like someone I know. Oh yeah, my wife's childhood cat, Toby, who is famous in San Antonio, Texas for mauling everyone. He'd act cute and purr and the next thing you know... CHOMP! He'd sink his teeth in your hand. Lewis the cat was apparently prescribed Prozac but his owner took him off claiming it made him sleepy. Well, if he gets out of the house, he'll be visiting the BIG SLEEP. Good luck keeping him inside. Why do cat owners tolerate such behavior?

What's for dinner tonight? According to an article on wired.com, "What if the next burger you ate was created in a warm, nutrient-enriched soup swirling within a bioreactor? Edible, lab-grown ground chuck that smells and tastes just like the real thing might [be] at supermarkets in just a few years, thanks to some determined meat researchers." Mmmmm, lab-grown beef. Jason Matheny, a University of Maryland doctoral student and a director of New Harvest, a nonprofit organization that funds research on in vitro meat, claims, "Cultured meat isn't natural, but neither is yogurt ... And neither, for that matter, is most of the meat we eat. Cramming 10,000 chickens in a metal shed and dosing them full of antibiotics isn't natural. I view cultured meat like hydroponic vegetables. The end product is the same, but the process used to make it is different. Consumers accept hydroponic vegetables. Would they accept hydroponic meat?" Uh, my answer is NO. How can you compare plants that grow in water instead of dirt to meat cultured from stem cells instead of farm-raised animals? That's got to be one of the creepier things I've heard, really. Imagine this: football field-size trays of cultured "meat" cells. Sounds appetizing, doesn't it?

Speaking of meat, according to an article on cnn.com, "Boca Raton Mayor Steven Abrams could barely speak between bites Tuesday as he devoured the 20-ounce, $100 hamburger billed as the "beluga caviar of sandwiches." That's right, folks, $100 hamburger. The owner of the restaurant serving this culinary delight claimed, "We've never had a hamburger on our menu here so we really wanted to go to the extreme." The exotic burger was created with beef from three continents -- American prime beef, and meat from Japanese Kobe and Argentine cattle. Next on the menu: $200 hot dog comprised of lips and assholes from endangered species around the world.

Is that a sword in your pocket, Grandpa? According to an article on cnn.com, "A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection." Charles "Chick" Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years before Viagra went on the market. But according to his lawyer, "Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment. He has become a recluse and is uncomfortable being around his grandchildren." Did he say ride a bike? Poor guy, I can't imagine not hugging my kids because of a permanent erection. Here's a list of other things I'm sure he couldn't do because of his boner:

• An erection would make a job interview uncomfortable.
• Sobriety test on the side of the road. He'd get two tickets, public drunkenness and lewd behavior.
• Forget taking a leak. You ever pissed with an erection? I didn't think so.
• How about jogging? Can't run with the flagpole up, either.
• Meeting your future in-laws? That would be a disaster.
• How about waiting tables? You would poke all your customers in the eye.
• Play quarterback on a football team. Yelling "hike" takes on a new meaning.
• Forget using power tools. You don't want to saw THAT piece of wood.

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