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My, you're looking very Shane today.

And somewhere someone is feeling very Alice. And somewhere else, some lesbian is acting very Phyllis, which is now lesbianese for DESPERATE. We all know that desperation is not the most attractive fragrance that one can wear, even a whiff will send me running.

Alice finds out that there is a party for Shane's underwear ad. It is called the "Roll the Dice" Party. Shane is not feeling so game, but that doesn't stop Alice's enthusiasm as she invites the whole gang to attend. Shane doesn't want anyone to know that she bowed to the machine of commerce and whored herself out in order to pay for Shay's 10 million dollar bionic arm.

In a confusing (at least if you're attempting to take notes) series of phone calls, Bette calls Alice because Bette wants Alice to call Phyllis, who won't stop phoning Bette and also won't stop calling Alice who is also calling Shane, who doesn't want Alice to phone anyone. During all of this Alice manages to get a commitment from everyone to go to Shane's party, all while avoiding Phyllis's phone calls.

Phyllis is freaking out because Alice won't call her back, and Alice is freaking out because Phyllis won't stop calling her. Bette tries the "Alice just needs some space" argument, but Phyllis just ignores her.

Jodi stops by Bette's office and tells Bette with the help of her gay boy interpreter, "Get over it." Bette tells Jodi, "Get over yourself" by batting her eyes flirtatiously. The intended effect is sort of lost.

Jebbie is up to her devious little tricks again. She calls Vet Lindsey to ask her help to pick out a puppy at the shelter. My question is, won't the shelter wonder why she is already back so soon after just receiving a dog. Unfortunately, Lindsey can't go because she and Stacey (Vagina Wig) have a romantic trip planned at a bed and breakfast.

Jebbie is thrown off a bit but not deterred. She borrows a cell phone, calls Stacey (Vagina Wig) and pretends to be from C Magazine. She offers her a fake writing job (is anyone else seeing a reoccurring theme with Jebbie) covering the Roll the Dice Party, and Stacey predictably puts her work ahead of her girlfriend. Sorry, Vet Lindsey, no romantic getaway for you and your Vagina Wig.

Tina comes to Bette's office (busy place) and informs Bette that she is difficult to reach by phone. Uhhhhmmm, excuse me Tina, not if you are Phyllis or Alice. Anyone else notice that when Tina has a conversation with someone that it is not really reciprocal? Tina is in fact INFORMING them about whatever it is that they have messed up, failed to accomplish or offended her about?

Tina needs Bette's signature for the paperwork to get Angelica admitted into Beverly Montessori. This scene just smacks of contrived. Bette is not even Angelica's legal parent, so what in the hell would Tina need her signature for? Nothing. It is simply an opportunity for the two of them to have another disagreement about who is the better parent or actually who has the bigger stick up their ass.

Unfortunately, I find myself agreeing with Tina on this topic. Bette wants to drive Angelica to a preschool that is 2 hours away and costs thousands of dollars a year. It is preschool for a 2 year old. It is not a prep class to get into Harvard. Anyway, won't there be job opportunities at THE PLANET for Angelica when she grows up?

Speaking of Angelica, Anus brings her up to see Momma B (it's such a stupid name) at, where else but her office. Bette wastes no time informing Anus that he needs to stop poking Sluttzel with his swizzle stick and, though he is indignant at first, he sees Momma B's point and promises to break it off before Momma B breaks it off for him.

Papi hears about the party for Shane, invites Tasha and tells Alice that she will come over and teach Alice how to play poker. Alice tells Shane the good news, and Shane can only whimper in protest.

Papi brings over a whole crew of people and the lesson begins. Papi dons her dealer's visor, and the age old question of whether Papi has a hat for every occasion, is answered.

Tasha and Alice continue to flirt back and forth while Helena rakes in the winnings. Papi flirts with a girl, who sits in her lap until another one of Papi's conquests shows up and starts a fist fight. Tasha handles the situation by telling Papi to handle her bitches.

Ahhh, lesbian terms of endearment. Note to self......

During the pussy fight, Tasha elbows Alice in the eye, and in white girl fashion, Alice is down for the count but not before delivering her dialogue of dismay, "Fuck my mother!"

A woman after my own heart, and fuck my father too!

Tasha takes Alice to the emergency room and shows Alice her extensive knowledge of the tell tale signs of internal injury. Alice is impressed though Tasha is not an EMT. Alice commits a social faux paux when she compares the ER to Iraq. Tasha is quick to let her know, in a post traumatic stress sort of way that the ER is nothing like Iraq.

Oh, so that's Tasha's problem! She has been in Iraq. Tasha lets Alice know that she doesn't really respect Alice's carefree activities while Tasha has been fighting for Alice's rights. Alice tells her, "I never asked you to go fight in George Bush's fucking war."

Bette goes to see Jodi in her studio so that they can have sex on a scaffold. My fantasy come true on the small screen. Bette is incredibly vulnerable with Jodi, which in the world of lesbians is a recipe for a broken heart. They do it and then end up at dinner where Jodi casually drops the "I hate kids" bomb on Bette.

Check please!

Maxipad is busy with his job when he is interrupted by a female coworker, Megan, lamenting being passed over for a man that is less qualified and has been with the company for a shorter time. Max being the great guy that he is commiserates with Megan and suggests to her that she sue the company for discrimination...or as an alternative to a messy legal battle, buy a pair of Dockers, bind your breasts and get on the T.

Either way, Megan, you will end up on top.

Later, Maxipad walks in on a meeting of the boy's club in the break room and hears his coworkers jeering Megan's plight. Just a bunch of great guys. Maxipad grabs his crotch, heads straight (get it.....s t r a i g h t) into Brooke's Daddy's office, pulls down his pants and gives Megan's assertion of discrimination credibility.

Perhaps, I've taken some poetic license, but Max did stand up for Megan by outing himself as a man trapped in a lesbian's body. Ooops! Now let's all listen for the sound of Maxipad's career getting flushed down the toilet.

Shane and Paige continue to stir up the sexual tension amongst themselves. I don't know when Shane grew a conscience, but she thinks that Paige is an amazing woman and doesn't want to fuck things up. I bet Carmen wishes that she had been privy to that kind of warning.

Paige is watching Shay for the evening while Shane goes to the Roll the Dice Party to do what she does best, BE! SHANE!

Stacey (Vagina Wig) goes to the party for her once in a lifetime interview with the one and only Shane, but finds that no one at the velvet rope entrance has heard of a Vagina Wig. They don't let her in, so she heads off to find Vet Lindsey, who is off making out with her piety, oh and Jebbie.

Jebbie and Vet Lindsey go to the Bed and Breakfast, which is just weird and wrong. I'm sorry, but don't invite me to the place where you had a romantic getaway planned with your significant other even if I am the other woman.

Eeeewwwwww.

Vet Lindsey gropes Jebbie like she hasn't had sex ever, but abruptly stops sucking on Jebbie's face when she is struck by the realization that she. is. cheating. Jebbie seems to understand Vet Lindsey's dilemma, and have genuine affection for her.

Jebbie tries to tell Vet Lindsey the truth of who she is and what the fuck she is doing pretending to own a dog and why she is tricking Vet Lindsey into committing adultery, but before she can get the whole sordid story out, Vagina Wig shows up, knock, knock, knocken on Jebbie's dooooorrr.

Busted! Vagina Wig indignantly calls her by her real name, "Schecter"! Jebbie spits, "Merkin"! and now the fun is just beginning. Jenny comes clean to Vet Lindsey, and offers the excuse of her need to impeach the truth of who Lindsey is in order to hurt Vagina Wig. Vet Lindsey can't believe that she's been duped, and she and Stacey leave in a lesbian huff. I can practically see the bobby pins flying just like in Bugs Bunny.

Too bad for Jenny, who, for once, appeared to truly care about someone more than she cares about herself. Now that's progress. At least Jenny, has a really cool place to stay for the weekend with Jebbie and the other 5 people that are living in there.

Helena, in a predictable plotline, manages to gamble away 50k and now owes Catherine Rothberg a favor worth 50k. I guess that we'll find out this Sunday what she wants. I only wish that Helena owed me a big bunch of money. I'm certain that I could find a way for her to work it off.

Alice and Tasha continue to flirt, and I believe that they will mix like chocolate and lard. Yummy! Please drop this horrible story line. Find something else to torture us with. Bring back Jebbie.

Jodi shows up at Bette's house to redeem herself. She starts by challenging Angelica to a game of Chutes and Ladders. Angelica schools her and then gives her a lesson in sign language that she's seen Momma B give Momma T.

This week the girls of The Planet bitch at each other, sleep with each other and occasionally stab one another in the back. It's a week like any other in my hood. Jenny adopts another personality. Phyllis continues to act like a character from Desperate Housewives. And I can't wait to share it all with you guys.

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Posted by Carol McClendon, on 02-21-2007, 1. This still makes me laugh Here it is a week later and I'm still amused by this...    Great article.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Misty Wright, on 02-19-2007, 2. ... I actually liked the phone call thing, but it could've been shorter. Loved the Tina is a self righteous bitch deep down observation. She always manages to come off so good intentiony.    Deaf girl is annoying, I agree. Shane's hair and make-up people should all be fired immediately, I think, and although you didn't mention it this time, I know you have in the past, and I agree:)    I could go on and on...but it's your column. Thanks for writing. It really feels like watching a show with a friend when I read your review.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Audrey, on 02-15-2007, 3. ... I'm glad I'm not the only one who found note-taking during those phone calls to be utter hell! Everyone else seemed to like this episode, but really the only part I liked was Bette & Jodi, and I guess Vet Lindsey looked pretty good with her top off. Other than that it was a snorefest.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment...