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Oh, to be in high school again. According to an article on statesman.com, "An Austin [Texas] High School art teacher who posed partially nude in photographs posted on the Web could soon be out of a job after the school board voted Monday to begin termination proceedings." The article goes on to say, "The teacher, Tamara Hoover, 29, has been on paid administrative leave since May 19 because "inappropriate material" was posted on a Web site, according to the district. A student notified school officials about the site's content, namely several portraits that show Hoover nude from the waist up." Hoover defended her actions in a blog by saying that the pictures are not pornography but "artistic photography." Artistic or not, can you imagine the student's reaction to seeing this teacher topless on a web site? You know how teenage boys are, don't you? This poor teacher will be the fodder of the over-stimulated, hyper-sexual imagination of hundreds of male high school students for, at least, the next week. Actually, the next 30 seconds... next.

The "Can You Believe This Shit" Award this week goes to the Homeland Security Department. According to an article on cnn.com, "A man using a fake identification card was able to enter the Homeland Security Department headquarters in Washington ... even though the United States government considers the type of Mexican-issued card he used invalid." The man who entered the building said a friend in California bought him the fake Mexican card for $20. Now, I know a flea market in San Antonio, Texas where you can buy fake ID cards for $10. The thought that I could buy one of these cards and possibly enter the building of the agency that is supposed to keep our country secure is completely preposterous to me. Seriously.

Newsflash for all you barflies, alcoholics, and Starbucks junkies! According to an article on usatoday.com, "Coffee may counteract alcohol's poisonous effects on the liver and help prevent cirrhosis." The article claims, "In a study of more than 125,000 people, one cup of coffee per day cut the risk of alcoholic cirrhosis by 20%. Four cups per day reduced the risk by 80%. The coffee effect held true for women and men of various ethnic backgrounds." So if you drink ten cups, will that reduce the risk by 200%? According to the study's co-author Arthur Klatsky of the Kaiser Permanente Division of Research in Oakland, "The way to avoid getting ill is not to drink a lot of coffee, but to cut down on the drinking of alcohol." Well, thanks for popping my bubble of hope, you bastard. Nothing like a goodie-two-shoes ruining the party, isn't it?

According to an article on cnn.com, "In a rare instance, Apple Computer Inc.'s iconic iPod music player surpassed beer drinking as the most "in" thing among undergraduate college students." The revelatory article goes on to say, "Nearly three quarters, or 73 percent, of 1,200 students surveyed said iPods were "in" -- more than any other item in a list that also included text messaging, bar hopping and downloading music." But I can guarantee you this: once their abysmal grades come in, beer drinking will regain the top spot. Other items on the "in" list:

1. 7% herpes, but it's just in, not "in."
   
2. 5% MySpace.com, because as Wooderson said in Dazed and Confused, "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."
3. 3% pot smoking, but their scholarship checks will arrive next month. Once cashed, a lot of doobage will be purchased and this percentage will skyrocket.
4. 1% pretend they've been kidnapped. There are always a few losers in the bunch.

According to an article on cnn.com, "A man who ran naked through his neighborhood to persuade his girlfriend to marry him got more than he bargained for when he was chased and shot at." The naked man was explaining to his girlfriend that, "taking risks [was] an important part of life and, to prove his point, jumped out of a first-floor window and ran naked across the street." But a passerby spotted him and when the naked man jumped in some bushes to escape, the passerby pulled a gun out and threatened to shoot him. Poor bastard! It's hard enough in this day and age to be original and romantic. And this guy had the courage to try to show his cynical girlfriend how serious he was. Too bad he didn't have the foresight to know that the local neighborhood terminator would be patrolling around the time he decided to whip Mr. Dingle out and run around like a crazed fool in love. They say love makes you do crazy things... point taken.

And finally, sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut. According to an article on statesman.com, "A motorist was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance after he was caught with two rocks of crack cocaine he had stashed in his ice cream dessert." Richmond [Texas] police spokesman Sgt. Lowell Neinast said [the motorist] told [the cop] that he wished he could finish the banana split he had in his car. When [the cop] saw the melting banana split on the front floorboard of [motorist]'s car, he noticed that it was topped with a square-shaped object that turned out to be crack cocaine. "One of the crack rocks was sitting right on top of the bananas," the cop claimed. It ain't easy being a crackhead. I sure wish I could (hint, hint) eat that melting ice cream (wink, wink) mysteriously placed on the floorboard (look at it, look at it!) of my car. Please, for the love of God, I'm jonesing for my banana split.

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