 According to an article on excite.com, "[A] report, commissioned late last year by the International Cycling Union, cleared the record seven-time Tour de France champion [Lance Armstrong] of allegations that he used performance-enhancing drugs during his first win in 1999." The article goes on to say, "tests on urine samples were conducted improperly and fell so short of scientific standards that it was "completely irresponsible" to suggest they "constitute evidence of anything." They were also quick to note that the urine had a slightly green tint and smelled a little "stinky," suggesting the cyclist ate an over abundant amount of broccoli. Broccoli has nutrients proven to help prevent cancer but it shouldn't provide any additional competitive edge besides the "back draft" created from flatulence.
According to an article on cnn.com , "Prince Albert of Monaco, son of the late Hollywood actress Grace Kelly, has admitted that he fathered a second illegitimate child, his lawyer said in a newspaper interview." The article goes on to say, "Fourteen-year-old American high school student Jazmin Grace Rotolo will not be entitled to the throne because under the constitution of the tiny Mediterranean principality only a child born into Catholic wedlock can succeed." But she will be entitled to lavish rave parties in Ibiza and clothes shopping until her heart's content. Also, the prince is now a legitimate heterosexual and not the gay stallion everyone thought he was. Thank goodness...
Also on cnn.com, an article reports that, "Years after she first emerged from the Batcave, Batwoman is coming out of the closet." That's right, she's a lesbian. According to Dan DiDio, vice president and executive editor at DC, "We wanted to make her a more unique personality than others in the Bat-family." It was also disclosed that Batman is now a transvestite, Robin is a pervert with an ass fetish, and the Joker is a pedophile. Up next, the Green Lantern's secret identity: sex-slave trader from Tijuana, Mexico.
On a side note, I saw Nine Inch Nails in concert last night at the Verizon Amphitheater in San Antonio, Texas. And all I can say is: WOW! They rocked! I'm no fair-weather fan, either. I've seen these guys several times since their first record came out all the way back in 1989. I read that Trent Reznor recently overcame a serious heroin addiction before this latest record came out and after seeing this concert, he is in the best shape and performed the most spirited show I've ever seen NIN perform. If they are coming to a town near you, I highly recommend that you go. Back to the news...
According to an article on cnn.com, "President Bush on Saturday backed a resolution to amend the Constitution to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman even though the idea has little chance of being passed in the Senate." This moron goes on to say, "Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society ... Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society." Is this the same society that has over a fifty percent divorce rate? Doesn't seem like we respect marriage all that much in this society. And who does this guy think he is trying to change a document that guarantees our civil rights by denying civil rights of those who want nothing more than to be married? If two people love each other and want to get married, why do these conservative pricks care if they get married?
According to an article on statesman.com, "They're planning a hot time in Hell [Michigan] on Tuesday. The day bears the date of 6-6-06, or abbreviated as 666 — a number that carries hellish significance." A local bar owner claims that, "We're all about having fun here. I don't think we're going to get the cult crowd, the devil worshippers or anything like that." We'll see about that, my little pretty. But another citizen complained, "Now, here I am living in Hell, taking my kids to church and trying to teach them the right things and the town where we live is having a 6-6-6 party." And then, her toilet was filled with blood and when she called a plumber, he was playing AC/DC's Highway to Hell while she was on hold. So, here she is, living in Hell and her plumber is playing Highway to Hell. Go figure...
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