Enjoying Little Debbies and other delicacies gives man
undeserved wimpy reputation
I was offering people here in
the office some Murdick's Famous Fudge, which I buy up in Northern Michigan.
This sinfully delicious treat is renowned the world over as being the finest
fudge in the land. It's delectable creaminess and chocolatey goodness evokes
delighted gasps and moans of ecstasy whenever it is ingested.
I carried the small white box around to each of my
co-workers, saying, "How about a nice piece fudge?" As a little joke
I added "It's not bad for wax fudge" but this definitely ain't no wax
fudge. It melts in your mouth like the best prime rib, like buttah, this fudge.
Then one of our paper's sales executive, Chris, said, "You
know something? You really are the king of wuss food."
I was angered and shocked by this remark. I longed to
give Chris a mouthful of bloody Chiclets for his insolence, but then I
remembered he's 6'4" and 220 lbs. Well, I could always nail him when he
was asleep.
Chris's comment made me so self-conscious that later that
day I took a piece of fudge into the men's room and watched myself eat it in
the bathroom mirror. I even swiveled my hips a bit as I nibbled on the tasty
morsel, just to get the full wuss effect.
I honestly don't
think I looked any wussier eating the fudge than I would if I was eating say, a
saltine or a peanut, or any other finger-held food. Now if I were biting a Pez
out of Tweety Bird's head and swiveling around like this I could see it. But I
found no inherent wussiness in the fudge per se. Maybe if I lowered my pinkie
as I ate it ...
Yet Chris also mocks me when I suck from my little straw
in my juice box every morning. He thinks juice boxes are the ultimate in
wimpiness. He suggests that it would be awfully difficult to be a tough guy
while sipping on a straw from a little juice box.
"You f--- with me - sssuck - I'll kick your ass wide open. I'll beat your - sssuck - motherf-----' head in- sssuck - you scumbag. Say, is there a
trash barrel around here? I should dispose of this properly."
We discussed how the Godfather would have lost
considerable force and machismo had he been nursing a Capri Sun or Juicy Juice
while speaking to his associates.
"If you had come to me as a friend- sssuck - then the scum who violated your
daughter would be weeping bitter tears this day. Your enemies would become my
enemies - sssuck - then, believe me,
they would fear you - sssuck. Lucca
Brazzi, I want you to get me another of these delicious juice boxes."
Or Dirty Harry:
"Ask yourself - sssuck
-Do I feel lucky? Well? - sssuck - do
you, punk?"
I suppose, also, that the Pecan Spinwheels - a product from the immortal Little Debbie -
that I eat at breakfast every day would be considered wuss food. (If Little
Debbie ran a meat packing plant, it would still be a wuss meat packing plant,
with that picture of Little Debbie in her sunbonnet on the side of the
building.)
I'm sure my beloved Tootsie Roll Pops, which give me a
lift during my mid-afternoon fade, would fall into this realm. I also happen to
eat a lot of those cheese 'n' cracker packets that come complete with a tiny
plastic knife to spread the process cheese food on the four butter crackers.
I've become so experienced with these packets I know exactly how much cheese to
spread on the first cracker to leave me the correct amount to divide among the
final four. Is this wussiness? Or am I Mr. Smart Eater?
I also imagine Chris thinks Smokehouse Almonds are wuss
nuts. But every time I eat these taste-tempters I get Smokehouse mouth: my
tongue is coated brown and my gums turn into leather for days afterward. But
that doesn't stop me from eating Smokehouse Almonds. I don't let physical pain
stop me from eating the foods I love.
I guess that'll stop all this wuss talk.
E-mail:
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
;
website: ericbroder.com
Related Articles
|
Quirkee Voices 
(0 vote)
