The stars are looking a
little rocky this month
 YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY: A guest spot as a
psychopathic podiatrist on an episode of House
lands you your own hit TV series. A Rolodex dispute results in a fatality at
your workplace. You will be surprised to discover that you are the heir to the
Reynolds Wrap fortune. No birthday greetings will arrive by fax today from
either Needles, California, or the Bay of Fundy.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Your
resemblance to Vincent D'Onofrio leads to wild, unchecked speculation from
local media on your shoe size. A telepathic fight with your uncle at Christmas
dinner leads to a role in a M. Night Shyamalan film. You will be the main
subject of a 60 Minutes expose on
masturbators. The breakfast burrito you order levitates, prompting harsh looks
from other diners.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): A lint
roller left lying on your property leads to a trumped-up injury and a lawsuit.
You irresponsibly put a pair of Depends on a chimp, with catastrophic results.
You are mystified as the lapels on all your suit coats grow to disco-era sizes.
A hobo gives you his autograph, and you sell it on eBay for $16,000. Jerry
Lewis calls you by mistake.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your
torrid affair with your high school's mascot comes to the attention of a local
college's dean of admissions, limiting your options. Your flaunting of your
expensive new moisturizer does not have the desired results in the cell block.
You have a bitter argument with a toddler on the escalator at Sears. You will
be given the franchise on a local convenience store despite your protestations.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Against
your expressed wishes, a midget draws Hitler's face on your knee. Your
stumbling through a field trying to fly a child's kite leads to legal action.
Your failure to open a jar of Spanish olives leaves your loved ones devastated.
An attempted recreation of the wood-chipper slaying in Fargo has distressing consequences.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You
receive a message from a person claiming to understand goats. Your fist-fight
with an elderly nun becomes YouTube's most watched video. A casting director
mistakes you for Andy Dick and rejects you for a major role in an upcoming
George Clooney picture. Padding your crotch with a yam is not a good idea this
month.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You will
bowl in a pair of shoes once worn by Bono's second cousin. Bursting into "The
Yellow Rose of Texas" during sexual intercourse fails to bring expected
applause. Your underpants may catch fire during a commencement exercise.
Embarrassing photographs of your nude somersaulting at a ski resort make the
rounds at the office.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A
clerical mistake finds you riding the space shuttle with Vince Vaughn.
Temptation lurks in your local department store's cutlery section. A chimney
sweep named Horace flirts shamelessly with you, getting soot all over your
blouse. That scholarship to the barber college isn't on the table for long.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A
distant relative mistakes you for someone named "Brad" and slaps your face. Eye
contact with a Galapagos tortoise changes your attitude for the better. A flung
Altoid temporarily blinds an acquaintance, to your utter indifference. You will
be asked to prepare Greek hors d'oeuvres for a local college fraternity.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A drug
deal may go sour, so pack some heat. A shock from your Crest SpinBrush Pro
electric toothbrush leaves you a gibbering idiot. As you dig into a mackerel at
a local restaurant, a career in hip-hop suddenly presents itself. Being hit in
the face with a flying baton as you pass by a high school football game causes
you to rethink your priorities.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your
cell phone use results in a lifetime ban from all public areas. A man who can
smoke out of his right ear has an unexpected impact. You believe you see Donald
Rumseld applying for a job at your workplace, but it's actually a middle-aged
woman with paralegal experience. A lawn mowing mishap leaves you footless, but
there will be compensation in a delightful evening at a sports bar.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Oct. 18): A rogue
Netflix employee sends you the DVD of Groundhog
Day over and over again. You win a patent on your spinning toupee device.
Your snit over an overcharge at Walgreen's has international consequences. A
lucky break finds you the proud owner of the Partridge Family's psychedelic
bus.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A
missed dose of your anti-depressant leads to a brief humiliation at Office Max.
Flirtation with your car's GPS system leads to a strain in your marriage. A
local lunatic offers you ten dollars to sing the Doobie Brothers' "Takin' It to
the Street" at an inappropriate time. Trouble ensues as a chimp wearing adult
underwear catapults into your life.
E-mail:
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; website: ericbroder.com
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