A Face Only a Mother Could Love

Eight days to go on the Cook Islands, and I am anxious to see if the Quattro Formagio Alliance holds up. At camp, Parvati decides to finally lift a finger to help out, and she ends up chopping her thumb in half. It seemed to me just another Parvati ploy to get out of doing anything meaningful around camp. It was truly a stomach turning moment. I mean, did anyone else notice how filthy her fingernails were?

Eeeewwwww!

Adam was unable to look. His composure was such that I was certain that Parvati had pulled out a feminine hygiene product or something equally offensive to our macho, macho man, but no, Adam simply couldn't handle the sight of some blood and a finger nail cut in half because, as Adam put it, "there is just something about a finger nail hanging."

Parvati shows up at the Reward Challenge looking like Little Jack Horner complete with a holey pie and the plum on the end of her thumb. Jeff, wearing his gay pride parade cowboy hat, asks Parvati if she can get it wet.

Inquiring minds want to know, Jeff. Are you talking about her injured thumb?

Well, she can get it a little wet, and since this challenge consists of drawing buckets of water out of the ocean, transferring them into a bigger bucket while blindfolded, she should be fine. It is a fairly dry challenge if you are wearing Rubber Maid gloves. Salty water shouldn't sting any worse than being Adam's 2nd choice.

The other twist to this challenge is that the Survivors' loved ones are there to participate. They will partner up with their family member for the challenge, and the winning pair will share the reward.

It was a gory scene with everyone crying and hugging and kissing because they miss each other so much. Jonathan's wife was there, sporting a black shirt that I'm certain is an XL, which against her pasty, white skin leaves her resembling a certain killer whale at Seaworld.

Wave to the crowd. Good girl.

Ozzy and Sundra get to see their Mothers. Adam's Dad, George is there along with Parvati's Dad. Becky greets her sister. Yul's brother comes out and is obviously the anti-Yul. Maybe they have different fathers.

The challenge begins and must have been sped up to accommodate TV time because the blind transfer of water from one bucket to the other was painfully slow. The larger ladies with long hair have the advantage because they get soaked from head to toe and squeeze the water from their hair and giant shirts into the bucket. It is all to no avail, and Parvati and her stump bring home the victory.

Parvati's Dad must pick two other loved ones to go to the reward, and the loved ones along with the corresponding Survivors will go back to camp and wait for the boat to take them to the feast. The lucky feasters will be Adam and Dad, George, who he actually calls George (what a dipshit), Sundra and her Mom and Parvati and her Dad.

Parvati, as the winner, sends Jonathan to Exile Island. Jonathan in porn star fashion grabs Shamu by the blubber and says a tearful goodbye. I guess that I shouldn't be so harsh. Please accept my heartfelt apologies to killer whales everywhere.

I don't particularly care to belabor the reward because I personally find this part of every episode to be more boring than watching Martha Stewart explain to me how to turn shrunken sweaters into cozy mittens or how to properly darn my own napkins out of unpaired socks and place them in homemade napkin rings made from empty toilet paper rolls dipped in glitter for a dazzling, shimmery holiday extravaganza.. Zzzzzzzz, zzzzzzzzz!

Who cares, you mean ol' battleaxe!!

But, I must comment on Sundra's description of the cave and the fresh water pool that they all jumped into. Sundra, I like you, and I truly don't take pleasure in calling you out, however, you have left me no choice. I must ask how it is that "a little piece of Heaven just dropped off the side of the road?"

How Sundra?

Though I don't really buy into the Heaven and Hell drama that my Southern Baptist, fire and brimstone parents would like me to, it is my possibly simple understanding that Heaven is generally assumed to be the glorious dwelling of God. I don't recall anything about Heaven being located off the side of the road. I've been looking up to the sky for years when apparently I should've been consulting a map looking for a road.

While the lucky Survivors are at the reward gorging themselves with chicken, corn, biscuits and apple pie, back at camp Ozzy, Becky and Yul hatch a plan to hide the food. The feeling is that Ozzy should not continue to feed those that are beating him. The mood shifted once Adam, Parvati and Sundra returned with leftover food. We'll have to wait until tonight to see if the food hiding plan is still in effect.

At the Immunity Challenge, Jonathan returns from Exile Island to participate. He is greeted by NO ONE. He says, "Hi" to everyone, and they stare at him as if he is a carrier of the latest strain of bird flu.

To win Immunity, the Survivors must navigate an obstacle course that is located in the ocean. At the end of the course are two bundles of sticks that they must dive down and get one at a time and return them to their mat at the finish. Once they have retrieved both bundles, they will use the sticks to build a pole long enough to reach two rings. The Survivor who places both rings on their hooks first is the winner, and everyone else can whine about being voted off.

This challenge was tailor made for Ozzy. He is the first to swim out and reach the obstacle course, and he never relinquishes his lead. Yul gives him a bit of a run for his money, but mostly the other Survivors spend their time on the course picking up their bruised and broken bodies.

The challenge is brutal, and the course is wet. At one point, I seriously thought that Sundra had broken her femur, but she got up and continued. Becky and Parvati looked like drunken hookers as they flailed on the floating barrels wrapping themselves around them while trying to hold on. Ozzy flew through the course with super human agility. No one had a chance. My thought is that they better think about turning on Ozzy and voting him out, or he just might win Immunity all the way to the final two.

When they return to camp, Jonathan is clearly disliked. His own alliance seems irritated by his presence, and they almost outright ignore him as he asks questions. I felt bad for him in the way that I feel bad for the person at a dinner party who gets drunk and does a striptease on the table.

At Tribal Council, the attack on Jonathan continues. It is a frightening social phenomenon to watch a group of people so viciously attack a member of their social circle. At one point, I thought that they might kill him and eat him.

Though they didn't place his head on a sharpened stake, they did unanimously vote him onto the jury. Now Jonathan has the opportunity to go hang out with everyone on the jury who hates him as well. Ahhhhh, paradise.

Tonight on Survivor, Ozzy seems as if he might jump off the Pot Sticker train and park his low rider at the Adam and Parvati love shack. Yul and Becky discuss turning on Ozzy. Better hurry because Ozzy is a step ahead of you. Sundra contemplates what road Hell is on and where a piece of it might fall.

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