YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY: Taking a close friend's advice on preparing brisket will prove disastrous, but restraining yourself from buying a pair of discontinued cork platform shoes at Kmart should pay big dividends later. You may trip over the prone figure of a sleeping Laurence Fishburne on a Princess cruise today, so watch your step. A Rolodex accident results in a fatality at your workplace. No birthday greetings will arrive by fax today from either Hong Kong or Scandinavia.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Al Gore will come to your house and beat hell out of you while late in the month a puppet will go insane and attack you on a mall escalator. A mistake finds you riding the space shuttle with Gary Puckett. You get a fantastic deal on legal pads at an office supply store Going Out of Business sale.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You will find a dime and a button behind a sofa cushion. Your computer error results in the tripling of the national debt. An accident at the nuclear facility next door has unforeseen consequences. A drug deal may go sour, so pack some heat.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Velveeta cheese will be a very good friend to you this month. A lawn mowing mishap leaves you footless, but there will be compensation in a delightful meal at a fine restaurant. You may receive a phone message from Spike Lee, but probably not.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A field trip to a mime training school becomes an experiment in terror. A lucky break finds you the proud owner of the Partridge Family's psychedelic bus. You're elected the biggest sleaze who has ever been interviewed on 60 Minutes. An architect sits on your lap, but not for long.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A new addition to the family is on the way; prepare the terrarium and stock up on mice. Buy a green rain slicker for your neighbor's cousin's son, but don't expect thanks. All pieces of mail sent to your home should be soaked in water. Geo-thermonuclear war disrupts travel plans late in the month.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A party after work results in an unexpected pregnancy in your life. You will have the winning numbers in the state's $22 million lottery, but drop dead before collecting. A Thanksgiving dinner ends in bitter and ultimately ruinous recriminations against you, but you win $6 on your team's upset over the Dallas Cowboys.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Early in the month, you have an odd dream involving Art Linkletter and Buddy Ebsen. A faux pas at a charity function ends in a pasta fight. Your constant checking of public telephone coin returns results in a tidy 25-cent profit. Do not go to the bathroom this month.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will be given the franchise on a local convenience store despite your protestations. Biting on something squishy ends unsatisfactorily. As you head down a residential street, the car you are driving will suddenly take flight. You will find a duck on your pillow mid-month.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): A meeting with a coked-up executive results in your dismissal from the company. You will unexpectedly break out singing "Elusive Butterfly" at a funeral service, causing consternation. Make sure the burners on the stove are turned off before your trip to Tokyo.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): A hormonal imbalance causes you to put on a Joan Crawford wig and make a fool of yourself at the local post office. You receive a message from a person claiming to understand goats. Late in the month Andy Garcia has nothing to say to you.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): The disco shirt from the '70s hanging in your closet bursts into flames, but conversely the production of Gypsy at the community theater you're involved in gets no local press. Embarrassing photographs of your nude somersaults make the rounds at the office. Cub Scouts will not figure in any plans this month.

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