 YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY: Taking a close friend's
advice on preparing brisket will prove disastrous, but restraining yourself
from buying a pair of discontinued cork platform shoes at Kmart should pay big
dividends later. You may trip over the prone figure of a sleeping Laurence
Fishburne on a Princess cruise today, so watch your step. A Rolodex accident
results in a fatality at your workplace. No birthday greetings will arrive by
fax today from either Hong Kong or Scandinavia.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Al Gore will come to your house and beat hell
out of you while late in the month a puppet will go insane and attack you on a
mall escalator. A mistake finds you riding the space shuttle with Gary Puckett.
You get a fantastic deal on legal pads at an office supply store Going Out of
Business sale.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Late in
the month, your lucky day: you find a penny on the ground outside a local
building. You will be unfairly blamed for the troubles in Haiti. A distant
relative mistakes you for someone named "Brad" and slaps your face.
You will be asked to prepare a Mexican dinner for a local college fraternity.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You will
find a dime and a button behind a sofa cushion. Your computer error results in
the tripling of the national debt. An accident at the nuclear facility next
door has unforeseen consequences. A drug deal may go sour, so pack some heat.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Velveeta cheese will be a very good
friend to you this month. A lawn mowing mishap leaves you footless, but there
will be compensation in a delightful meal at a fine restaurant. You may receive
a phone message from Spike Lee, but probably not.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A field
trip to a mime training school becomes an experiment in terror. A lucky break
finds you the proud owner of the Partridge Family's psychedelic bus. You're
elected the biggest sleaze who has ever been interviewed on 60 Minutes. An architect sits on your
lap, but not for long.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A new
addition to the family is on the way; prepare the terrarium and stock up on
mice. Buy a green rain slicker for your neighbor's cousin's son, but don't
expect thanks. All pieces of mail sent to your home should be soaked in water.
Geo-thermonuclear war disrupts travel plans late in the month.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A party
after work results in an unexpected pregnancy in your life. You will have the
winning numbers in the state's $22 million lottery, but drop dead before
collecting. A Thanksgiving dinner ends in bitter and ultimately ruinous
recriminations against you, but you win $6 on your team's upset over the Dallas
Cowboys.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Early in
the month, you have an odd dream involving Art Linkletter and Buddy Ebsen. A
faux pas at a charity function ends in a pasta fight. Your constant checking of
public telephone coin returns results in a tidy 25-cent profit. Do not go to the bathroom this month.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You will
be given the franchise on a local convenience store despite your protestations.
Biting on something squishy ends unsatisfactorily. As you head down a
residential street, the car you are driving will suddenly take flight. You will
find a duck on your pillow mid-month.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): A meeting with a coked-up executive results
in your dismissal from the company. You will unexpectedly break out singing
"Elusive Butterfly" at a funeral service, causing consternation. Make
sure the burners on the stove are turned off before your trip to Tokyo.
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): A
hormonal imbalance causes you to put on a Joan Crawford wig and make a fool of
yourself at the local post office. You receive a message from a person claiming
to understand goats. Late in the month Andy Garcia has nothing to say to you.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): The disco
shirt from the '70s hanging in your closet bursts into flames, but conversely
the production of Gypsy at the
community theater you're involved in gets no local press. Embarrassing
photographs of your nude somersaults make the rounds at the office. Cub Scouts
will not figure in any plans this month.
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Quirkee Voices 
