It seems the college nightmare is true. You will be on your
way to growing a new butt cheek by the end of your freshman year at college. Don't
believe me? There are "scientific facts" to prove it. According to an article
on cnn.com, "'Freshman 15' really 5 or 7, but the gains don't stop
[after their freshman year]." Elizabeth Lloyd-Richardson, the Brown researcher
who led both studies on freshman gluttony, states, "Students don't appear
to be losing weight over this time and in fact they gained additional weight in
their sophomore year." The researchers are puzzled why the students keep
getting fatter. The study's possible explanations: more alcohol drinking, more
socializing that involves eating, high-fat foods in dorm cafeterias, and less
physical activity. Duh! You don't need a team of scientists to figure that out.
But the most puzzling explanation comes from Thomas
Wadden, president of the Obesity Society and director of the Center for Weight
and Eating Disorders at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. He
states that, "I suspect part of this is they now have access to large
amounts of food they can eat freely," without anyone at home saying enough
is enough, he said. You know, I don't remember gorging myself at the U.T.
cafeteria because my mom wasn't around to tell me "enough is enough."
If anything, I think drinking massive amounts of beer and sleeping until noon
may have been a slight factor in why I gained a few pounds my freshman year.
And I know that my diet of Ramen Noodles and Macaroni & Cheese played a big
part in my extreme weight loss by my senior year. When you're poor, you lose
weight. It's true.
Oh sweet vindication! According to an article on
excite.com, "Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling, the most vilified
figure from the most notorious financial scandal of the decade, was sentenced
Monday to 24 years, four months in the harshest sentence yet in the case that
came to symbolize corporate fraud in America."
Yippee! Of course, this doesn't make up for the loss of thousands of jobs, more
than $60 billion in Enron stock and more than $2 billion in employee pension
plans when Enron crumbled into a worthless heap. But it's nice to see the law
finally smile upon the little guys rather than the rich fat cat with the money
to buy his way out of breaking the law. Skilling's sentence is the longest
received by any Enron defendant. It might as well be a life sentence at his
age. Sayonara jackass!
Who said politics was an ugly business? According to an article
on cnn.com, "The Republican running against Sen. Hillary Rodham
Clinton in New York denied a
Monday newspaper report that he disparaged the Democratic senator's
appearance." John Spenser, the political candidate and potty mouth running
against Clinton, was quoted as
saying, "You ever see a picture of her back then [in college]? Whew ... I
don't know why Bill married her." Rob Ryan, Spencer's spokesman and
wingman, denied the account, but acknowledged a conversation took place on the
flight from New York to Rochester
between Spenser and the reporter. "The comment that he said was something
to the effect of, 'If you have ever seen a picture of Hillary Clinton from
college,' I think he said, 'Whew, she changed.'" Lesson learned? Burn all
evidence that you gained 15 pounds in college before you run for Senate.
And finally, before you go jogging around the park tonight,
you might want to consider drinking a couple of beers first. According to an article on msnbc.com,
"healthy men may benefit from a drink or two daily to help lower the risk
of heart attack." The study from the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center
in Boston concludes, "Our results suggest that moderate drinking could be
viewed as a complement, rather than an alternative ... Given our findings,
future guidelines for moderate drinking need not consider healthy lifestyle
behavior as mutually exclusive and should instead focus on the strengths and
limitations of the evidence about moderate alcohol intake." Before you
perform a couple of keg-stands and pull out the beer bong, let me emphasize
that this study suggests two alcoholic
drinks, not twenty-two. Now go
shotgun those two Budweisers before you have a heart attack.
|
Commentary 
