Quirkee.com

During the early weeks of Quirkee.com, I was looking for writers to fill the roster and I received an email from Eric Broder. He said I had to check out his friend Kelley Cunningham, a great writer and friend of his. She had a column titled "What's the Matter With Mommy?" and Eric felt she'd be a great fit for Quirkee. And before I even read her column, I thought the idea of having another parenting column would be just too much parenting for Quirkee. I mean, I already had "Because I Said So" and wasn't sure how she'd fit in. But after I read her article "Hot Rodent Action," I just had to ask her to be a part of Quirkee. Forget the parenting aspect altogether, I thought her column was friggin' hilarious. And that's all I needed to know. So I invited her along and the rest is Quirkee history.

On November 30, 2006, Kelley has a collection of her work coming out in handy book form titled "What's the Matter With Mommy?: Rantings of a Reluctant Stay-at-home Mom" from Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing. Her book publisher describes her work as "brutally and hysterically honest – Cunningham says what other moms stifle." As a parent myself, I truly appreciate the way Kelley unveils the hypocrisy of the marketing spin that all of the rest of us parents are inundated with on a daily basis. Instead of throwing catered parties when Little Susie "goes number two on the potty," let's step back and realize what we're eating cake for: a turd in the toilet. Her mantra (and I'm paraphrasing here) of "let your kids be normal" speaks volumes to me. No matter what, your children have a pretty good chance of growing up normal, even if they do smoke pot in high school, make out under the bleachers, and listen to rock and roll that is loud enough to make your head split. Don't worry about it and bring mommy a beer. She deserves it.

Kelley agreed to answer our 20 Questions and to be shamelessly promoted by her online publisher. Enjoy! And make sure to buy a copy of her book for yourself or a friend who is guilty of riding on the parenting crazy train. Oh yeah, and read her column every week on Quirkee.com.

• To get drunk on wine coolers, cackle maniacally and scare the crap out of them.

Q: What lesson is more important to teach your toddler: a) learn to share or b) don't pick your nose in public?

• Golly, they're both important! I guess I would just say to him that picking his nose is just fine, as long as no one sees him. Sharing is nowhere near as satisfying.

Q: You're a published illustrator as well. Describe the difference between writing your column "What's the Matter with Mommy?" and creating artwork for a publication?

• I get paid a lot more for illustrating.

Q: I'm sure mothers come out of the woodwork to share their stories with you. Tell us the funniest story you've heard about motherhood from another mother.

• A friend of mine was lying in bed at 6am, and her son came in and woke her up. He went on a ten-minute tirade of how he didn't "feel like" walking the dog (the one he had begged for only a week earlier). She didn't stir and just listened. Finally she sat bolt upright, turned to him, and screamed JUST WALK THE FUCKING DOG, JACOB! Guess what? He walked the dog.

Q: What other authors do you admire?

• There are too many to mention, but I will say that I was probably the only ten-year-old to howl at Erma Bombeck's writing. I thought, I wish I could do that. And Anne Lamott's "Operating Instructions" made a light bulb go on, in that I realized that writing the honest truth about raising children is far funnier and more poignant than anything you could possibly make up.

Q: What do you think about recent research that claims that TV causes autism in young children?

• I think the researchers are watching way too much TV and should leave us mothers and children alone.

Q: What is more important to keep a parent sane: a) time to yourself or b) plenty of cold beer?

• Plenty of time to yourself in which to drink cold beer.

Q: If you were a celebrity parent, which countries would you adopt from and why?

• West Virginia. And Iceland. Those kids must be freezing! Plus, they're cuter than children from some other countries.

Q: Do you think athletes make good role models for young boys?

• As long as boys aspire to be overpaid, combative, doped-up primadonnas, professional athletes can be wonderful role models.

Q: It's been stated that everyone in the world should have their own theme song. What would be the theme song for your life?

• It depends on the day! Some choices for a good day might be "I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Kahn or "Brass in Pocket" by the Pretenders. For a bad day? "Tied to the Whipping Post" by the Allman Brothers or "Born Under a Bad Sign" by B.B. King.

Q: When was the last time you talked to your mother?

• Fifteen minutes ago. She's living with us for the time being.

Q: What words of wisdom did your father share with you? Was it good advice?

• "You're wearing too much makeup." And yes, it was good advice.

Q: Philosophy to live by?

• This too shall pass.

Q: What's the biggest misconception people have about you?

• I don't know that anyone has any misconceptions about me. I'm not very mysterious. I just assume people are way too busy worrying about their own issues to give me much attention, thankfully.

Q: If your life were turned into a movie, which actress would play you?

• Fantasy? Parker Posey. More likely? Courtney Love.

Q: Describe what you consider a perfect day?

• Daniel Day-Lewis calling me up and asking me for an autographed copy of my book. Barring that, watching a DVD all the way through without any interruptions sounds pretty good.

Q: Are you a spiritual person?

• Yes, very much so. But not in any way religious.

Q: If you were trapped on a deserted island, what three things would you need to survive?

• A good moisturizer, a vibrator and a shitload of batteries.

Q: Who inspires you?

• My children.

Q: Who is the smartest person you've ever met?

• My guy. He's also my best friend.

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