 I was reading the news the other day and came across a story that made me laugh. Terrell Owens has written (co-written) a children’s book! The title of his book is Little T Learns To Share. That’s rich. I guess it’s safe to call it a fiction story. I’m not a big T.O. fan, but then again who is? I am finding myself rooting for him anyway now that he is wearing blue and silver and may help my Cowboys get a sixth ring. Although, after last Sunday’s performance in Philadelphia, I think it’s going to take more than a talented receiver like Owens to get us back to the Super Bowl. I’m sure that pleases the Dallas Cowboys haters everywhere, including my in-laws.
So, Terrell Owens is preaching the word of sharing in a children’s book. That is just as crazy as if Paris Hilton wrote a book titled How To Grill The Perfect Meal. I don’t think she even knows what a meal is, much less a grill! She might know how to use a microwave, but do you really need to nuke your crackers and TrimSpa?
Celebrities writing books for children is not a new thing in Hollywood. Elizabeth Taylor wrote a book when she was 14 years old about her pet chipmunk, Nibbles. If she had waited until adulthood to write that book it could have been about her nibbling on her numerous husbands instead. However, that would not have been suitable for the children’s shelves at Barnes and Noble.
And by now everybody knows that Madonna has written some children’s books. When she started reading to her son, she was apparently disturbed by the lack of quality books for children on the shelves. She was quoted saying how she “…couldn't believe how vapid and vacant and empty all the stories were. There's, like, no lessons. ... There's, like, no books about anything.” Okay, I had to go look up the word “vapid” because I was clueless about what it meant. It means being without liveliness or spirit; dull or tedious; lacking sharpness or flavor; insipid; flat. Well no wonder Madonna wanted to write children’s books! She is definitely not vapid by any means and has the cone shaped bras to prove it. Way to go, Madonna! Maybe someday The English Roses and Mr. Peabody’s Apples will earn the respect of classic books like Goodnight Moon or Where The Wild Things Are-books that may be considered vapid and vacant at her house. I will commend her for giving all of her book proceeds to charity, which is something I’m sure most of the celebrity authors are doing.
Along with bad boy Terrell Owens, another nomination in the “Famous People Who Probably Should Not Be Writing Children’s Books” category is John A. (Junior) Gotti. The title of his piece of work is The Children of Shaolin Forest, a story inspired by some New Jersey kids that were starved by their adoptive parents. At least he picked a touching subject instead of writing a book titled Where to Find Your Parents in The Forest. He even had his cellmate illustrate the book for him. I can imagine how that conversation went down...
“Look, Brian. I can’t color worth a damn. I can’t even stay in the lines! If you don’t illustrate this book for me I’m going to stick all 128 of these Crayons into your body in places that you never knew existed!”
In an effort to keep the mafia away from my house, I’ll talk about someone else now.
John Travolta has written a children’s book, too. He is not just an actor, dancer, singer, and a wacko Scientologist. No offense to any of you wacko Scientologists out there reading this. He is also a pilot (so he can fly to Space with the aliens someday?) and he wrote a kid’s book about a boy who loves to fly. How sweet. I guess there wasn’t a calling for a children’s book titled 101 Ways To Teach Your Mommy & Daddy About Dianetics. That would be an interesting book. The first chapter could be about the best way to get people on the street to take the pamphlet out of your hand in front of the Church of Scientology building. Chapter 2 could be about not getting discouraged when said pamphlet gets thrown away in the trashcan by the bus stop. Chapter 3: Forget Doctors. Take a Vitamin! Chapter 4: Shhh! Here Comes The Baby! Chapter 5... I could do this for a while, so I’ll just stop there.
To be fair to you celebrities that I just ragged on, my kids and I have not read your books and probably won’t read your books. It is not because I think they will suck as I’m sure there are many people that sing your praises about how wonderful they are-like your publicists, lawyers, accountants, etc. It is mainly because we have a ton of books here already and spending money on celebrity authors’ books is not on the top of my list. Although, now I’m starting to think most of the children’s books we have in our house are vapid and empty. Too much Dr. Seuss? Okay, I’ll start scouring the thrift stores for your books. I’m sure a few copies are gracing the shelves there already.
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