 “Hello lion in the African sun. Tickling your mane is really fun!”
Cute, huh? That’s one of the songs I hear daily coming from the many toys around the house. This particular line is from a Leap Frog soft rolling animal block that sings a different line on each side. Sometimes I think I’m going to go toy nutty and take the batteries out of everything in the house. That would be pretty mean, though, as the kids really enjoy this stuff. Instead of unplugging and silencing their little world from these songs and sounds, I’ve decided to make up my own words to keep me sane.
“Hello lion in the African sun. When my baby outgrows you, I’m going to smash you with a hammer!”
Not really. Don’t go calling PETA or Child Protective Services. It’s
actually a neat toy for babies to roll around on the floor. Here’s
another line from the polar bear side...
“White polar bear in the icy snow. Slipping and sliding away you go! Wheeee!”
I swear she says “Wheeee!” at the end. Some of you probably have
this toy at home and can back me up. If I could get in there and
reprogram that line it would say...
“White polar bear in the icy snow. You better watch your ass here comes that hunter with a rifle! Wheeee! Kapow!”
That polar bear could wind up as a stuffed display in the next
Cabela’s store. No animal is safe if Cabela’s is planning a new
gigantic taxidermy zoo. If you live near one you should go by and see
what I’m talking about. It’s almost as if the local zoo or some far
away jungle was frozen in motion. Then somebody called Cabela’s to come
by and put up log cabin walls around it and line up a bunch of fishing
poles and guns to sell to the visitors. The only animals actually still
alive there are the fishes in the huge tanks. Speaking of fishes, back
to the block...
“Blue fish with scales that shine. If I pet you, will you be mine?”
 Pet a fish? We have fish here at home and I can’t think of the last
time I pet them. A goldfish did come up to the top of the tank once and
roll over expecting me to rub his belly. Silly goldfish. I went back
later and noticed that he was really just dead. Here’s a good line to
replace the fish tune...
“Blue fish with scales that shine. That pan on the stove is warming up nice for you!”
So far it seems like I am changing the words in a way that puts an
end to all of these cute little animals lives. I’ll try a new, less
morbid approach with this side of the block...
“Green leaves open and see. Who’s that hiding in the trees? Peek-a-boo parrot!”
Parrots are cool pets to have... if you like being mocked all day.
Leave the TV on the wrong channel, like HBO, and you just might end up
with a foul-mouthed bird on your hands.
“Green leaves open and see. Peek-a-boo mother#%$*@! Give me your wallet! Hurry up! You want me to whack him, Tony?”
There. How’s that? The cute little animal gets to do the whacking
this time. One more side of this music block has a fuzzy creature on
it...
“Red fox running about. Are you in or are you out? Let’s play!”
This would be the peer pressure side of the block. The fox isn’t
sure if he wants to play whatever it is the lady is singing about. He
is shy, scared, or just doesn’t want to get in trouble. It’s tough
being a little fox sometimes. This would be a more exciting verse...
“Red fox running about. Are you going to help us steal this car or not? C’mon, let’s play!”
I’ve managed to injure, kill, or turn these innocent toy animals
into hoodlums all in one morning. That’s the fun of being the daddy.
People with kids know that a few months of hearing these toys playing
over and over again can make your ears bleed. Trying to devise a plan
for their departure is just a fun way to keep your sanity. I haven’t
even started on the Blues Clues talking dog, yet. Blue has a
combination of probably twenty lines that could keep me busy for a
whole day. For now, I’ll leave you with a line from the only side of
this music block that does not have an animal on it.
“Shiny moon in a purple sky, I see myself as you go by. Hello there!”
I think it would sound better if it went like this...
“Shiny moon in a purple sky... stay away from the brown acid. Hello
there shiny moon! I see you up in the purple sky sitting on a pink
cloud smiling at me!”
Of course, there is
no way that Leap Frog would ever sell my revised edition of their toy.
They would think I am some crazy man.
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Quirkee Voices 
