I read a book recently called Apocalypse 2012: An Optimist Investigates the End of Civilization. The author, Lawrence E. Joseph, digs into the numerous theories and predictions that seem to all point to the year 2012 as the "big year." Something surely is going to happen in 2012, whether it is a catastrophe or an explosion or an intergalactic collision or something. Why the year 2012? Because, for the love of God, all the smarty pants throughout history reference that year in their visions for the end of the world; it's that simple. Is it really THAT simple? Well, no. But is it creepy that 2012 keeps popping up? Hell yes! Queue the iPod. We're going to party like its 1999! I better start stockpiling cases of beer and cartons of cigarettes in my garage.

Check this out. The ancient Mayans were some pretty observant people. By just sitting on a hill and watching the night skies obsessively, they calculated an extremely accurate calendar that has predicted all major intergalactic events. What does 2012 mean to them? The end of the world and a new beginning. What else? The sun has been farting out solar flares more than any time in the last 11,000 years. Solar physicists believe it will peak in (you guessed it) 2012 and microwave our planet. Russian geniuses believe our solar system has entered an interstellar energy cloud that threatens to destabilize our sun. When do they think catastrophe will affect us? Somewhere between 2010 and 2020. Is 2012 in there somewhere? Christianity, the I Ching, and Hindu theology have all been interpreted by someone who believes 2012 is the end of time. The sky is falling! Several physicists believe we're overdue for a major catastrophe like the one that evaporated the dinosaurs. And the supervolcano under Yellowstone National Park is due for a major eruption which could result in the death of ninety percent of the world's population. WTF?! This book was really making an effort to ruin my day. Did somebody say "Miller Time?"

So what are we to do about this? I got to thinking about our obsession with predictions on a catastrophic level. Remember Y2K? It was going to be the end of society as we knew it, remember? Financial computer systems were going to reset to the year 1900 and, ZOINK, meltdown! If computers reset to 1900, how will elevators go up and down? How will I get to my Excel spreadsheets on my computer? How will I play Donkey Kong on my Nintendo? How will my car start? How will my toilet flush? What am I going to do?! As a society, I know what we all did. We all drove to our nearest grocery stores and bought all of the toilet paper, beer, cigarettes, and water. And just in case we got the munchies, we bought all the Pop Tarts too. And what eventually happened at midnight on January 1, 2000? Nothing. Oopsie. Oh well, at least I had a garage full of beer and cigarettes and Pop Tarts.

OK, people. Put down the beer and cigarettes and Pop Tarts and let's take a step back. Now let's take two steps back. Now three. Time to Cha Cha! Seriously, though, let's think about it. No matter what the theory, no matter what method of larger-than-life disaster could possibly occur, whether it's in the year 2012 or next year or 1,000 years from now, what are we REALLY going to do about it? Seriously. The sun belching out a gigantic solar flare that consumes Earth? We're toast. A supervolcano consuming our atmosphere with ash and fire? Sayonara bitches! An asteroid bitch-slapping our planet? Uh oh, doesn't sound good, does it? It'll be like Shaquille O'Neal planting his size 23 shoe on an ant pile. Lights out, smoosh, done! Your MySpace page? Gone. Your $200 sneakers? Gone. Your IKEA coffee table? Gone. Your pet gerbil named Snuggles? Gone. All of this worrying about 2012? Gone.

I know what you are going to ask. "OK, you jackass, then what should we do? Do nothing?" There's a lot we can do. But worrying about the apocalypse is as useless as... well, if the apocalypse happens, it's the end of the world people. I can't get any clearer than that. THE END! So, in the meantime, hug your kids, pet your cat, tell your mom you love her, tell your friends they rock, donate to charity, and please recycle. But most of all, for the love of God, quit picking your goddamn nose and act like a civilized human being. If the apocalypse happens tomorrow, then I'm glad we had this talk. If not, then I have a garage full of beer, cigarettes, and Pop Tarts. Who wants to party at my house?

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