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Children Offsets

Written by Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant

Sunday, 11 January 2009

A friend of mine just had her first child this year and is already talking about adding a second to the family. She is fairly certain, however, that she will stop at two. Unlike Michelle and Jim Bob (yes, that's his real name, if I were making it up, I would have gone with Joe Bob) Duggar, who just welcomed child number eighteen into the clan this month, who, when added to the two adopted kids, makes twenty in all for the couple. They - of course - have a new book out called, Someone Please Tie My Tubes! No, I meant, The Duggars: 20 and Counting!

I, on the other hand, am the proud mom of no human children. I do have canine kids, but the IRS refuses to let me declare them on my taxes. My lack of childbearing has been intentional - when I was in junior high school, I joined the math team and once I was able to do geometric progressions in my head , I knew that if I had two kids and each of my kids had two kids and so on and so on, things would be a real mess really fast. So I chose not to have children. It didn't hurt that being on the math team I didn't date
much.

Three husbands later, I've managed to keep my childhood child-free promise, despite husband number two talking me into "trying." Fortunately my uterus is a Slip and Slide.

I'm glad I still fall into the "Look ma, I forgot to have kids" category on the Census form because anything that we can't directly blame on George W. Bush is the result of the population explosion - from global warming to world hunger to stampedes every December at Wal-Mart. By not having brought two or five or eighteen kids into this world, I've done my part to keep my carbon footprint as small as I can, considering I wear a size nine. I've also greatly reduced the need for mood-altering drugs in my house.

I don't know how people have children at all these days. I'd be so wracked with guilt, worrying about how many polar bears would have to die so my kids could get their own car when they graduated high school. Right now, transportation at the Duggar household is provided by nine vehicles, led by a 21-passenger bus. I feel guilty just having hot flashes, I can't imagine
what it would do to me every time I heard that caravan starting up in the driveway.

On the other hand, I firmly believe everyone should have control over their own reproduction, even those who have obviously lost all gray matter due to high decibel screaming and the smell of more than 90,000 diapers. And I believe in freedom of (and from) religion. The Duggars are members of an evangelical Christian movement called Quiverful, and apparently Joe Bob. I mean Jim Bob's quiver is full. Although you'd think by now he'd be shooting Nerf arrows.

Unlike many of our politicians, I'm unwilling to identify a problem without suggesting a solution and by Josh, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, and Jordyn-Grace (maybe the Duggar's will stop reproducing when they run out of "J" names?) I've come up with one.

And the solution is [insert drum roll here] . Children Offsets!

That's right, Children Offsets. My idea is based on carbon offsets which allow companies who want to continue to pollute to pay other companies to make things right by planting trees, setting up windmills, or getting Leo DeCaprio to voice their commercials. With Children Offsets, couples who want to hump like bunnies could pay people like me NOT to have children. I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of women who'd be willing to go on the pill if the price was right. And while young men would probably still not line up for vasectomies, if the money was good, they'd at least be willing to double up on condoms.

We'd be kind of the opposite of surrogates, offering to bear not children, but the guilt of couples all across the world for a fee. Imagine the relief you could feel spawning your next child or dozen knowing that they can use all the electricity they want to power their videogames and iPod chargers, toss their Styrofoam fast-food containers in the trash instead of the recycling bin, take careers as lawyers for the oil and gas industry, and so on. Talk about a load off.

I'm a perfect candidate for the program being both childless and post-menopausal. I can promise with certainly that I'd not have children for anyone. In fact, I'm thinking of writing a letter to Sarah Palin right now. Someone's got to save the planet and I guess it starts with me.