 A friend of mine just had her first child this year and
is already talking about adding a second to the family. She is fairly
certain, however, that she will stop at two. Unlike Michelle and Jim Bob
(yes, that's his real name, if I were making it up, I would have gone with
Joe Bob) Duggar, who just welcomed child number eighteen into the clan this
month, who, when added to the two adopted kids, makes twenty in all for the
couple. They - of course - have a new book out called, Someone Please Tie My
Tubes! No, I meant, The Duggars: 20 and Counting!
I, on the other
hand, am the proud mom of no human children. I do have canine kids, but the
IRS refuses to let me declare them on my taxes. My lack of childbearing has
been intentional - when I was in junior high school, I joined the math team
and once I was able to do geometric progressions in my head , I knew that if
I had two kids and each of my kids had two kids and so on and so on, things
would be a real mess really fast. So I chose not to have children. It didn't
hurt that being on the math team I didn't date
much.
Three husbands
later, I've managed to keep my childhood child-free promise, despite husband
number two talking me into "trying." Fortunately my uterus is a Slip and
Slide.
I'm glad I still fall into the "Look ma, I forgot to have kids"
category on the Census form because anything that we can't directly blame on
George W. Bush is the result of the population explosion - from global
warming to world hunger to stampedes every December at Wal-Mart. By not
having brought two or five or eighteen kids into this world, I've done my
part to keep my carbon footprint as small as I can, considering I wear a size
nine. I've also greatly reduced the need for mood-altering drugs in my
house.
I don't know how people have children at all these days. I'd be so
wracked with guilt, worrying about how many polar bears would have to die so
my kids could get their own car when they graduated high school. Right
now, transportation at the Duggar household is provided by nine vehicles, led
by a 21-passenger bus. I feel guilty just having hot flashes, I can't
imagine
what it would do to me every time I heard that caravan starting up in
the driveway.
On the other hand, I firmly believe everyone should have
control over their own reproduction, even those who have obviously lost all
gray matter due to high decibel screaming and the smell of more than 90,000
diapers. And I believe in freedom of (and from) religion. The Duggars are
members of an evangelical Christian movement called Quiverful, and apparently
Joe Bob. I mean Jim Bob's quiver is full. Although you'd think by now he'd
be shooting Nerf arrows.
Unlike many of our politicians, I'm unwilling
to identify a problem without suggesting a solution and by Josh, Jana,
John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah,
Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, and Jordyn-Grace
(maybe the Duggar's will stop reproducing when they run out of "J" names?)
I've come up with one.
And the solution is [insert drum roll here] .
Children Offsets!
That's right, Children Offsets. My idea is based on
carbon offsets which allow companies who want to continue to pollute to pay
other companies to make things right by planting trees, setting up windmills,
or getting Leo DeCaprio to voice their commercials. With Children Offsets,
couples who want to hump like bunnies could pay people like me NOT to have
children. I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of women who'd be willing
to go on the pill if the price was right. And while young men would probably
still not line up for vasectomies, if the money was good, they'd at least be
willing to double up on condoms.
We'd be kind of the opposite of
surrogates, offering to bear not children, but the guilt of couples all
across the world for a fee. Imagine the relief you could feel spawning your
next child or dozen knowing that they can use all the electricity they want
to power their videogames and iPod chargers, toss their Styrofoam fast-food
containers in the trash instead of the recycling bin, take careers as lawyers
for the oil and gas industry, and so on. Talk about a load off.
I'm a
perfect candidate for the program being both childless and post-menopausal. I
can promise with certainly that I'd not have children for anyone. In fact,
I'm thinking of writing a letter to Sarah Palin right now. Someone's got to
save the planet and I guess it starts with me.
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