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Accidental Comic

Visions of Sugar Plumb(ers)

Written by Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

I wonder if it's too late to become a plumber? Plumbers always have work - sinks get stopped up, pipes break, someone tries to flush a bad toupee down the toilet... It's different when you're a comedian. No one calls at 6:30 a.m. on a Sunday begging you to make time for them on your schedule. They don't wake up to find their sense of humor has burst because of a cold snap and frantically start dialing your number. And no one dares get all liquored up and yell at you, "I can unclog toilets better than you in my sleep!"

Sure, a plumber has to wade in some crap, but we comedians are used to that.

The question is on my mind today for two reasons. First, it was 16 degrees here last night and despite letting my kitchen faucet trickle all night long, I woke up to find my floor wet. It was 5:30 a.m. and I was up feeding the dogs (don't get me started on how I should train the dogs to eat later - if you've never had a 23-lb. dachshund stand on your trachea in order to cut off your air supply until you get up and pour out some dog food, we have nothing to talk about.) As I groggily sloshed past the sink in the dark, something in my half-asleep brain registered a problem of sorts.

"Is the floor supposed to be wet?" my left brain asked.

"Shhh. I'm trying not to wake up," my right brain replied.

"But something's wrong here, I just know it," left brain insisted.

"You're always overanalyzing things. Let's just go back to bed," right brain said, getting the last word, as usual.

Unfortunately, I couldn't go back to sleep, what with the two halves of my brain arguing about who's always looking on the negative side and who's living in denial. So I got up again, this time resigned to being awake and went to check things out. Sure enough there was water everywhere.

The second reason I'm considering becoming a plumber is that, I'm not sure if you know this or not, but the job market sucks. I recently saw a guy standing on the side of a freeway off ramp that read, "Will work for work." Oprah's favorite Christmas show this year included throwing swap parties with your friends (note to Oprah: I'd love to come to YOUR swap party). Martha Stewart recently showed how to cook a holiday Spam.

So I'm probably not alone in my trepidation about whether or not I'll have enough work next year to keep from having to testify in front of Congress next year about my need for a financial bailout. After all, if all these companies can get money because they made bad business decisions in the past, I should be right at the top of the list. After all, fifteen years ago I decided to go into business as a comedian!

Meanwhile, I'm going to go ask the plumber who currently has his head under my kitchen sink to teach me how to snake a drain. You never know.