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 Well, the holidays are officially here. Although
WHAT HOLIDAYS is not as clear now as when I was, say, eleven. Back then I
assumed everyone except my two Jewish friends had a Christmas tree, a nativity
scene on the mantel, and a crazy uncle who got liquored up and rearranged the
lawn reindeer into sexually-suggestive poses.
Things are way more complicated these days. And I
don't just mean because parents can't decorate the house with spun glass angel
hair like my dad used to, at least not without Child Protective Services getting
a phone call. You can still buy the stuff on eBay and it doesn't even come with
the usual warning: "Touching this decoration will leave you with shards of glass
in your fingers for years and may result in one or more trips to the Emergency
Room before the holidays are over."
Now that we're in the 21st century (at
least most of us are), we've become more aware that there are other winter
holidays beside Christmas and there are many people who don't celebrate anything
in particular during the entire month of December, except maybe Jimmy Buffet's
birthday (December 25). These people have been here all along, it's just that we
couldn't see them from our tiny little universe in Abilene, Texas or
Mistletoe, Maine or Christmas Valley, OR. Maybe we weren't looking hard enough.
After all, Sarah Palin can see Russia from her back yard.
It's hard to be unaware of the rest of the world
these days, however. Part of this is because the Internet has connected us with
people outside our hometown, something I'd have given my sister's collection of
Monkees records for back when I was young. Not to mention that in the past
decade many American jobs have been shipped overseas and we've taken to playing
a kind of Where's Waldo game, trying to find the exact location of our former
paychecks. And when we call customer service to try to figure out why the gas
company charged us $8713 to heat our house last month, our phone call often ends
up being an exercise in international diplomacy.
You (joking): Even my brother the arsonist doesn't spend
that much money on gas.
Them: Excusing me. What is this "arsonist?" Is new
American pop star?
Yup, it's a global world now. Always has been,
unless you're a member of the Flat Earth Society. To you, it's more of a map
world. Which must be a struggle, seeing how hard to is to get the thing folded
up at night.
Now when it comes to holidays, even our children
realize there is Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Diwali, Winter Solstice, and
Ramadan, to name the major winter celebrations. These days, I'm a spiritual but
not a religious person (this phrase drives my religious friends nuts. To them,
it's like saying I'm a woman, but not a female). But I'm totally okay with
celebrating anything. If you believe it and you want to invite me to your party,
I'll be there. I'll kiss under the mistletoe, light candles or diyas, spin a
dreidel, exchange presents, pretend to believe in a jolly fat man who can find
anyone's house anywhere without stopping and asking for directions, wear a
Uwole, dance around a fire, or abstain from sex - all of which are part of the
traditions many people around the world honor. The only thing I won't do is
fast. Not with so much gingerbread and eggnog around every corner.
Some people think that by honoring many
celebrations, I and my fellow co-conspirators have declared "War on Christmas."
Really, nothing can be further from the truth. I have a Christmas tree at my
house. Of course, I may have it up to protect from witches, ghosts, and evil
spirits, as many ancient pre-Christian societies did - that's for me to know and
you to find out. Besides, I'm from German stock (kind of like chicken stock,
only with a beer chaser) and we Germans started the tradition of cutting down
perfectly healthy trees and bringing them indoors where we could dust them. So I
feel compelled not to let my people down this time of year. Of course, mine's a
tiny little fake tree with lights permanently attached, so it probably doesn't
count.
I'm writing this column to ask everyone to try to
play nice this holiday season. Just because someone wishes you the wrong holiday
or says something stupid like "Have a nice day" instead, please just have
another swig of nog or a Jimmy Buffet-inspired margarita and assume they meant
well.
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