The stars might be bizarre in the upcoming season

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Finding a mitten in a snow bank strangely leads to your sex-change operation and eventual bankruptcy. Your chili recipe incorporating yak meat is a big hit at a meeting for periodontists. That water skiing squirrel comes into your life in an unexpectedly personal way.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The appearance of Joe the Plumber at your company's Christmas party evokes gales of silence. Giggling at a friend's designer knee socks puts your relationship in the deep freeze. Your choice of the Nazi anthem "Horst Wessel Song" as your cell ringtone should be rethought.

Your dream about Bill Belichick causes you to wet the bed. A mid-winter taffy pull ends tragically. The effects of cabin fever causes you to wear women's clothing, but it's okay since you're a woman.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

A toboggan injury leads you to believe that you are Ralph Lauren. Allergies put the kibosh on your plan to take a walk on the wild side. Your performance of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" is a tour-de-force at a New Year's Eve party, but you are institutionalized later that night.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

A woman in a parking lot mistakes you for her gastroenterologist, resulting in an uncomfortable conversation. Terrell Owens goes off on you after another Dallas Cowboy loss in December. The office manager overhears you discussing her puppy fat and chucks a Dymo Label Maker at you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

A cookie bake-off at your child's elementary school turns positively Kafka-esque. Some friends come around at twelve with some Puerto Rican girls that are just dying to meet you. A local nail salon staffed by zombies ruins your special makeover day.

Libra (September 23-October 23)

Your Power Point presentation on elves prompts a fawning phone call from a Keebler executive named Rufus. Jury duty ends badly when your nose picking on behalf of the defense causes a mistrial. A date with Amy Winehouse gives you an embarrassing stiffie.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21)

That portrait of you by Annie Liebovitz on the cover of the latest Vanity Fair SO doesn't capture your essence. Branding your cellmate's buttock with the image of dancing Snoopy doesn't create the desired effect. A reader's comment on your blog forces you to re-evaluate your entire existence.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

An unstable pharmacist humiliates you over your hemorrhoid medication. Angelina Jolie comes on to you at a holiday party, but your cavalier remark about the pigs-in-a-blanket sends her off in a huff. Taking a class in medieval tampon storage pays big dividends in future endeavors.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

A flirtation with the server at the coffeeshop isn't helped by you repeatedly calling her a "Sandinista." You realize that today you have a final in a class you didn't realize you were registered for, but you can't find your locker to get the textbook and even if you could, you can't remember the combination. Your drunken imitation of David Caruso talk-singing "Born to Be Wild" blows any chance you had at getting laid, ever again.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Your phrase "tickling the baboon" becomes an online sensation, though no one, not even you, is exactly sure what it means. The upper peninsula of Michigan asks you to lead its secessionist movement. Your grown grandchildren find your assertion that you were once a member of the Cure difficult to accept.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

You get the odd notion that your dog would enjoy wearing a toupee. Your pre-arranged date, who turns out to be a chainsaw-wielding Ted Nugent, gives you a sense of unease. Your questionable behavior at a botanical garden benefit earns you the unwelcome nickname "Weepy McPervert."

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