Barack Obama got a new job on Tuesday (and the party at my house is still going strong). But with unemployment in this country reaching Terror Alert Orange, the rest of us are now in the market too. Hopefully it won't take us as long as it did our new Prez.

I've been self-employed for fifteen years - which, of course, means I never get a vacation, have no one to blame for mistakes but myself, and hardly ever get sexually-harassed. Well, there was last Thursday, but I didn't report it...

But there are some ads out there that I found interesting:

• Estimator - This is something I'd be really good at. As a comedian and comedy writer, I'm unaccustomed to dealing with facts, so I do a lot of estimating. The crowd at the John McCain concession speech? More than three. Number of teaspoons of coffee needed to make four cups? About seven. See, I'm good at estimating. Nine. Five thousand two hundred and eleven. Less than the weight of a full-grown manatee...
• Senior Backend Developer - I'm not yet a senior, but I know how to develop a backend. Hell, fifteen years sitting at my computer has developed mine plenty. Unfortunately the company also wants infrastructure experience and the ability to maintain a website. I guess I COULD learn this stuff. Or maybe I could just impress everyone with my well-developed backend and hope they don't notice the deficit of other skills.
• Chef - I can cook, so there's that. Sure, I specialize in macaroni and cheese and chili, but those are staples and I'm sure I could build on them if I had to. The further I got into the ad, the more intriguing the job requirements became. The company said they wanted someone who could select, train, supervise, and discipline associates in the kitchen. That's like a dream come true for me. Well, at least the disciplining part. All my life I've wanted to put on thigh-high vinyl boots and a dog collar and slap people across the hindquarters with a plastic spatula. And to get to do that while whipping up green bean casserole with mushroom soup and onion topping (yet another of my specialties), could there be a better job?
• Merchandising Execution Associate - I wasn't comfortable with the idea of executing merchandise when I first glanced at this ad, but after browsing through the Toys R Us holiday catalog in the same paper, I think I could bring myself to off any of the High School Musical 3 dolls or Mr Potato Head: Taters of the Lost Ark (a real toy, you betcha!)
• Mammographer - How hard can this be? I've had eight mammograms myself and think I could probably push the button that squeezes a woman's breasts so tight they nearly invert while telling her not to breathe... Nope, sorry, passed out just thinking about it.
• Singing Telegram Performer - Okay, now we're talking, uh, I mean, singing. I LOVE to sing. And since Don Henley has ignored my repeated requests to back him up next time he goes on the road, my vocal skills are available. I have tons of experience in showers and elevators and am willing to wear all kinds of crazy costumes, from gorilla to naughty police officer (but only if I get to carry a Taser). I circled this one three times with red lipstick.
• Wanted: 2 Dependable Men - Okay, not so much a job for me as a fantasy. But hey, they say hunting for a job is a job, so a girl's gotta take a break every now and then.

Maybe none of these jobs will actually work out for me. I have to be ready to accept that I may be rejected a few times before the perfect new occupation comes knocking. But I’ll keep looking. Or at least scanning the personals for a Sugar Daddy. I’d prefer a Splenda Daddy because I don’t need any extra calories, but I’ll take what I can get.

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