 Ever been possessed by the devil? Neither have I, really. I only bring the question up because I rented the Exorcist
on video last week, and it really made me wonder who among my friends
and acquaintances had ever been possessed. I couldn't think of anyone
offhand, but maybe they just hadn't mentioned it.
Naturally. Being possessed by the devil isn't something you want spread
around town. Like Linda Blair in the movie, I'd stay in my room if I
was possessed. "Don't let me out of here!" I'd tell my wife or my mom,
whoever it was taking care of me. Afterwards, I'd tell everyone I'd
been down to Florida for a vacation. If they ask why I'm all bruised
up, I'd say, "Well, I was in Florida, plus I fell down." If they ask
why I don't have a tan, I'd say "I was in New Hampshire part of the
time." You have to be a fast thinker to keep this kind of thing a
secret.
And you do want to keep it a secret. The more I think about it, the
more I'm convinced that the fewer people who know you are possessed the
better. You're definitely not at your best at this time. I'd like to
think, though, that I'd have better manners than Linda Blair's if I did
get possessed. Spitting and vomiting on people, inappropriate trips to
the lavatory, crotch-grabbing, biting and neck twisting are inexcusable
whether you're possessed or just cranky. I'm not saying possession is a
day at the beach and you'll be at the top of your game, but I wouldn't
use up all the goodwill built over the years in one brief, albeit
difficult, period of your life.
The only people who should know you're possessed by the devil are your
family, a physician, a psychiatrist and, of course, an exorcist. (You
might also have to tell the team of Mighty Maids that come to clean up
the place. They'll guess anyway.) As in the movie, the line of
specialists (physician to psychiatrist to exorcist) will follow in
natural progression. Again, I wouldn't vomit on these people or grab
and wring their crotches. Nobody likes this except, perhaps, bargoers
down in the Flats. Even while possessed, I'd try to think of the other
person's feelings. Would I enjoy having my crotch wrung? Is demonic
possession really a good enough excuse for this kind of behavior? These
are the questions I'd ask myself before I committed an indiscretion.
Not that indiscretions are completely avoidable while you're possessed.
That's the whole point of it, after all. But I'd try to keep them to a
minimum. Growling's all right - everyone expects that - but bellowing
obscene, blasphemous remarks at your exorcist isn't going to win you
any friends. In the movie, Linda Blair lashes out with superhuman
strength against those who try to feed her and sedate her, or she
levitates irritably. Again, don't be more of a nuisance than you have
to be. Caring for the demonically possessed isn't much fun, and those
who do would much rather be watching a video or enjoying a good meal,
or anything, really. Keep in mind that while most of the aggravation is
yours, demonic possession can ruin everybody's day.
Remember that words can hurt. Linda Blair says some vile thing to the
exorcists in the movie, and to add insult to injury, kills them as
well. Try to be considerate while you're possessed. If you can't,
here's what I'd say afterward to anyone who may have absorbed your
verbal abuse: "Listen, if I said anything out of line there, I hope
you'll forget it. I was possessed by the devil and anything funky I
said was probably due to that." That's usually enough to dispel any
lingering uneasiness you invariably cause with comments made while
possessed. If your family still looks troubled by the effects of your
possession, I'd say, "Really, don't worry about it."
The best way to avoid these problems, of course, is to avoid possession
by the devil in the first place. The way I do this is by maintaining a
positive, upbeat attitude. So far, this has worked fine for me. Also,
lay off the fried foods.
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Quirkee Voices 
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