Ever been possessed by the devil? Neither have I, really. I only bring the question up because I rented the Exorcist on video last week, and it really made me wonder who among my friends and acquaintances had ever been possessed. I couldn't think of anyone offhand, but maybe they just hadn't mentioned it.

Naturally. Being possessed by the devil isn't something you want spread around town. Like Linda Blair in the movie, I'd stay in my room if I was possessed. "Don't let me out of here!" I'd tell my wife or my mom, whoever it was taking care of me. Afterwards, I'd tell everyone I'd been down to Florida for a vacation. If they ask why I'm all bruised up, I'd say, "Well, I was in Florida, plus I fell down." If they ask why I don't have a tan, I'd say "I was in New Hampshire part of the time." You have to be a fast thinker to keep this kind of thing a secret.

The only people who should know you're possessed by the devil are your family, a physician, a psychiatrist and, of course, an exorcist. (You might also have to tell the team of Mighty Maids that come to clean up the place. They'll guess anyway.) As in the movie, the line of specialists (physician to psychiatrist to exorcist) will follow in natural progression. Again, I wouldn't vomit on these people or grab and wring their crotches. Nobody likes this except, perhaps, bargoers down in the Flats. Even while possessed, I'd try to think of the other person's feelings. Would I enjoy having my crotch wrung? Is demonic possession really a good enough excuse for this kind of behavior? These are the questions I'd ask myself before I committed an indiscretion.

Not that indiscretions are completely avoidable while you're possessed. That's the whole point of it, after all. But I'd try to keep them to a minimum. Growling's all right - everyone expects that - but bellowing obscene, blasphemous remarks at your exorcist isn't going to win you any friends. In the movie, Linda Blair lashes out with superhuman strength against those who try to feed her and sedate her, or she levitates irritably. Again, don't be more of a nuisance than you have to be. Caring for the demonically possessed isn't much fun, and those who do would much rather be watching a video or enjoying a good meal, or anything, really. Keep in mind that while most of the aggravation is yours, demonic possession can ruin everybody's day.

Remember that words can hurt. Linda Blair says some vile thing to the exorcists in the movie, and to add insult to injury, kills them as well. Try to be considerate while you're possessed. If you can't, here's what I'd say afterward to anyone who may have absorbed your verbal abuse: "Listen, if I said anything out of line there, I hope you'll forget it. I was possessed by the devil and anything funky I said was probably due to that." That's usually enough to dispel any lingering uneasiness you invariably cause with comments made while possessed. If your family still looks troubled by the effects of your possession, I'd say, "Really, don't worry about it."

The best way to avoid these problems, of course, is to avoid possession by the devil in the first place. The way I do this is by maintaining a positive, upbeat attitude. So far, this has worked fine for me. Also, lay off the fried foods.

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