Halloween is supposed to be scary. Although it's scarier where I live. In Eugene, Oregon people dress, shall we say "unusually," 365 days of the year, so you don't dare say "Cool costume!" when you walk by someone in a bride of Frankenstein outfit because there's an outside chance that's what she (or he) wears to work every day. It's like reaching out to pat someone's belly and asking how pregnant they are, only to be met with a cold stare and a defensive, "I'm not pregnant, I'm a guy. And I'm on Jenny Craig."

But this year, Halloween is confusing for everyone, rolled up as it is in the middle of a giant election burrito. If someone shows up at your door with a chainsaw he could be a trick or treater OR a politician fed up with negative campaigning. One will want a miniature Snickers bar and the other your vote AND a handful of Snickers bars for all the members of his staff who all have low blood sugar after months of living off energy drinks and power bars.

The longer the presidential campaign drags on (what's it been now, three and a half years?), the more it seems that political ads are being written by the same kids who used to TP your house and egg your car if you dared give them raisins or handmade popcorn balls instead of store bought candy. John McCain's whole ad campaign with the message of "We don't really know who that one, that Barack Obama really is" combined with his running mate's insistence that Obama "pals around with terrorists" could easily be the trailer for a new Halloween horror movie.

Scary Voice-Over Guy: A serious and disturbingly inspiring young man by day, Barack Hussein Obama changes into someone else at night. He doesn't seem affected by lack of sleep, lower back pain, or the apparent demise of the entire capitalist system our country is based on. He smiles, but just what is he hiding behind those pearly whites?And just why won't he wear a flag pin? Could it be that, like a vampire who can be repelled with a cross, the flag scares him?

Just as Hussein arrives on the scene, a series of inexplicable disasters occur. Hurricanes batter the soutern and eastern coasts of the United States. Trains collide. Wall Street collapses. A mammoth is found frozen in a lake in Michigan. A ballerina sprains her ankle. Oprah puts on weight. It turns out that drinking all that water isn't good for you after all. A man has too much Botox and can't smile for a week.

But all is not lost. Enter the Prisoner of War and a gun-toting mama from the North Country. Can they save the world from the evil that wants to rule the world? Or will they get really, really tired trying?

The Week After Halloween: The Electionator. It's all the blood without any of the Gore. Coming Nov. 4th to a polling place near you.

I'm not a big fan of horror movies or things that go bump - or chad - in the night. So rather than sitting on the edges of our seats and yelling "Don't go into the basement," as this flick plays out, there's only one safe solution. Each and every one of us has to grab some disenfranchised, apathetic or just damned lazy person and get him or her out to vote. It doesn't matter if it takes a chainsaw and a mask of Sarah P. The alternative is just too spooky.

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