Here it is, the final week of the presidential campaign and I know what you're thinking: is there a single person left in America who hasn't been the subject of some form of candidate outreach? Hockey moms, gun-totin' crazies, undecideds who are driving the rest of us nuts by their indecisiveness, along with independents, liberals, conservatives - everybody has somebody reaching out to them. Or so you think. But you are sadly mistaken. Both campaigns are missing crucial voting blocks that could make or break this election. And since I'm an unabashed Obama supporter, I'm going to direct my startling insights to his top-level advisors. Folks, pay attention. I'm about to lead your guy to victory by pointing out the five untouched voting blocks that could sweep Obama into office.

Ignored voting block number one: English majors.

Forsooth, for too long English majors have been ignored in the demographics of this race. In both the scarlet states and the azure states, as well as those whose colors form an interesting pastiche, a group of literate lads and ladies have been waiting for a candidate to come rapping, gently rapping, at their chamber doors. So the next time that Palin or McCain say something insulting, Obama should fire back with a Shakespearean insult to capture the English major vote. Something like:

"Governor Palin, you possess not so much brain as ear-wax."

"Senator McCain, you are a boil, a plague-sore, a lump of foul deformity."

"The problem with the Republican ticket is that it adheres to the Bush doctrine, and President Bush is a mountain of mad flesh."

Ignored voting block number two: Goofballs.

Now that Obama has wrapped up the literati vote, it's time that he turns his attention to the other end of the spectrum: the goofball. This is the guy who still makes fart noises with his armpit. The guy who chugs a beer so that he can see if he can beat his personal belch record. I recommend that Joe Biden be given the task of securing the goofball vote since he has a tendency to stray into goofball territory from time to time. He could show the crowd in subtle ways that Joe Biden is Joe Six-Pack. And what's the best way? By speaking the universal language of goofballs: Pig Latin. When he's out on the stump this week, Biden should work in a few phrases in Pig Latin to get the goofball voters' attention:

"Sarah Palin says that she is ready to be president if something happened to John McCain, but folks, I'm here to tell you that Alin-pay oesn't-day ow-knay it-shay. Admit it: the idea of President Palin is ightening-fray. Makes me ared-scay ‘cuz she's azy-cray, I mean she is one azy-cray ady-lay!"

Ignored voting block number three: Translators.

You know the guy you hear on the radio translating some foreign dignitary's remarks? The guy who takes what sounds like seven zillion words and summarizes them into one English sentence? These are the translators, and they are just waiting to be courted by the candidates. Here's how the Obama-Biden campaign could reach out to this little-noticed voting block and secure its votes.

First, the campaign could hire them, which would automatically get their votes since the collapse of the global economy has probably resulted in some serious translator lay-offs.

Second, by hiring translators the campaign could benefit from their skills. Translators are used to decoding what sounds like gibberish to most Americans.

* Foreign guy: blah blah blah unintelligible blah blah yada yada blah blah yip yap yuppity yip blah blah blah gurgle gargle snorkel unintelligible blah blah.

* Translator: Russia hates us.

I suggest that Obama and Biden hire a bunch of translators who could provide the same service on the campaign trail.

* McCain: I fought earmarks in committee on appropriations bills when I was subcommittee chair and reached across the aisle to build consensus with ranking members and the leadership in all the fiscal years that a budget was submitted for Congressional approval except for fiscal years with continuing resolutions as budget vehicles.

* Translator: I forgot what the hell the question was so I'll ramble and throw out big big-sounding words until I figure it's safe to shut up.

Ignored voting block number four: Flight Attendants.

Who makes you feel safer when you have put your life into the hands of another than a soothing flight attendant? And what better way for Obama to send a message that we're in good hands with him than to use a few key flight attendant phrases to signal that all is well, while simultaneously reaching out to the stewards and stewardesses of America?

Obama could begin his next speech by welcoming everyone to the rally, and thanking everyone there for choosing to fly with him. He could warn that if the country chooses to fly on Air McCain, serious turbulence will result. Obama could advise the crowd:

"Please take a moment to identify the closest emergency exit. You may locate your closest exit by entering your assigned polling place on November 4. To remove yourself and our country from economic and foreign policy emergencies, simply click the box marked ‘Obama-Biden.' If all passengers flying on US America calmly access the emergency exit at the appropriate time, disaster can be averted."

Ignored voting block number five: Unreal Americans.

A new mammoth voting block has been uncovered by none other than Sarah Palin herself! At least I think it was discovered by Sarah "Project Runway" Palin but it's hard to be certain since the rustle of her Neiman Marcus, Barneys and Saks Fifth Avenue shopping bags has been drowning her out lately. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure that Palin has informed the nation that the only "real" Americans are those who vote Republican and live out in the boondocks and think she's a superstar (oh yes, and also those who share a hand-pressed, imported bean, filtered water capaccino with her in the Neiman Marcus dressing room). Apparently, everybody else is an unreal American.

This poses both an opportunity and a challenge for the Obama campaign. If Obama can locate the millions of unreal Americans, he can certainly wrap up this election. But reaching out to unreal Americans is tricky: where exactly is unreality? This calls for the immediate assistance of the only man qualified to search out what lies beyond the plane of reality. Yes, it's time to get Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise on the Obama-Biden campaign staff! Tell William Shatner to cinch up his girdle, dust off his uniform, and boldly go where no campaign organizer has gone before!

I hope that the Obama-Biden campaign will take my recommendations to heart. There are millions of untapped voters out there just waiting to hear the words that will send them to the voting booth on election day!

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