I am in the middle of an eight-day tour of Alaska and the countryside is not the only thing that looks bleak.

I was fortunate enough to have been invited on a cruise from Vancouver to Glacier Bay and the Inner Passage. I’ve done comedy on cruises many times so the only new aspects for me are the locale and the fact that I’m not working directly for the cruise line.

I have been asked to come along as part of a private party for the hosts and listeners of a morning radio show in Austin who have decided to spend their vacation here. This means that I can do whatever I want at the show and don’t have to worry about offending children or seniors at the show.

She has pretty thick skin as far as my act is concerned. She has wound up being the butt of many of my jokes. Some of my jokes are even about her butt.

We flew to Vancouver and arrived on a Wednesday. We were a tad nervous as we didn’t have a lot of money and we like to drink a lot. They charge a lot of money for a drink on a cruise ship and we had to make other arrangements for our at sea inebriation.

I had some time to plan for the trip and being the highly-functional alcoholic that I am, I was very diligent and attentive to every detail as I worked out our devious scheme to defraud the cruise company and sneak our very own cheap vodka aboard the boat so as to avoid paying for their very expensive vodka in the ship’s bars.

- Quirkee Fun Fact: Cruise lines regularly charge guests $40.00 for an alcoholic drink!

We are vodka drinkers and we worship at the altar of an Austrian vodka called Monopolowa. It is cheaper than most but it tastes far superior to some that are more expensive. Plus it’s a really fun word to say when you’ve had a few.

- Quirkee Fun Fact: Monopolowa is one of the few vodkas that is still made from potatoes!

The cruise line’s policy is to have their staff thoughtfully take your checked baggage directly from the Vancouver airport to the room that you are staying in on the ship to save you hassle and to make sure you don’t try anything funny. They also warn you that they will x-ray your baggage for weapons, drugs and alcohol or anything else they deem inappropriate to the cruise ship.

- Quirkee Fun Fact: If security screeners find anything fun in your luggage they throw it away and pee on your suitcase!

I worked it out that if I were to use two of them, I could get about three 1.75-liter bottles worth of vodka into our luggage and onto the boat. We filled the bags with really crappy vodka because we reasoned that if we were caught with cheap stuff and they poured it out it wouldn’t be a huge loss. But there was no way I could abide being witness to the senseless destruction of 3 and a half liters of really good stuff.

We planted the vodka in the secret bags, checked our luggage and hoped for the best.

Around 1 in the afternoon on a Wednesday we arrived at the boat from the Vancouver airport. We were shown to our cabin and told that our luggage would be deposited in our room by approximately 4. We went to the topside of the boat to await our fate.

We set sail, ordered a couple of drinks from the bar and almost immediately it was announced that there was a pod of killer whales visible near the ship. We both screamed at the same time...

Her: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ACTUALLY LOOKING AT KILLER WHALES!!

Me: FIVE DOLLARS FOR A FUCKING BEER?!

Quirkee Fun Fact: Beers on a cruise ship cost upwards of five dollars!

We then began to nervously run back to the cabin over and over to check for our luggage. The worst case scenario was edging closer and closer to reality; that our cache of booze had been discovered and we were doomed to have a $200 a day bar tab for the next eight days.

As seven o’clock approached I was very worried. I started to panic as I began to imagine the possible events unfolding in the ship’s security area. I wondered if our bags would arrive in our room sans vodka and with a note reading, “Nice try, Fuckers!”

At 7:30 we entered our cabin and there was our luggage. We stared motionless at the bags, neither of us daring to move. Finally we slowly picked up the bags and laid them on the bed. We unzipped them and there before our eyes were both bags of booze, whole and intact.

We hugged and jumped up and down in slow motion as the theme from Chariots of Fire played in our heads.

We have a room steward. She’s a very nice woman who makes up our room every day and brings anything we might need. She’s a bit confused as to why we only ever seem to need ice and juice. And we need them constantly.

Quirkee Fun Fact: The Sadlers’ bar tab is lower than anyone else on the ship!

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