 I like
Halloween. And I like sex. Just not both at the same time.
I went to
Spirit Halloween last weekend in search of something to wear to a business
Halloween party. From what I discerned, most of the costumes for sale these days
are not appropriate for the office unless your business is porn. And thanks to
YouTube, you show up in one of these outfits at the company party and you'll be
haunted for many Halloweens to come.
There are
hundreds, if not thousands web stores that cater to customers wanting French
maids outfits and Catholic school girl costumes to live out their fantasies in
the privacy of their own homes. Don't ask me how I know this. And I totally get
how a young, size zero coed (who, according to my understanding of math, don't
actually exist since zero isn't a real number), might want to dress like a slut
for a campus party before settling down a less adventuresome life as a maid,
Catholic school teacher, or Republican nominee for vice president. But the rest
of us grown-ups, especially we women of a certain age whose fantasies are less
of the "pirate rips off our bustier" and more of the "husband picks up own
laundry" variety, would really appreciate a costume that says "I can relax and
enjoy myself," not "Looking for a good
time, mister?"
Perhaps it is
the depressing nature of the real world these days - the stock market
nose-diving, the polar bears becoming bi-polar while searching for ice floes,
the fact that viewers haven't voted Cloris Leachman off Dancing with the Stars
yet - that has led us to the point where we're willing to put our fantasies (and
our tushies) out there for all to see. Or maybe it's the fact that some of the
old standby Halloween costumes - bum and clown, for example - come too close to
how we feel in our everyday lives as we watch Wall Street being bailed out while
we empty our checkbook to make the balloon mortgage payment.
Whatever is
to blame, my quick search of the store found that almost every possible costume
option for women has been sexualized. If you want to take the kids
trick-or-treating dressed as a nurse and don't already have your own uniform,
you're going to be stuck with Naughty Nurse, with a skirt shorter than the
effect our stimulus checks had on the economy and a stethoscope dangling
precariously between her ample bosoms. Even the devil has gotten sexy, with
knee-high red pleather boots and a flame-embellished bustier-dress that barely
covers your sins. If you decide
to go with the old standby, the witch, forget the green make-up and wart - they
don't really go with black fishnets, 4" platform heels, and lace-up-the-back
corset . These costumes definitely put the "trick" in "trick-or-treat."
If you don't
have legs that go on forever or an ample bosom, apparently Halloween is not the
holiday for you. But hang on, Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the
corner, with their turkey and snowman-themed sweaters and vests.
What really
got my goat (which they apparently did NOT have a costume for) were the sexy dog costumes. That's right, you
heard me, sexy dog costumes. Because
it's not enough that your canine has to put up with wearing stupid outfits while
running to the door terrorizing neighbor kids every time the doorbell rings, now
he or she has to exude raw animal lust. There were costumes available to turn
your pooch into a French maid, a cheerleader or Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz,
all of which had incredibly short skirts, but thankfully, not cleavage-revealing
tops. If your little furball is a real vixen, you can put her in a Playboy
Playmate outfit. Just make sure she's fixed first. The same can be said for your
daughters who can choose from Strawberry Tween in striped tights and a
strawberry skirt the size of an iPod or Pirate Teen Hottie.
As for my
costume, I think I'll just put on one of my husband's suits and a scowl and go
as a stockbroker. It may not be very sexy, but at least I'll be covering my, uh,
assets.
|
Quirkee Voices 
(0 vote)
