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Putting the "Trick" in "Trick or Treat"

Written by Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant

Tuesday, 07 October 2008

I like Halloween. And I like sex. Just not both at the same time.

I went to Spirit Halloween last weekend in search of something to wear to a business Halloween party. From what I discerned, most of the costumes for sale these days are not appropriate for the office unless your business is porn. And thanks to YouTube, you show up in one of these outfits at the company party and you'll be haunted for many Halloweens to come.

There are hundreds, if not thousands web stores that cater to customers wanting French maids outfits and Catholic school girl costumes to live out their fantasies in the privacy of their own homes. Don't ask me how I know this. And I totally get how a young, size zero coed (who, according to my understanding of math, don't actually exist since zero isn't a real number), might want to dress like a slut for a campus party before settling down a less adventuresome life as a maid, Catholic school teacher, or Republican nominee for vice president. But the rest of us grown-ups, especially we women of a certain age whose fantasies are less of the "pirate rips off our bustier" and more of the "husband picks up own laundry" variety, would really appreciate a costume that says "I can relax and enjoy myself," not "Looking for a good time, mister?"

Perhaps it is the depressing nature of the real world these days - the stock market nose-diving, the polar bears becoming bi-polar while searching for ice floes, the fact that viewers haven't voted Cloris Leachman off Dancing with the Stars yet - that has led us to the point where we're willing to put our fantasies (and our tushies) out there for all to see. Or maybe it's the fact that some of the old standby Halloween costumes - bum and clown, for example - come too close to how we feel in our everyday lives as we watch Wall Street being bailed out while we empty our checkbook to make the balloon mortgage payment.

Whatever is to blame, my quick search of the store found that almost every possible costume option for women has been sexualized. If you want to take the kids trick-or-treating dressed as a nurse and don't already have your own uniform, you're going to be stuck with Naughty Nurse, with a skirt shorter than the effect our stimulus checks had on the economy and a stethoscope dangling precariously between her ample bosoms. Even the devil has gotten sexy, with knee-high red pleather boots and a flame-embellished bustier-dress that barely covers your sins. If you decide to go with the old standby, the witch, forget the green make-up and wart - they don't really go with black fishnets, 4" platform heels, and lace-up-the-back corset . These costumes definitely put the "trick" in "trick-or-treat."

If you don't have legs that go on forever or an ample bosom, apparently Halloween is not the holiday for you. But hang on, Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner, with their turkey and snowman-themed sweaters and vests.

What really got my goat (which they apparently did NOT have a costume for) were the sexy dog costumes. That's right, you heard me, sexy dog costumes. Because it's not enough that your canine has to put up with wearing stupid outfits while running to the door terrorizing neighbor kids every time the doorbell rings, now he or she has to exude raw animal lust. There were costumes available to turn your pooch into a French maid, a cheerleader or Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, all of which had incredibly short skirts, but thankfully, not cleavage-revealing tops. If your little furball is a real vixen, you can put her in a Playboy Playmate outfit. Just make sure she's fixed first. The same can be said for your daughters who can choose from Strawberry Tween in striped tights and a strawberry skirt the size of an iPod or Pirate Teen Hottie.

As for my costume, I think I'll just put on one of my husband's suits and a scowl and go as a stockbroker. It may not be very sexy, but at least I'll be covering my, uh, assets.