| Written by JR Brow,
on 10-03-2008
|
Views : 463  |
 This week, I am approximately 2,000 miles from nowhere. It's eleven o'clock on a Wednesday night in Winnipeg, Canada. It's 5 degrees outside. I repeat - it is 5 degrees outside. So what if it is Celsius. I'm a Texan, and although the air outside actually teeters around 40°F, it still feels like 5. I'm the farthest thing from a mathematician, but if I had to take a stab at it, I'd say the conversion is C° X 2 + 30 = F°. I don't figure this out on my own, btw. Someone at the airport gives me the idea. I'm here in the Canadian province of Manitoba (aka the proud home of 70's rock god Randy Bachman) for thirteen days of comedy at Rumors Comedy Club. And unless The Guess Who has a reunion show, rumor has it that I'm the hottest ticket in town.
It would be great fun to send a story back to the states, poking fun at the Canadians, because that's what we Americans are particularly fond of - picking on people that are different from us. And now that I've set myself up, I will go ahead and say it - Americans and Canadians are different! For instance, we use different words to describe the same thing. In the Rumors business office, I chat briefly with club owner Ross before going up on stage. He asks, "So, have you had a chance to spend any money on the VLT's yet?" VLT is short speak for video lottery ticket machines, also known as video slot machines in America. However, I think Ross says BLT, as in bacon lettuce and tomato, so I quickly and unknowingly reply, "No. To me, bacon and bread don't go together." Ross assumes I'm referring to money in slang, so he adds, "Sure! You bring home the bacon and try to win the bread!" Now I'm confused. I try to be blunt this time. "I don't like bacon, lettuce and tomato, Ross. That's all." He goes, "What are you talking about?" I go, "BLT's. What are YOU talking about?" He says, "The VLT's, video lottery tickets!" We are finally nearing the same page. "Oh, the slots," I quickly say. Now Ross takes a step toward me, "You paid for a prostitute?" I said, "Slot machines! This is getting crazy! And no, I didn't get a hooker. I thought you said BLT, as in the sandwich." Ross cackles, and when I ask him what Canadians call the BLT, he says, "The bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich."
Call me crazy, but the more I frequent this country, the more I like
it. Yes, the grass usually looks greener on the other side of the
fence. For some strange reason, our dollar still holds a candle to
Canada's. That comes as quite a surprise, considering our current
financial crisis back home. Since I'm going to be here for a while, I
need to convert some of my American money into Canadian.
Unfortunately, I cannot use the same C° X 2 + 30 = F° theory to figure
that ratio. In fact, I'm a bit cautious and concerned that I'll get
back less than I give. I walk into a bank and reluctantly hand over
$85 (a conservative amount for two weeks) to a smiling female teller
who counts out $88 Canadian back to me. Pleasantly surprised, I'm now
the one who is smiling. I'm thinking, "Maybe this is the only bank
that hasn't heard about the Wall Street bailout yet." I thank her,
slip the money into my wallet and head for the comedy condo when a
thought bubbles up. We can blame Canada for preserving the French
language and we can point the finger at her for giving us Celine Dion,
but we shouldn't be so quick to diss the Canucks. They still pay more
for gas then we do, their food costs twice as much, and they pay twice
more in taxes than we do, yet they gladly accept us (and our money)
into their country. You can't say that about a lot of other places in
the world right now, so right now maybe - just maybe, the grass IS
greener.
As I take the paper money out of my wallet and coins out of my pocket
and place them on the coffee table I make this observation. Canadians
and Americans are different! For instance, our dollar is a paper bill
with the portrait of a noble (male) president on the front. They have
a coin, with Queen Elizabeth II (a female) on the front. On the back
of their dollar coin is an engraving of a duck (or a loon). It is
affectionately known as a "Loony." Additionally, they use a $2 coin,
with Queen Elizabeth on the front and an engraving of a bear on the
back. It is also affectionately referred to as a "Toony." It's not
that bears are called "Toons" up here, it's just that they like to say
Loony and Toony. Obviously, Canucks are fond of alliteration! I can
imagine an American hearing this for the first time. "Huh? Looney
Toons? You mean to tell me y'all are spending cartoon money up here?"
If we aren't careful, we'll be spending cartoon money in America real
soon. I have an idea how to stimulate the economy. Turn the
White House into a casino for a solid year and let every American
citizen take a shot at hitting the big time. It isn't as crazy as it
sound, either. To prove my theory, the Luxor in Las Vegas paid off a 5
billion dollar debt in just under 7 days after opening its doors. Think
about it. Congress could appoint Dubya as the pit boss, and Cheney and
Rove could be the coin collectors! If we don't do something soon, we'll
be giving our money crazier nicknames than the Canadians do (if it
isn't already happening today). To summarize, our currency is
decorated with pictures of heroic former presidents who valiantly
helped to create and fight for our great country. In this author's
opinion, if George W. Bush's image ever gets printed on anything
dealing with money, it should be on a giant trillion dollar I.O.U.,
with the words "Sorry, My Bad!" in Latin scrolled across the top. And
that, my friends, is from one Texan to another.
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