 As I have mentioned in this column before, I used
to be a debater in high school and college, which is how I managed to stay a
virgin for so long. I usually keep this information (the debater part, not the
virgin part) to myself, but every four years as the presidential and vice
presidential candidates gear up for their own debates, I offer myself up as an
expert. A nerdy expert most people avoid at parties, but an expert
nonetheless.
Here, then, are my suggestions for effective
debating, honed after six years "on the circuit" as we say in debate
circles:
-
When you shake hands
with the opposition before taking your place behind the podium, make sure your
handshake is firm and proper. By proper, I mean, no fist bumps, high fives, or
secret Masonic handshakes. People are watching. Offer your hand briefly, shake
with a smile, and retract your hand within a few seconds. Do not apply
anti-bacterial hand cream immediately afterward, no matter how phobic you may
be.
- Stand behind the podium
at all times. Even if you wore a nice short skirt so the viewing public won't
pay attention to what you're saying because half of them are wondering how you
stay in such good shape and the other half are wondering how seriously you take
your wedding vows. And no, you shouldn't slide your thin ankle around the side
of the podium midway through your opening remarks just to remind everyone that
not only are you a politicians, you're a sex object too. You got that, Joe
Biden?
- It is fine to use your
hands to gesture, but make sure that you don't look like a cheerleader or a
karate instructor. There are a few specific gestures to avoid: pointing straight
at the camera, pounding your fist on the podium, the arm flap from The Chicken
Dance, Madonna's face framing move from "Vogue," pretending to be a mime stuck
in a box, and the extension of a certain finger to push your glasses up. Everyone knows
what you're doing - we all learned that trick in junior high, so cut it
out!
- You should look either
at the camera, the moderator, or your opponent. Do not look down because that
implies you are embarrassed or hiding something. Or have lost your lucky penny
without which you'll surely lose not only the debate, but the election and
perhaps your five, or is it six, houses. Also, don't gaze heavenward. Appearing
to ask for divine intervention may give you the appearance of being indecisive.
Also, try not to blink too often. Sure the lights are bright, but you should
have practiced by staring at the sun for three days prior to the
debate.
- What your lips do is
also important, as George W. Bush, the King of the Smirk has proven.
Unfortunately, most of us are unaware of our lips, and as a result, they could
be out there doing an Elvis impersonation or pouting sexily without us having a
clue. This is why it's a good idea to have them Botoxed before you go on stage.
That way, no matter how strong your natural inclination to curl your upper lip
like a dog facing down a bad guy, your lips won't be doing anything you'll have
to explain later.
- Of course, what you say
can also have an impact on the outcome of the debate. For example, you should
never refer to your opponent as a "Scum-sucking, bottom-dwelling Neanderthal."
Refer to your opponent's tactics as those of a "Scum-sucking, bottom-dwelling
Neanderthal." The difference may seem slight, but it is important. Also, don't
"accidentally" call your candidate the wrong name. Governor Failin for example,
is just wrong, as is Senator Osama, Senator Old Guy, and Senator Really Old Guy
with Chronic Skin Cancer Issues.
- Practice words that
typically prove difficult for you to say, like "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad," "subprime mortgage fiasco," or "I'm really not
qualified for this job so I'm going back to hunting caribou and planning my
daughter's shotgun wedding."
- After the debate is over, smile, even if
thing did not go as well as you had hoped. If you hang your head, while shaking
it slightly from side to side, people will know that you know you sucked. They
don't want to know this. If they're you're voters, they want to think that you
think you won, so that they can continue to delude themselves long after the
debate is over. If you're sure you won, try to refrain from pumping your fist in
the air and declaring, "I kicked ass tonight." At least wait until you're in the
limo afterward.
Oh, and it also might help to know a little
something about the issues. But don't worry your pretty head about it too much.
Apparently we voters aren't capable of remembering anything substantive, but we
will remember what you wore and whether you overstayed the
handshake.
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Quirkee Voices 
(0 vote)
