 As the warm days of summer wind down, millions of people are spending
what little money they have left after gassing up the car on corn dogs and
elephant ears at county and state fairs. The people who run Weight Watchers are
probably giddy when they think about the new business that'll come waddling in
next month.
I myself spent eight hours at my local county fair trying to sell my new
book, Not Guilty by Reason of
Menopause. So instead of indulging in a sugar rush of cotton candy and
caramel apples (which I have to cut into bite size pieces so I don't pull off a
crown)... Instead of riding The Zipper and The Screamer until my back reminds me
that I'm an adult now and there's not enough ibuprofen in the world to make
whiplash worthwhile... Instead of petting sheep and goats and ponies oh my and
then washing my hands over and over like Monk to make sure I'm not harboring Mad
Pony Disease or Billy Goat Flu... Instead of any of those fun things, I spent all
day sitting on a hard plastic chair people-watching.
Which, come to think of it, may actually be the most exciting thing to do
at the fair.
If you are contemplating plunking down $10 bucks or so to check out the
quilts, peach preserves, and Journey cover band at a fair near you, you may be
wondering just what types of fashion are IN this year. After all, there's
nothing worse than overdressing for the ring toss. As a seasoned people-watcher
(I think the seasoning is chipotle pepper that spilled off someone's curly fries
as I chased them down trying to get them to buy my book), let me give you some
helpful advice on what to wear at the fair:
- Tube tops are popular again. Why, I have no clue. They were
horrible the first time around, back in the late 70s, and they're just as
horrible now. But this time, rather than just wear the tube top, you must wear a
halter top or bathing suit that ties behind your neck underneath. Me, I think a
tube top paired with a dickey would be equally as stylish, but what do I
know?.
- Short shorts will never go out of style, but this year, I
saw lots of people wearing shorts that come to almost the knee. This may work
for teens who have less fat on their thighs than most of us have on our elbows,
but it's not a good look for anyone else. The problem is thighs that rub
together tend to make the long shorts ride up in back. You won't believe how
hard I hard to work to suppress the urge to run after people and yank their
shorts down. And then sell them a book.
- Matching outfits are always a good bet at the fair. There's
mother-daughter cute outfits on moms in their twenties and daughters in
strollers. There's mother-daughter "what are you thinking?" outfits with moms in
their 70s and daughters in their 50s both wearing cat t-shirts and hats that say
"Meow." There's dad-son "disturbing" outfits with 30-something guys and 7-year
old boys in stained sleeveless undershirts and matching skull tattoos. And, my
favorite, husband-wife "divorce pending" matching camo outfits.
- Solid color from head to toe also seems to be quite trendy,
as both the 40-something woman in lime green from her hair to her Croc clogs and
the moody teenage boy dressed in head to toe black proved to the crowd. The
woman gave me a frog sticker that said "Be green" while the teenage boy gave me
a look that said, "My parents are locked in the trunk of the car."
- T-shirts with funny sayings are always a hit. My two
personal favorites: An octogenarian in a turquoise T that said "Whatever" and a
man with a hairy potbelly hanging out from a rip in the bottom of a t-shirt that
read, "I got this shirt for my 40th birthday. I hate this shirt!" So
much so that apparently he had never washed it. Or removed the lint from his
naval.
- And lest we forget the always popular accessory, the fanny
pack. No one wants to cart around a purse or a briefcase all day at the fair, so
the FP comes roaring back as the hot way to tote your money, ID, and Taser
(which believe me, you may need if you want to ever get to the front of the line
for your favorite ride). Let me say this about fanny packs - it you do wear one
and you are an overly-endowed woman, please wear a bra. You don't want to be
zipping a nipple up as you stash your change. I only mention it because I almost
saw it happen.
Now you know
just how to dress to fit in with your friends and neighbors at the fair. And if
you see a woman wearing pink flip flops and a miniature fan dangling from her
neck, running around with a stack of books, that's just me. I'm really less
dangerous than I look.
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