As the warm days of summer wind down, millions of people are spending what little money they have left after gassing up the car on corn dogs and elephant ears at county and state fairs. The people who run Weight Watchers are probably giddy when they think about the new business that'll come waddling in next month.

I myself spent eight hours at my local county fair trying to sell my new book, Not Guilty by Reason of Menopause. So instead of indulging in a sugar rush of cotton candy and caramel apples (which I have to cut into bite size pieces so I don't pull off a crown)... Instead of riding The Zipper and The Screamer until my back reminds me that I'm an adult now and there's not enough ibuprofen in the world to make whiplash worthwhile... Instead of petting sheep and goats and ponies oh my and then washing my hands over and over like Monk to make sure I'm not harboring Mad Pony Disease or Billy Goat Flu... Instead of any of those fun things, I spent all day sitting on a hard plastic chair people-watching.

Which, come to think of it, may actually be the most exciting thing to do at the fair.

• Tube tops are popular again. Why, I have no clue. They were horrible the first time around, back in the late 70s, and they're just as horrible now. But this time, rather than just wear the tube top, you must wear a halter top or bathing suit that ties behind your neck underneath. Me, I think a tube top paired with a dickey would be equally as stylish, but what do I know?.
• Short shorts will never go out of style, but this year, I saw lots of people wearing shorts that come to almost the knee. This may work for teens who have less fat on their thighs than most of us have on our elbows, but it's not a good look for anyone else. The problem is thighs that rub together tend to make the long shorts ride up in back. You won't believe how hard I hard to work to suppress the urge to run after people and yank their shorts down. And then sell them a book.
• Matching outfits are always a good bet at the fair. There's mother-daughter cute outfits on moms in their twenties and daughters in strollers. There's mother-daughter "what are you thinking?" outfits with moms in their 70s and daughters in their 50s both wearing cat t-shirts and hats that say "Meow." There's dad-son "disturbing" outfits with 30-something guys and 7-year old boys in stained sleeveless undershirts  and matching skull tattoos. And, my favorite, husband-wife "divorce pending" matching camo outfits.
• Solid color from head to toe also seems to be quite trendy, as both the 40-something woman in lime green from her hair to her Croc clogs and the moody teenage boy dressed in head to toe black proved to the crowd. The woman gave me a frog sticker that said "Be green" while the teenage boy gave me a look that said, "My parents are locked in the trunk of the car."
• T-shirts with funny sayings are always a hit. My two personal favorites: An octogenarian in a turquoise T that said "Whatever" and a man with a hairy potbelly hanging out from a rip in the bottom of a t-shirt that read, "I got this shirt for my 40^th birthday. I hate this shirt!" So much so that apparently he had never washed it. Or removed the lint from his naval.
• And lest we forget the always popular accessory, the fanny pack. No one wants to cart around a purse or a briefcase all day at the fair, so the FP comes roaring back as the hot way to tote your money, ID, and Taser (which believe me, you may need if you want to ever get to the front of the line for your favorite ride). Let me say this about fanny packs - it you do wear one and you are an overly-endowed woman, please wear a bra. You don't want to be zipping a nipple up as you stash your change. I only mention it because I almost saw it happen.

Now you know just how to dress to fit in with your friends and neighbors at the fair. And if you see a woman wearing pink flip flops and a miniature fan dangling from her neck, running around with a stack of books, that's just me. I'm really less dangerous than I look.

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