 When
my buddy asked me if I wanted to go to the Roller Derby, my first
thought was of an old Charlie's Angels rerun where the girls go
undercover at a corrupt roller-rink. That was
always one of my favorite episodes, so I was excited to finally get the
chance to see real Angels duking it out in person. Of course, what I actually witnessed at the Austin Convention Center was nothing like what I had seen on TV. On
TV, Farrah Fawcett kicked ass on the track and solved a murder to boot;
in real life, the Roller Derby is more like a burlesque show on wheels. I
knew I was in for an interesting evening when I saw a priest, a cowboy
and a tattooed boob before I even entered the Convention Center. And it didn't stop there.
"Dixie, you look like a slut!" came the high-pitched squeal from across the courtyard. "I am one," the Roller Derby's "Penalty Mistress" replied as she lit her cigarette and greeted her friend with a hug.
It was the kind of crowd that actually does
keep Austin weird, with characters ranging from Rockabillies with kids,
to Fred and Ethel from Pflugerville, Texas. They
had all come out on a Sunday evening to drink cold Lone Stars and watch
the Rhinestone Cowgirls try to hand the Holy Rollers their first loss
of the season. But as the Rollers entered the Center, I realized just
why they were undefeated. They were bigger, stronger, and from the
looks of their tattoos, more experienced
than anyone I had ever seen don a pair of skates. It was like a heard
of steroid-pumped Betty Page models had invaded the Convention Center.
The
Cowgirls, on the other hand, were made up of mostly rookies and came in
loose and fast, playing up to the crowd, as the drunks hooted and
hollered. Okay, so it was mostly just my buddy and me yelling, but
after 4 Lone Stars we were fired up, damn it! What made it even worse
was that we just couldn't figure out which team to cheer for. Should we
cheer for the undefeated team in the Catholic school girl outfits or
the underdogs in the cowgirl outfits? You talk about Sophie's Choice,
both teams had slutty outfits and both teams were from Texas. In
the end, we decided the only way to be fair was to cheer for the team
with the hottest chicks - the polar opposite of attending a WNBA Game.
Now for those of you who have never attended a Roller Derby, the
rules are simple: each
team has a jammer whose job it is to make her way around the track in
60 seconds, lapping as many of the opposing skaters as possible. It
sounds easy until you realize that the job of the rest of the skaters
is to kick the ass of anyone that tries to pass them. On the night I
went there were no serious injuries (on the track at least) but the
action was non-stop.
What makes the
Roller Derby such a fun event to attend has to be the fact that it
never takes itself too seriously. For
example, one of the things that give the show its flavor is its
announcers, with their deadpan delivery and off-the-cuff remarks.
They're like a cross between legendary game show host Chuck Woolery and
comedian Jeffery Ross. For
instance, one of my favorite lines of the night came right after one of
the girls had delivered a vicious hit and an announcer deadpanned,
"Wow, she really got the shit knocked out of her!" I mean just once,
I'd love to hear those word come out of John Madden's mouth on Monday
Night Football. The referees even got in on the
action, bantering with the girls and calling plenty of penalties, which
were an event on their own. When a skater got
whistled for a minor penalty, her punishment was not two minutes in the
penalty box (that was only for majors); but instead a date with the
Wheel of Destiny and the Penalty Mistress. The
Penalty Mistress would then spin the wheel and the skater would have to
endure whatever punishment the wheel landed on, kind of like when Mad
Max was exiled from Barter Town. Luckily
for the girls, there is no "Gulag" section on the Wheel of Destiny, but
there are Fly-Swatter Spankings, Log Jumps, Arm Wrestling, Tug-o-Wars,
and the fan favorite, the Pillow Fight! Two girls, two pillows and 30
seconds to knock each other senseless with goose-down goodness. Call
me crazy, but after watching 72 hours of the Olympics this week, I can
name a few sports off the top of my head, that would benefit from
Pillow Fights!
By
the fourth quarter, the Cowgirls were desperately holding on to a
three-point lead, and my buddy and I had enough Lone Star in us that
not only were the raunchiest girls starting to look attractive but
a forearm tattoo of a bikini-clad Sophia Loren didn't seem all that
crazy. I was having a blast, even though I still didn't totally
understand how the scoring system worked. What I did know, was that
Smarty Pants of the Rollers was a bad-ass. She scored at will all night
and even beat a girl at tug-o-war one-handed! Let's see Farrah Fawcett
do that. No matter how good Smarty was, a rookie named Kategory 5 stole
the show and led the Cowgirls to their first victory! Best
of all, my buddy was in love with a Rhinestone Cowgirl named Truck Stop
Trixie and a Holy Roller named Crucial Fix. And really, with names like
that, who could blame him?
Alas,
all good things must come to an end, and when the final horn sounded,
the Rhinestone Cowgirls had managed to hand the Holy Rollers their
first loss of the season. It was an exciting match, but the highlight
of the evening was by far the atmosphere in which the match took place.
From
the eclectic crowd that attended the match, to the hilarious announcers
that had a line for everything, to the hard work and pizzazz of the
skaters, who even after skating for two hours had to strike the set
once the match was over. Now that's what I call dedication. And to be
honest, I can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday night!
If you can think of a local sporting event that you'd like the Sports Junkie to write a column on just leave a note in the comments section!
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Sports Junkie 
