 When you make a living as a writer and comedian
(if by "living" you mean "as much money as you'd make selling wormy apples by
the side of the road"), people have lots of questions. Instead of answering them
personally by phone or e-mail, I've decided to take care of a whole batch in one
fell swoop and fill my weekly word quota for this column at the same time! If
you were a writer, you'd understand. Really, you would. (See, that was three
extra words! And that last sentence added six. It helps to have math
skills).
Here we go:
Where do you get your ideas? I get up
at 6:00 a.m. on trash day and sort through my neighbors' discarded mail and
bills. You'd be surprised how many wonderful topics for columns and sets you can
get that way, what with all the lingerie catalogs and National Rifle Association
literature. And on the rare occasion that I trip over their stack of tequila
bottles in the recycling bin and wake the family dog, I can always write off
both my ER bill and bail money as a business-related expense.
Is
it true that writers spend most of their time in their bathrobe and
slippers? Absolutely not, and I'm happy to be able to set the record
straight on this. I do not own a bathrobe. I am a hot-flashing woman and the
sauna effect that would be caused by wrapping terry cloth around my body would
not only possibly lead to a heat stroke, it could also short out my keyboard. My
typical writing attire consists of a swimsuit and flippers. I wear the flippers
to burn extra calories on the way to the pantry.
What
is your writing "process?" I prefer
to think that I have a writing "recess." Basically, I surround myself with
cheap funny stuff (yes, most of it is from China, but if you can find any cheap funny stuff
from the USA, feel free to send it to me!). In
this way I always have visual reminders that no matter how serious something may
seem at face value, a seven-year old could easily turn it into a joke that also
involves boogers and underwear. Right now, on my desk I have pirate and hula
dancer finger puppets (which come in handy when I have to pretend to be serious
on the phone), a pair of boxing bumblebees, a plastic Donkey from Shrek, a laser
pointer (which I flash across my desk and pounce on) and a fax machine from the
80s. Believe me, an 80s fax machine is hysterical.
Do
you have a set time at which you write every day? Yes. I write when I'm
awake. I almost never write while I'm asleep, but I do make exceptions for
nights I've had mango margaritas. I prefer to write in the morning because my
afternoons are spent wondering what's for dinner.
What
kinds of things are funny to you? I'm easy (despite what my high school
boyfriend thinks). Anything you might see on America's
Funniest Videos usually gets a giggle out of me. Especially if it involves
babies putting frogs in their diapers or cats falling asleep on a fish tank.
Personally, I think if we replaced the nightly news with funny YouTube videos,
the world would be a much better place.
Is
there anything that isn't funny to you? No. Yes. I mean no. Okay, my first ex
husband, he wasn't that funny. And hospital clowns named
Sparky.
When
you do stand-up comedy, what do you think when someone doesn't laugh at your
jokes? I think they've probably had a really hard day where their mother in
law, who they despise because she
doesn't remember their name and calls them Strumpet, has broken her hip and
their estranged husband came over to talk about how to afford her nursing home
and by the way, his psychotherapy isn't working, so do you know where he can get
some good drugs cheap? Then I realize that's my life and I look out at the
audience and realize that even if only one person is laughing that sure beats
the rest of my day to hell, so cool.
Who
has a better sense of humor, men or women? Men think they're funnier, women
laugh more at lame jokes, so I'm gonna go with women.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles. Until next
time, remember this: a good cliché at the end of an article can add an extra
5-10 words.
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Quirkee Voices 
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