When you make a living as a writer and comedian (if by "living" you mean "as much money as you'd make selling wormy apples by the side of the road"), people have lots of questions. Instead of answering them personally by phone or e-mail, I've decided to take care of a whole batch in one fell swoop and fill my weekly word quota for this column at the same time! If you were a writer, you'd understand. Really, you would. (See, that was three extra words! And that last sentence added six. It helps to have math skills).

Here we go:

Where do you get your ideas? I get up at 6:00 a.m. on trash day and sort through my neighbors' discarded mail and bills. You'd be surprised how many wonderful topics for columns and sets you can get that way, what with all the lingerie catalogs and National Rifle Association literature. And on the rare occasion that I trip over their stack of tequila bottles in the recycling bin and wake the family dog, I can always write off both my ER bill and bail money as a business-related expense.

What is your writing "process?" I prefer to think that I have a writing "recess." Basically, I surround myself with cheap funny stuff (yes, most of it is from China, but if you can find any cheap funny stuff from the USA, feel free to send it to me!). In this way I always have visual reminders that no matter how serious something may seem at face value, a seven-year old could easily turn it into a joke that also involves boogers and underwear. Right now, on my desk I have pirate and hula dancer finger puppets (which come in handy when I have to pretend to be serious on the phone), a pair of boxing bumblebees, a plastic Donkey from Shrek, a laser pointer (which I flash across my desk and pounce on) and a fax machine from the 80s. Believe me, an 80s fax machine is hysterical.

Do you have a set time at which you write every day? Yes. I write when I'm awake. I almost never write while I'm asleep, but I do make exceptions for nights I've had mango margaritas. I prefer to write in the morning because my afternoons are spent wondering what's for dinner.

What kinds of things are funny to you? I'm easy (despite what my high school boyfriend thinks). Anything you might see on America's Funniest Videos usually gets a giggle out of me. Especially if it involves babies putting frogs in their diapers or cats falling asleep on a fish tank. Personally, I think if we replaced the nightly news with funny YouTube videos, the world would be a much better place.

Is there anything that isn't funny to you? No. Yes. I mean no. Okay, my first ex husband, he wasn't that funny. And hospital clowns named Sparky.

When you do stand-up comedy, what do you think when someone doesn't laugh at your jokes? I think they've probably had a really hard day where their mother in law, who they despise because she doesn't remember their name and calls them Strumpet, has broken her hip and their estranged husband came over to talk about how to afford her nursing home and by the way, his psychotherapy isn't working, so do you know where he can get some good drugs cheap? Then I realize that's my life and I look out at the audience and realize that even if only one person is laughing that sure beats the rest of my day to hell, so cool.

Who has a better sense of humor, men or women? Men think they're funnier, women laugh more at lame jokes, so I'm gonna go with women.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles. Until next time, remember this: a good cliché at the end of an article can add an extra 5-10 words.

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