Quirkee.com - How to Get Ahead in Business

You are here: Home

Quirkee Voices

Great Indoors

How to Get Ahead in Business

Written by Eric Broder

Thursday, 14 August 2008

A question people seldom ask me is "How did you get on the fast track to success?" They don't ask me anything about success. They think because I don't wear suits or have my hair cut by professionals they can't learn anything from me.

Well, I got news for those people who think I'm a clod who doesn't have any good fast-track or pursuit-of-excellence or megatrends talk. The talk I do have is better. I've got better ways to get ahead than all those management monkeys in their fancy underwear. And I'll share it with you. No seminars, no fees, no hidden costs. No charge.

The most important thing to remember in moving up the corporate ladder is to Always Let Them See You Sweat. You've heard just the opposite, right? Well, that's Fallacy Number One. Common sense dictates that the more you look like you're busting your hump for the company, the further you'll go. "I do work hard," you say, "but the boss doesn't seem to notice. I feel like the myth of Sisyphus here, pushing a heavy rock up a hill and then the boss pushes it back down and I have to start over."

You've got to do what I do. How's the boss going to know that you're working hard unless you make it crystal clear by every word you utter, every move you make, every expression that crosses your face? You've got to show him or her that you're sacrificing your health and peace of mind for the good of the company. When my boss asks me to do something, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is "Oh God, oh God." It doesn't matter what task he asks me to perform. Whether he asks me to run to the post office for stamps or go get some copies made, I respond with a gasp and a few moments of pre-heart-attack-type labored breathing. Then the simple, tortured eloquence of "You want me to go?" This tells the boss one thing: that you're getting ready to fall on your sword for the company. (Then throw in a few more minutes of gasping and breathing before saying, "I'll carry the ball for you on this one, boss.") Believe me, this stuff is remembered at promotion time.

While you're working at your desk, make sure everyone around you knows it. This best can be conveyed by the classic technique of chanting "work, work, work" or "busy, busy, busy" every five minutes or so. (Frequent sighing punctuates these work mantras nicely.) Other statements to let fly during the workday: "All right, what's next on the agenda!"; "I'm a busy, busy executive"; "Let's see here, let's see here"; "I'll handle it - as usual"; "What do these people want from my life?" (a personal favorite); "Let's get organized, let's get organized"; "These people are trying to kill me"; and its variation "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." If you pepper your day with these phrases, no one is going to think you're fooling around, even if you are. I myself toss off a few of these while sitting at my desk reading People or the sports page, giving the illusion of perpetual labor. (An added bonus: if the boss thinks you're busy, he or she may not ask you to do anything else.)

What cannot be overstressed as well is the value of sucking up to the boss. I give speeches to my co-workers like this, within the boss's earshot: "Now the boss told me personally that you all aren't giving it 110% and that there could be some drastic changes around here if you don't shape up. Believe me, I'd hate to see any of you get fired, but I think if we work together on this we can turn this thing around and . . . let me get that for you, boss!" And then I run over to the boss and help him lift his coffee cup to his lips or move his chair, whatever I can do to be helpful. Not only have I helped him, he's heard me give the rest of the staff a needed pep talk, which also lightens his load. Sure, your co-workers may build up a resentment toward you, but are they the ones signing your weekly checks? They don't have to love you.

You mix up the martyrdom technique with sucking up and I guarantee you there will be no stopping your climb to the top. I guarantee it.