A friend of mine recently got Wii^TM. Don't worry, it's not terminal.

Okay, you haven't been living with a family of technophobes under a rock for the past five years and you know that Wii^TM is an interactive videogame that is only slightly less popular than Barack Obama. In fact, I hear that the Wii^TM people are planning a new game that simulates voting and tells you how many calories you burn every time you pull the lever. (Don't you just love the little ^TM ? I'm going to start including^TM on everything, including my name^TM just so I feel important^TM.)

But before we could get out on the court or knock down a few pins, we had to play Dance Dance Revolution. Apparently, her house, her rules. Whatever.

Now I've seen kids dancing - if you call stomping and occasionally tossing in a John Travolta move (from Saturday Night Fever, not Wild Hogs) "dancing" - to Dance Dance Revolution at a local video arcade. Needless to say, I had some preconceptions about the game: 1) I would suck at it, 2) I would suck at it while listening to music that could possibly cause blood to rush out from my ears, and 3) I would suck at it and on the ride in the ambulance I would have to explain that I had sprained my ankle and developed a brain aneurism while playing a videogame. In other words, I was enthusiastically looking forward to my chance to stomp my feet and toss my arms up on a small plastic mat with big arrows on it while a voice screamed above the music, "You're not concentrating! Pay attention!"

And all of this was before I read the instruction manual. Never, ever, read the safety information and warnings if you want to enjoy anything. Really, I mean it. Follow the example of die-hard cigarette smokers - they know that too much information may not kill you, but it will definitely ruin a bad habit for life.

Right there on page 1 was this lovely warning: "To reduce the likelihood of a seizure when playing the video game..." Wow, the chance of seizing is so great, they had to include a warning? It went on: "About 1 in 4000 people may have seizures or blackouts triggered by light flashes or patterns, and this may occur while they are watching TV or playing video games, even if they have never had a seizure before." If all it takes is watching TV, why don't we see this warning on Sesame Street or Nancy Grace (the latter could definitely lead to seizures).

I was scared, but hey, there's a risk in everything right? And I figured I survived disco in the 80s, so I should be good to go.

But then, on page 5, were more warnings (my suggested additions are in italics)

• Anyone who has had a seizure, loss of awareness, or other symptoms linked to an epileptic condition, should consult a doctor before playing a video game. Anyone who has spaced out during a boring lecture or faked Tourette's Syndrome to get out of a date should be okay, but it wouldn't hurt to check your horoscope first.
• Persons who have heart and respiratory problems or physical impairments (such as, but not limited to, back, joint, foot, musculature, and circulatory problems) that limit physical activity, are pregnant, or have been advised by their physicians to limit their physical activity or have recently consulted a chiropractor or are dating a chiropractor or have a paper cut that hasn't completely healed or have ever stubbed a toe should not use this device.
• Persons under the influence of alcohol or drugs that could impair a person's sense of balance should not use this device. Persons under the influence of drugs that cause nausea, vomiting, or a 4-hour erection should be careful and perhaps check with their insurance company to see if they'll be covered should an injury occur.

Just to be safe, the Wii^TM people (I imagine they're kind of like Keebler elves, but clean-shaven and wearing tiny little pocket protectors) suggest taking 10-15 minute breaks every hour, standing as far away from the screen as possible, playing in a well-lit room, and watching on the smallest TV screen available. Having tried Dance Dance Revolution myself with no ill consequences, I also recommend staring at the mat more than at the screen, having at least two dogs running across your feet as a distraction, and attempting to breast-feed a baby while following along (that was my friend's approach, at least. I was unwilling to try it, despite my fears.) Better yet, pick up a paper and find somewhere in town where a live band is playing and just go dancing. The chance of seizure is low and usually no one will boo you.

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