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This Year's Swimsuit Season Called Off

Written by Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant

Thursday, 17 July 2008

Finally the government has done something right. Due to a sharp decline in the number of people with "bathing suit bodies," the FCC (Fashion Crime Commission) has called off this year's swimsuit season. According to a size 14 spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous, "There's a distinct chance that the size 0-2 woman, for whom the average swimsuit is typically designed, may be facing extinction. And although we can't pinpoint a single factor, it does appear that 40 oz. triple caramel lattes and bagels the size of Volkswagen Beetles may be partially to blame. It is our hope that by allowing Americans to sit out this swimsuit season and giving them an extra year to get in shape, we can turn those numbers around before the end of the decade. "

I am personally thrilled with the news! Not just from a personal perspective either. Just think of all the energy we can save this summer by not sucking in our stomachs for hours and spending days trying to dig too small swimsuit bottoms out from locations they shouldn't be in the first place. Not to mention how much we can reduce foreign oil imports by foregoing slathering ourselves with sunscreen and not having to apply Vaseline to our inner thighs to keep them from singing like crickets as we walk along the beach hoping no one we know spots us.

Now perhaps you are between the ages of 17-21 and actually look good in a two-piece made from dental floss and dryer lint. And perhaps you're thinking, "Hey, how am I supposed to show off these toned abs that I've spent 14 hours a day doing crunches for?" I feel for you. Really, I do (somewhere down deep. My pancreas, maybe). But let me offer you this condolence - by banning swimsuits from beaches, lakes, boardwalks, country clubs, zoos, baseball games, grocery stores, parking lots, lawyers' offices, PTA meetings, weddings, etc., you won't be traumatized by getting a glimpse of your future when you take a gander at the rest of us who really, really should (and want to) stay covered up all year ‘round. Muffin tops, spare tires, thunder thighs, socks filled with nickels, butterfly tattoos that have metamorphosed into scary monster faces due to the effects of gravity... these are just a few of the sights no one should have to see. Not even in the mirror at home. Which is why I usually shower in a blindfold. It does wonders for my self esteem.

And if this is the way I - a size 8 most days and without any extra skin hanging down around my knees after stomach stapling or a scar running down my midsection from open heart surgery - feel, I can't imagine the horror people who are heavier and older than I face when the days start to get longer and hotter and lakeside vacations and water skiing and days lounging by the pool loom ahead. It's no wonder all we have Post Traumatic Swimsuit Disorder.

And lets face it, no matter how much the swimsuit industry would like us to believe that this year's miracle fabric can "makes your tummy disappear and takes 15 pounds off your derriere," there are no such miracles. Fat that disappears from somewhere is going to spill out somewhere else, according to the laws of physics (the only laws I always obey). If your butt and stomach are flat, but there's 15 pounds of skin and fat flapping around under your arm pits, this is not attractive. Perhaps if designers would come up with a swimsuit made out of tiny little mirrors that reflect light like a disco ball and keep anyone from looking directly at us, that might work. Or a suit that has a digital chip imbedded in it that flashes subliminal messages like "Tell the wearer of this suit she's hot and sexy." That'd be good too.

But until technology catches up with us (which should be easy to do since we're not moving as quickly as we used to), let's just sit this one out. Don't worry about the fact that your 6-pack abs are now looking more like a keg. Stop being paranoid that something is following you and you think it's your back fat. Just put on your baggy t-shirt and Capri pants and save yourself the stress. After all you've got a whole year to get in shape. Lattes and bagels all around!