Not to jinx anything, but it appears that I've finally encountered viable employment here on the West coast.

After months embroiled in a finance- and morale-sapping job search, I can say with due humility and not a little disbelief that I now have an office to report to in the morning, co-workers who know my name and invite me out to the usual lunch joint, and... a business card.

In what world do I have a business card? This feels like I've been propelled into an alternate universe. And that's not the only thing that's changed.

To lend some context, I should mention that my employment history thus far has been - how do you say - unconventional.

Few, if any, of the above jobs required traditional office protocol. In fact, in the military office, I'd say I expanded my use of curse words, just to interact with my co-workers in the most effective manner. ("Get me the f***** expense report, scum bag!") In the restaurant world, similarly offensive language, playful sexual harassment, and long afternoons drinking at the same bar you'd just finished serving simply go with the territory. Builds camaraderie.

But now, so far as I can tell, I'm in a grown-up job. I'll say it again: Things have changed.

Fortuitously, Xeroxed manuals labeled Policies & Procedures and Best Practices exist in such offices for clarification of how to not screw up at your job. I find myself wanting to refer to them on a daily basis. My copies are becoming dog-eared and discolored after just a few weeks on the job.

I flip through them, wondering, Is it okay to affectionately refer to your colleague as beefy if you've worked together for four whole days and have a really good rapport? Isn't that just witty banter?

What about sunglasses? Exactly what in the dress code prohibits wearing sunglasses at my work station (see, I'm catching on), and why?

Is it acceptable to mumble hrmphff instead of Good morning? After all, aren't we all one big dysfunctional family here?

Why doesn't anybody give long, lingering hugs or play Truth or Dare between board meetings? Do we need a team-building activity to get things rolling?

On slow days, do we get to go outside and play hackey-sack?

For now, I'm keeping a low profile. But once I'm really established, really dug-in, I'll be extending a helping hand to the HR department. I don't know who's currently in charge of these manuals, but they're less than comprehensive. More than a little out-dated. And I'm just the girl to write the revisions.

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