 Not to jinx anything, but it appears that I've finally encountered viable employment here on the West coast.
After months embroiled in a finance- and morale-sapping job search, I can say with due humility and not a little disbelief that I now have an office to report to in the morning, co-workers who know my name and invite me out to the usual lunch joint, and... a business card.
In what world do I have a business card? This feels like I've been propelled into an alternate universe. And that's not the only thing that's changed.
To lend some context, I should mention that my employment history thus far has been - how do you say - unconventional.
Since graduating from college, I've waited tables, taught piano
lessons, tutored Spanish, worked in an office staffed almost entirely
by ex-military men, worked in a bakery, written for a daily newspaper,
and served cocktails on Sunday mornings to all the jonesing
church-goers and hung-over Austinites who trickled in at 11 a.m. on the
dot for a strong margarita and a Bloody Mary on deck. That's the
abbreviated version.
Few, if any, of the above jobs required traditional office protocol. In fact, in the military office, I'd say I expanded
my use of curse words, just to interact with my co-workers in the most
effective manner. ("Get me the f***** expense report, scum bag!") In
the restaurant world, similarly offensive language, playful sexual
harassment, and long afternoons drinking at the same bar you'd just
finished serving simply go with the territory. Builds camaraderie.
But now, so far as I can tell, I'm in a grown-up job. I'll say it again: Things have changed.
Fortuitously, Xeroxed manuals labeled Policies & Procedures and Best Practices exist in such offices for clarification of how to not screw
up at your job. I find myself wanting to refer to them on a daily
basis. My copies are becoming dog-eared and discolored after just a few
weeks on the job.
I flip through them, wondering, Is it okay to affectionately refer to your colleague as dumbass if
you've worked together for four whole days and have a really good
rapport? That couldn't be taken as offensive, right? Isn't that just
witty banter?
What about the word whore? That's a benign word, right? Totally appropriate for comic relief?
Is it acceptable to mumble I'm hungover instead of Good morning? After all, aren't we all one big dysfunctional family here?
Why doesn't anybody give long, lingering hugs or grab ass or, for
that matter, hit on the client? Do we need a team-building activity to
get things rolling?
On slow days, do we get to go outside and play hackey-sack?
For now, I'm keeping a low profile. But once I'm really established,
really dug-in, I'll be extending a helping hand to the HR department.
Because I don't know who's currently in charge of these manuals, but
they're less than comprehensive. More than a little out-dated. And I'm
just the girl to write the revisions.
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