| Written by JR Brow,
on 07-10-2008
|
Views : 1470  |
 GTMO - 5 DAYS IN CUBA - DAY ONE
NAME: JR BROW
POSITION TITLE: ENTERTAINER GS-11
DUTY STATION: MORALE, WELFARE AND RECREATION DEPT.
ORGANIZATIONAL ELEMENT: SUPPORT SERVICES
TDY PURPOSE: 4th JULY ENTERTAINMENT
WARNING: The following story will self-destruct in exactly 5 minutes, starting NOW:
DISCLAIMER: Following all the wild rumors of a base closure, I have been reminded numerous times that anything that I type from GTMO U.S. Naval Base will be read, filtered, edited, confiscated and/or used against me in a court of law, if necessary. I make digital agreements like these on a daily basis, if I want to send my wife emails from the Liberty Center Recreation Lounge. We four comics are deployed to this notorious Naval Base to perform exactly "Three :90 Minute Comedy Routines" in and around GTMO. The shows are designed to boost morale on base, since it has been reaching new lows lately (due to that nasty ol' Habeas Corpus thing our country's forefathers invented).
To Whom It May Concern:
I am safe and sound here in Guantanamo Bay U.S. Naval Station. Our
living quarters are quite nice, and our surroundings are reminiscent of
the standard modern facilities offered to families on all medium size
U.S. military bases that I've visited around the world. The service
members all treat us with utmost respect. They are friendly, and
address us with "Sir." However, I suspect that once the sun goes down,
most of these wolves will shed their fleece down at the Goat Locker.
That's the actual name of a bar for the non-commissioned officers here.
The Navy affectionately refers to its veteran chief petty officers as
‘old goats', so what better way to corral all the goats on GTMO, than
to lock them up?
TRUE GITMO-ISM #1
The Pizza Hut is closed until the next barge comes in! See? The media
only tells you what it wants you to hear. Yeah, that's right, because
the next Barge has all the dough, and it comes in on Saturday. So if
you want a pizza, you'd better get a DiGiorno's from the Naval
Exchange, or wait till the next barge. Which comes in on Saturday. But
you'd better hurry, because I hear that the commissary is now running
low on DiGiorno's, and those won't be in until NEXT Tuesday!
I learned that down in GTMO, supplies went fast. If Pizza Hut was out
of dough, it sent everyone home. Conversely, if KFC ran out of chicken,
they'd stay open to serve cole slaw, corn and biscuits. That was the
first time I'd ever been to a coffee shop that said, "We Probably Serve
Starbucks!" Taco Bell held out the longest. It was the rock star of the
fast food trio. It stood alone. But when it finally ran out of chicken,
employees hung a "SOLD OUT", sign on the marquee. Chicken at the GTMO
Taco Bell sold out faster than Police Reunion concert tickets in Miami.
The first night we performed at (you might have guessed) the Goat
Locker. A fifty seater at best, but equipped with only thirty chairs.
It was fifteen minutes to show time, they still weren't half full. Most
people would worry, but not the bartender. He was happy serving sixteen
people. But in a matter of five minutes, all the empty seats were gone.
Several bands were on tour with us in Cuba, and they all came together,
so 12 more people showed up and at once we were doubled. The crowd kept
growing, too. It was wall to wall, and by the show's beginning, we were
rockin' in the free world, inside of a communist country.
Patrick Deguire, our host, agent, fellow GS-11, and MC went up first,
and for what it's worth, Patrick has been to GTMO 4 times already. Was
he crazy, or what? His position was that he loved performing for the
troops. This guy has been to Iraq, done comedy on platforms in the
middle of the desert, just to try and lift these guys' spirits enough
to get them through the day. And if it weren't for all those "F" bombs,
he might have actually had a point up there! Seriously though, the
crowd loved him.
Patrick brought up the next comic. Atlanta favorite, Mike Speenberg
took to the stage and woke them up. With nary a microphone an' a stand
that was sittin' out in the middle of the Goat Locker's dance floor,
Speen stood there confidently delivering his punch lines. Why, Mike
actually took at a jab at the Commander In Chief! He said, "Hey, I
might be sayin' it, but you're thinkin' it," and everybody appreciated
that tremendously. They also loved his Big Wheel Chopper t-shirt.
I went up third and had such an awesome time, and exited the stage with
a big, "I don't need y'all, I clap for my damn self!" Headliner, Scotty
K. was next. He had heard it wasn't easy to follow me. He was initially
afraid of my closing bit! I saw him pace back and forth before Patrick
brought him up. As soon as his name was announced, and with almost a
leap, he sprung on stage with a strong opening, fumbled around for
awhile, but focused and found them again with his closing bit! I have
to say, bottom of my heart, Scotty K. was one of the funniest comics
(with sound cues) I'd ever seen. Later that night, I learned what the K
in his name stood for. However, if I told you I'd have to kill you.
TO BE CONTINUED...........
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