 My neighbor built me a birdfeeder in about five minutes flat. He's
65, been doing it for years, has all the proper tools and most of his fingers,
etc. Naturally, I figured I could attach the feeder to the post I already had in
only three or four times his speed. After all, I do watch Home & Garden TV.
A LOT.
Of course, those shows are heavily edited. So in the interest of full
disclosure, let me tell you what it took for me to attach my new birdfeeder
(which is just lovely, by the way, thank you Vern) to my post.
1.
Gather up the proper tools. I figured on my Rubbermaid stepstool, a
screwdriver, the power drill, some drill bits and some screws.
2.
Place birdfeeder on crossbeam of post.
3.
Discover that feeder will not fit on crossbeam unless two inches are
removed from each end. Curse quietly.
4.
Go to shed to get saw.
5.
Go to house to get keys to shed.
6.
Open shed, get saw, saw off crossbeam, place birdfeeder on crossbeam of
post.
7.
Insert appropriately-sized drill bit into drill.
8.
Press button, observe nothing happening. Curse slightly more loudly,
hoping neighbors aren't within earshot, especially the preacher who lives on
other side of creek.
9.
Return all supplies to shed in case of rain, plug drill battery into wall
and wait 24 hours for it to charge.
10. Repeats
steps 1, 2, and 7. Notice drill dying after three slow rotations.
11. Call
neighbor and ask to borrow her drill. Walk to her house to get it. Have cookie
while there. Leave before she notices cookie missing from cooling rack.
12. Fumble with
her drill trying to insert bit, which does not work like yours. Give up on that
and decide the wood is soft and you can just use the screwdriver function.
13. Insert
first screw in base of birdfeeder. Observe that you cannot get drill under roof
of birdfeeder. Curse loudly, hoping neighbors hear and avoid home projects of
your own.
14. Screw screw
in by hand.
15. Strip
screw.
16. Go to
kitchen for a wine cooler. Notice nice buzz and be grateful.
17. Get hammer,
some nails, and reading glasses so you can actually see what you're doing out
there.
18. Stop
working on stripped screw and try another, this time from the outside in.
Realize that the one screwdriver attachment to neighbor's drill is too small to
work with the large screw you are using. Add new words to your vocabulary of
profanity. Wonder if you could get a gig on Comedy Central now that you are
working dirty.
19. Pull out
screwdriver and attempt to screw in by hand, despite brace on right wrist. Hope
orthopedist can't tell from x-rays what you've been up to.
20. Strip
second screw.
21. Notice that
these screws (unsure whether they're "wood" screws or "metal" screws as all
screws are made of metal and this terms don't actually make sense) have a
hexagonal head.
22. Get
brilliant idea.
23. Go into
garage for those thingies that fit over hexagonal-headed things.
24. Return to
project. After 8 attempts, place appropriately-sized hexagonal headed thingy
(HHT) over hexagonal-headed screw (HHS).
25. Start
screwing. It works, by jove!
26. Get so
excited, HHT flies out of hands in bushes.
27. Shout new
Russian and Sanskrit curse words you didn't know you knew.
29. Search for
HHT in bushes, being careful not to step in nearby dog poop.
30. Find stick
to remove unseen dog poop from bottom of shoe.
31. Find HHT
while searching for stick.
32. Finish
screwing in two screws and put in four more.
33. Notice that
post is wobbly and it seems to be coming from the base.
34. Check it
out. Find that concrete has chipped away and no longer holds post firmly.
35. Go to shed
and get concrete, pour some in the hole, add water from hose and mix with
poop-removing stick.
36. Let set
overnight.
37
Return next morning to check to see if concrete has set; remarkably, it
has. Notice neighbor's drill bit attachment imbedded in concrete.
38. Chip it out
with hammer and left over screw.
39. Notice
there's still a wobble.
40. Go to
garage for really long nails (perhaps this is where the band, Nine Inch Nails,
got their name.)
41. Hammer
nails in to post randomly in an attempt to stop wobbling, operating on the "It
couldn't hurt" principle.
42. Declare
your project completed.
43. Return all
tools to their various spots.
44. Apologize
to neighbor for dents in her drill bit attachment and missing cookie. Also for
cursing.
45. Return home
and have a victory drink.
46. Look out
window and notice bird feeder is at a 20 degree angle.
47. Fix problem
by tilting head correspondingly and drinking heavily.
Related Articles
|
Quirkee Voices 
(0 vote)
