 Going into this long holiday weekend, I realized that the 4th of July
did not revolve around mothers. Why not? You can keep Mother's Day. I
want no part of a holiday where I have to remind my kids to buy me a
card. I shun the crowds at the Mother's Day brunches. "Hey, Mom, sorry
about giving you a ten hour labor, getting my front teeth knocked out
the day after my braces were paid for, ruining your figure and sapping
the vitality you once had. Here's your complimentary mimosa."
I really don't want to make it that easy for my kids. They think they
can just throw some carnations at me and pay me off? No way! Mothers
deserve more than that!
We need some real holidays that Moms celebrate with one another, in our
own way. I propose these holidays to Hallmark and calendar makers
everywhere:
First Day of School Solstice/Festivus
This wonderful day is celebrated in the early autumn, once a year.
Mothers everywhere prepare for weeks, getting their children haircuts
and buying them shoes that will be outgrown by the time school starts.
The high point of the holiday comes after the children board the school
bus on the first day of school. Immediately after the busses are out of
sight, conga lines form in neighborhoods across the country. Hooting and
hollering while doing Daffy Duck-like handsprings, the mothers then
commence building the ritual bonfire. Into the fire go the moldy slip
and slides, the town pool badges, bottles of SPF 45 sunscreen and the
summer playground program's weekly activity schedule. The festivities
are capped off in the evening by the annual "Filling Out of the School
Forms" bacchanal and the happy realization that swimsuit season is over
for another year.
529 Day
This holiday is celebrated the day you open a college savings plan for
your child. It's a day of reflection about the passing of time and
about the price of knowledge. Usually this day is observed by the
wearing of the black, the gnashing of the teeth, and of course the
renting of the garments upon realizing you could save 100 percent of
the entire household income over the next ten years and still not have
nearly enough to put three children through college.
Scholarship Day
Traditionally celebrated on the day following 529 Day, this pagan
ceremony is an appeal to the gods of Scholarship. In hopes that the
Gods favor their children and give their households a financial break,
mothers build sacrificial altars made from old report cards, outdated
preschool paintings with gold stars stuck on them, and
graduation-themed party good decorations from the dollar store. Some
families go even further by wearing symbolic barrels, rearranging their
kids' bedrooms so the beds face towards Harvard, and flogging their
financial advisors with old tax returns. This tradition is thought to
date back to the Druids, who beat their children with elk antlers if
they screwed up on their SATs.
The Battle of the Working Mothers and The Stay-at-Homes
This ongoing, unsolvable debate only served to pit mothers against
mothers every day of the year. So someone finally came up with the idea
to have just ONE day a year where the two sides can have at it. This
frees up the other 364 days so everyone can just shut the hell up about
it already and get dinner started. Every year on the day after Labor
Day, chosen for its obvious symbolism, working moms line up on one side
of the local elementary school parking lot, and SAHMs line up on the
other side. Their faces painted like so many extras from Braveheart,
the mothers run towards each other, screaming an ungodly combination of
a rebel yell and a Bollywood musical soundtrack. The Workies throw their
Blackberries at the SAHMs and pummel them with expensive shoes and
symbolic juggling balls. The SAHMs fight back with custom scrapbooks,
overcooked homemade brownies and Keds. The referees are mothers who
have been on both sides of the parking lot, and roll their eyes a lot
at the whole mess.The kids, on the other hand, have no interest in the
outcome. They just want another juice box as soon as the smoke clears.
The Chanting of the NO
A very spiritual holiday, celebrating the day a threshold is crossed
and new wisdom gained. With the chanting of "NO" the mother gains
personal power. Date varies. It is usually observed the first time a
mother says NO to a request to volunteer at the preschool or co-chair
the neighborhood block party committee. Observation rituals vary and
are personal. But sometimes the whole thing backfires and any
satisfaction gained is replaced by guilt and exclusion from the next
Pampered Chef party invite list. Related holidays celebrating forms of
emancipation are Fallen Arches Day (the first time you realize you can
buy your kids Payless Shoes and they won't die), and St. Cheapo's Day
(when you stop buying needlessly expensive baby gear and go with the
perfectly serviceable K-Mart umbrella stroller).
Invisibility Day
This interesting holiday occurs on different days for different moms,
but every mom will be able to celebrate it at some point. Invisibility
Day happens the first time you realize you are embarrassing your
children simply by existing on the same planet that they do. It also can
be celebrated on the first day your preteen ditches you to hang with
his friends (after asking you to hold his jacket and for money as
well), and then pretends he doesn't know you if you talk to him. You've
become invisible, which then begs the question, "What does this mean
for me if I am invisible?" The response varies from mother to mother.
Some mothers celebrate ID by subscribing to More magazine and
"reinventing" themselves. Other moms take up smoking, cussing or other
vices because they feel they are freed from having to set a good
example, now that they are invisible. Whatever you choose to do, enjoy
it! You don't exist anymore anyway, so what the hell?
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Quirkee Voices 
(0 vote)
