 Contrary to the social myths that “motherhood is natural” and “woman are instinctively good caregivers” is my opinion that being a mother is anything BUT natural for many of us. In fact, there is so much to learn by experience, and it’s hard, damnit. In technical terms? It’s SuperDuper-Effin-McHard-N-Stuff.
I don’t know about you, but it has always seemed to me that the prevailing, socially accepted idea about Motherhood (yes, that requires a big “M”) from back in the day is that it is a station in life that naturally unfolds for a woman after she has forced a tiny human through her vagina. As though becoming MOTHER is effortless, and we just receive this set of characteristics passively.
After the nurses clean up the baby, a representative of the High Authority of Motherhood comes to the woman’s side:
[gesturing towards the newborn] “Excuse me, Madame. It appears as though this small being’s head just passed through your vaginal canal – is that correct?”
“Why yes, yes it is!”
“Excellent! Let us now present you with this Official Document of Motherhood.”
“Thank you!”
[insert cheesy music and fake smiles]
Or, perhaps it is thought that, at some time during labor, amidst the screaming, sweating, begging for the sweet release of death (what, just me?), and grunting like an animal, this magical gift is bestowed upon us from above. Someone should document it with video. I’ll bet there’s an actual moment that can be pinpointed where one sees the Angel Dust actually being sprinkled from heaven right into the woman’s brain.
Hm. Neither of those really seem right, do they? Not because they’re ridiculous, mind you, but there’s the matter of mothers who gave birth via C-Section, and also the fact that, as everyone knows, Angle Dust doesn’t really exist (Fairy Dust, on the other hand, is 100% Completely Real. And it makes you fly).
So, anyway. I have another idea on how we are thought to so easily become great mothers.
Motherhood: it’s an inherited trait. Yes, Genes! Passed on from one woman to another! (Men are just carriers of the MOM Gene, the MOM traits are not expressed in them.) We are not aware of this gene while we are busy living our childless lives, carefree and able to do such amazing things as take more than 2 showers a week, sleep through the night, and have a moment’s thought to ourselves! While we selfishly sleep in as late as even 9am (sinful!) and dare to use the bathroom by ourselves, this gene is quiet and still within us. The gene lies dormant until a woman hears the special cry of a newborn human within which her own DNA is mingling with another’s. Then it is instantaneously activated.
She becomes – MOTHER.
In a flash, she has the innate ability to figure out/accomplish:
- Getting the little beast to feed properly.
- How to take care of another human being on 2.5 minutes of sleep a day.
- Perfection in diaper changes (NO LEAKS).
- What will take projectile poop stains out of carpet.
- Exactly what pitch of cry means “I might be dying” vs. “I’m a TOTAL FAKER.”
- The perfect diet for a finicky toddler.
- How to keep her stress level low enough that she does not strangle her partner*.
- Which television programs aren’t just toddler brain rot.
- When to use the duct tape for things other than boxes.
- How to defuse a tantrum without resorting to threats and/or bribery.
- Which activities will be both pleasing to a child as well as educationally stimulating, while not being so inane and boring that she wants to hold her head under water until everything seems to glow rainbow colors and the little pixies are singing to her...
And so much more!
[*daydreaming about it doesn’t count]
Seriously, who the HELL ever thought being a mother was something that just comes naturally to one? I’d like to find out. I have a serious bone to pick with that moron. A punch in the face is not out of the question, either.
The idea that we should all just fall into this natural rhythm with no bumps in the proverbial road is ridiculous, really. How many women have cried in frustration within their homes, worried endlessly about the choices they’re making while locked into their bathrooms, and screamed into pillows in order not to have a complete mental breakdown? How many of us have, at least once (and more likely multiple times), felt like we were failures because we could not live up to the ideal of MAGIC MOTHER?
This gig is like no other. If you don’t like your clients, you can’t just resign. The pay is dismal, the hours are murder. The boss is unforgiving, and the benefits? Well, crayon drawings, sloppy kisses, and smashed flowers are delightful, but they’re not going to pay for the cast on that broken leg. (Ok, ok. My sappy side demands that I tell you that crayon drawings, sloppy kisses, and smashed flowers really do = the best job on earth. But right now, that’s not the point, eh?)
The point is, we’re in it to win it, and there’s no turning back. I mean, this isn’t a jigsaw puzzle. If you lose some of the pieces, you can’t just put the whole thing back in the box. Pun intended. That kid will not be fitting back into Mom’s vagina, ladies and gentlemen.
It’s high time that mothers spoke up and told the truth about what it’s really like to be responsible for the nurturing, guiding, shaping, and development of another human being. That’s what I love about the Mommy-Blogger Revolution. More and more, woman are stepping forward, all different kinds of women, lots of them, and they’re saying the same thing: It’s not easy being a mom. Every single day is a learning experience, and you have to work your ass off to make things right by your kids. It can squeeze out every last drop of “you” that you have.
That being said, it’s also the most amazing, rewarding, life changing experience you will ever have the distinct privilege to complete. And somewhere along the way, I just know that we’ll look back on the days of their childhood and see that it really did all seem to come from within, somehow magically, right? Yeah - because we pushed, sweat, and grunted it out every second of every day. And we did it. We made mostly good choices and sent a decent human being out into the world.
Though it may have been hard, it was worth it, and we were good Mothers, we will realize.
Now excuse me. I have to go let my toddler out of the living room closet. He’s probably gnawed at least half-way through the duct tape by now. I really must soundproof that closet...
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Quirkee Voices 
I winged it day by day with my first one, the rest were easier because I kinda sorta had some idea what to do and when to do it. they're all grown now and two of them have their own children so I guess I did okay. 
