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Contrary to the social myths that “motherhood is natural” and “woman are instinctively good caregivers” is my opinion that being a mother is anything BUT natural for many of us. In fact, there is so much to learn by experience, and it’s hard, damnit. In technical terms? It’s SuperDuper-Effin-McHard-N-Stuff.

I don’t know about you, but it has always seemed to me that the prevailing, socially accepted idea about Motherhood (yes, that requires a big “M”) from back in the day is that it is a station in life that naturally unfolds for a woman after she has forced a tiny human through her vagina. As though becoming MOTHER is effortless, and we just receive this set of characteristics passively.

After the nurses clean up the baby, a representative of the High Authority of Motherhood comes to the woman’s side:

[gesturing towards the newborn] “Excuse me, Madame. It appears as though this small being’s head just passed through your vaginal canal – is that correct?”

“Why yes, yes it is!”

“Excellent! Let us now present you with this Official Document of Motherhood.”

“Thank you!”

[insert cheesy music and fake smiles]

Hm. Neither of those really seem right, do they? Not because they’re ridiculous, mind you, but there’s the matter of mothers who gave birth via C-Section, and also the fact that, as everyone knows, Angle Dust doesn’t really exist (Fairy Dust, on the other hand, is 100% Completely Real. And it makes you fly).

So, anyway. I have another idea on how we are thought to so easily become great mothers.

Motherhood: it’s an inherited trait. Yes, Genes! Passed on from one woman to another! (Men are just carriers of the MOM Gene, the MOM traits are not expressed in them.) We are not aware of this gene while we are busy living our childless lives, carefree and able to do such amazing things as take more than 2 showers a week, sleep through the night, and have a moment’s thought to ourselves! While we selfishly sleep in as late as even 9am (sinful!) and dare to use the bathroom by ourselves, this gene is quiet and still within us. The gene lies dormant until a woman hears the special cry of a newborn human within which her own DNA is mingling with another’s. Then it is instantaneously activated.

In a flash, she has the innate ability to figure out/accomplish:

• Getting the little beast to feed properly.

• How to take care of another human being on 2.5 minutes of sleep a day.

• Perfection in diaper changes (NO LEAKS).

• What will take projectile poop stains out of carpet.

• Exactly what pitch of cry means “I might be dying” vs. “I’m a TOTAL FAKER.”

• The perfect diet for a finicky toddler.

• How to keep her stress level low enough that she does not strangle her partner*.

• Which television programs aren’t just toddler brain rot.

• When to use the duct tape for things other than boxes.

• How to defuse a tantrum without resorting to threats and/or bribery.

• Which activities will be both pleasing to a child as well as educationally stimulating, while not being so inane and boring that she wants to hold her head under water until everything seems to glow rainbow colors and the little pixies are singing to her...

And so much more!

[*daydreaming about it doesn’t count]

Seriously, who the HELL ever thought being a mother was something that just comes naturally to one? I’d like to find out. I have a serious bone to pick with that moron. A punch in the face is not out of the question, either.

The idea that we should all just fall into this natural rhythm with no bumps in the proverbial road is ridiculous, really. How many women have cried in frustration within their homes, worried endlessly about the choices they’re making while locked into their bathrooms, and screamed into pillows in order not to have a complete mental breakdown? How many of us have, at least once (and more likely multiple times), felt like we were failures because we could not live up to the ideal of MAGIC MOTHER?

This gig is like no other. If you don’t like your clients, you can’t just resign. The pay is dismal, the hours are murder. The boss is unforgiving, and the benefits? Well, crayon drawings, sloppy kisses, and smashed flowers are delightful, but they’re not going to pay for the cast on that broken leg. (Ok, ok. My sappy side demands that I tell you that crayon drawings, sloppy kisses, and smashed flowers really do = the best job on earth. But right now, that’s not the point, eh?)

The point is, we’re in it to win it, and there’s no turning back. I mean, this isn’t a jigsaw puzzle. If you lose some of the pieces, you can’t just put the whole thing back in the box. Pun intended. That kid will not be fitting back into Mom’s vagina, ladies and gentlemen.

It’s high time that mothers spoke up and told the truth about what it’s really like to be responsible for the nurturing, guiding, shaping, and development of another human being. That’s what I love about the Mommy-Blogger Revolution. More and more, woman are stepping forward, all different kinds of women, lots of them, and they’re saying the same thing: It’s not easy being a mom. Every single day is a learning experience, and you have to work your ass off to make things right by your kids. It can squeeze out every last drop of “you” that you have.

That being said, it’s also the most amazing, rewarding, life changing experience you will ever have the distinct privilege to complete. And somewhere along the way, I just know that we’ll look back on the days of their childhood and see that it really did all seem to come from within, somehow magically, right? Yeah - because we pushed, sweat, and grunted it out every second of every day. And we did it. We made mostly good choices and sent a decent human being out into the world.

Though it may have been hard, it was worth it, and we were good Mothers, we will realize.

Now excuse me. I have to go let my toddler out of the living room closet. He’s probably gnawed at least half-way through the duct tape by now. I really must soundproof that closet...

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Posted by Lynn, on 07-08-2008, 1. queenofthecastle Your article reminded me of a quote from Ruth Bell Graham and Gigi Graham Tchividjian: "It is against our nature to get up three or four times a night, yet we do it. It is against our nature to wipe dirty bottoms, clean up vomit, wipe runny noses, wash piles of dirty laundry, yet we do it. It is against the natural to be unselfish, yet as mothers, we have to be."   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by aellis7, on 07-06-2008, 2. I registered... So I could give you a rating... =)    -Anna E   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Marthavmuffin, on 07-05-2008, 3. Ms This is so true. love you and your blog :grin   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Cassandra Rae, on 07-05-2008, 4. The Beautiful Truth Oh my goodness...thank you so much for writing this beautiful article! It's about time we bust through the illusion of heart-breaking perfectionism and realize that true perfection is when we embrace our humanity...messy houses, dirty kids, and all.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by VDog, on 07-04-2008, 5. You did a *GOOD JOB!* Sorry the mother to a toddler in me brought out that *encouraging* title. ;)    Well said, sister. Looking forward to more!   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Beck, on 07-04-2008, 6. Great post! The women I know who took to mothering very easily grew up in families full of babies - they had much younger siblings, sisters having babies around them, aunts coming over with babies in arms. For many of us, we've never even HELD a newborn, let alone seen what goes into looking after them...   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by janelle, on 07-04-2008, 7. well written! fabulously written and oh so true!!! loved our article as i love your blog!   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by MaryAnn, on 07-04-2008, 8. 10 out of 10 True dat, Lotus. Well done.    I remember semi-fondly the months before my wedding when I would tell everyone in earshot that I was absolutely not worried about simultaneously becoming a wife AND a mom to three litle boys whose birth mother was (and is) out of the picture - "Oh, I've handled 25 kids a day for thirteen years in my classroom - three boys sounds like vacation!" Why no one slapped some sense into me, I will never know. Maybe they were taking bets on how long it would be before I upped my meds (our family crest feature a mother rampant and reads "Better Living through Pharmaceuticals").    Since those glory days, I have added a daughter to the mix, and I still can't find the owner's manual for these little people, and there are some days that I am grateful that no one will be giving me a performance review. But being their mom has been the making of me.     Looking forward to reading lots more Lotus wherever I can find you!   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Elsie Hanlin, on 07-04-2008, 9. River :roll I winged it day by day with my first one, the rest were easier because I kinda sorta had some idea what to do and when to do it. they're all grown now and two of them have their own children so I guess I did okay.  This is a post all pregnant for the first time women should read.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Sarah, on 07-03-2008, 10. - Um. Yup. You nailed it! :x   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by John S, on 07-03-2008, 11. Daddy In Training What? Am I the first Daddy to comment on this? It was a great article, but, then I wouldn't expect anything different. Congratulations on a job well done.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Veronica, on 07-03-2008, 12. http://somedaywewillsleep.com You know what? I am looking forward to giving birth to #2, simply because it means that my lovely partner will have to spend 4 days with the Toddler, WITHOUT ME.     Motherhood is instinctual? Well maybe by the time you have 4 kids it is...   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Bejewell, on 07-03-2008, 13. Ummmm... yeah I basically live in a constant state of I-Don't-Know-What-To-Do. But it is a ittle comforting to know I'm not the only one. We should start a revolution, or something.    P.S. Add insult to injury, I have to do MATH to post this comment? Really? That's messed up.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... » See all 1 replie(s) Posted by sara D, on 07-03-2008, 14. true Every thing you wrote is so true. I love your honest and witty view on motherhood.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Secret Agent Mama, on 07-03-2008, 15. You Are a Writer, Sho'nuff! Great job, Lotus! You hit the nails on their heads.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by witchypoo, on 07-03-2008, 16. you nailed it Mothering is the area that I have the least confidence in my abilities, simply because it is so hard.But, my kids are not in trouble with the law, and aren't man-whores, so I guess I did okay so far.   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Spunky, on 07-03-2008, 17. Ain't Natural! Holy Hell you make me laugh!! :grin :grin   Duct tape....gotta love it!!   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by Anna Ellis, on 07-03-2008, 18. Woo... You got it right! I loved reading this! It's so true! I always look forward to your blogs!    Love ya!   Anna Ellis :zzz   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by sara jo, on 07-03-2008, 19. rylees mom love ya, Lotus!   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment... Posted by ohmyseven.com, on 07-03-2008, 20. Love it. I'm not a mom yet, but I'm looking forward to it someday. What a great article... I think it depicts a humorous, yet probably accurate portrait of motherhood. :)    Brooke   » Report this Comment to the site administrators » Reply to this Comment...