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I don't know of anything in life worse than job hunting. Death, maybe. Junior high. Waiting around in the auto title bureau. But for long range frustration you can't beat job hunting. It's humiliating, dull, stressful, and frightening, and the end result-landing a job-isn't so hot either.

I had to look for work during the past several months. Pickings were slim. Each Sunday I looked in the classified Help Wanted section of the newspaper for a position. I looked under "E" for Editor. There were usually a few editor jobs around, but for rocks and minerals magazines. I couldn't apply for a job writing and editing articles about rocks and minerals. There were jobs for chemical editors, as well. I can't feign interest in that stuff. I know someone's got to do it, and not every rocks and minerals editor grew up dreaming of this kind of life. "When I grow up I wanna be an editor at Cobalt Age." Few of your schoolroom youngsters say this. I sure didn't. You didn't see me at the school science fair, either. I can't figure out carbonation; how could I write about zinc or bismuth?

Well, as they say, the good jobs usually aren't in the classifieds anyway. You have to network. That's big fun, too. I enjoyed calling busy people and saying I'd like to come in to talk with them about their work. They know what you're up to. You're looking to come in and beg like a dog for work, take up their lunch hour or their fooling-around time, all under the guise of an "informational interview." The only information I needed in one of those interviews was if any jobs were open. Once I found that out I got the hell out of there.

My problem is I hate bothering people; I hate asking them for anything. I'm not one of those people who feel they're doing an employer a big favor by working for them, though those people generally get ahead, damn it. I'm not pathetically grateful when I'm hired, either, because then you're really asking for it. (They'll give you all the grunt work.) I do well when I'm in, but I find it hard to ask to get in. You know what I mean?

I get flustered when I have to talk to people about my possible employment at their business. Usually silver-tongued and nimblewitted, I change into a Baby Huey-type character when I'm job hunting. I can't hide my nervousness when I make phone calls. Once I said "Duh . . . duhh" to some guy I was talking to about a job. Or I'd have a rare time when I would eloquently describe my skills and qualifications to a potential employer and then forget to mention that I wanted a job. Usually, though, the first thing I say is "Duhhh, I'm looking for a job, actually" which never has worked either.

With all that, it's often true that when job interviews or queries go badly it's just as well you don't get the job. When I first got out of school I was desperately looking for work and answered an ad from Mutual of New York for a marketing position, better known as selling insurance. I imagined myself making lots of money in marketing and even having fun doing it. I pinned all my hopes on this because I had nothing else going.

The interviewer liked me, mostly because I didn't appear to be a total numbskull, though I did feel he himself was a serious dweeb. He gave me a sales aptitude test, scored on a range from 1 to 18. "Don't worry," he told me. "Everyone gets above a 9, and that's all we're looking for."

I told the truth on the test. When it asked how I would respond to a person declining to buy insurance from me, I marked (c.) Give up and go away. When it asked what was my favorite activity I marked (c.) Sitting by myself. Like that. The interviewer called me later in the week and told me I scored a 4. He sounded mad. "Thanks for your interest in Mutual of New York," he said and hung up on me.

Now that I think of it, maybe job hunting could be worse. I might have done well on that test.

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