Quirkee.com - The Greatest Husband in the World

You are here: Home

Quirkee Voices

Guy Walks Into a Bar

The Greatest Husband in the World

Written by Matt Sadler

Wednesday, 30 January 2008

Wow.

I really didn't expect to win this award.

Seriously.

There are so many people that I want to thank.

I'll start with the other nominees who surely deserve a big round of applause. Give it up, folks.

Bill Clinton, Henry VIII, and Scott Peterson. Go on. Stand up, you guys. This award is for you, too!

You know, ladies and gentlemen, there are a great many things that I have done and continue to do that make me a very deserving recipient of this award.

Why just this week, when my wife took ill with a bronchial infection, I mustered my will, manned up and began to provide her with the Most Exquisite Spousal Care in the History of Matrimony.

Her every whim and fancy was cheerily attended to by me. The fact that this infection was accompanied by her monthly visitor was no problem for me and my seemingly endless supply of enthusiasm for keeping her happy.

Trips to the pharmacy, the grocery store and the local video store were accomplished with verve and élan. Late night cravings for candy bars and potato chips were immediately sated.

When we visited the doctor and were told that she was not only infected, but highly contagious, I laughed haughtily and stared down the possibility of my own infection with steely resolve.

When she stared at me in shock when I asked her to please sleep in the car to avoid a probable transfer of the infection to me, I did not become angry. I merely shrugged, donned a welder’s mask, went happily into the computer room and quietly nailed the door shut.

After that got a little old, I pried the door open and went into the living room where she was laid up on the couch with a fever and a look on her face that looked as though she would surely expire within the hour.

I figured that that would be as good a time as any to ask for a blowjob.

The look that she gave me was all I needed to know exactly what to do next. So I went straight to the grocery store and bought more tampons. Without even being asked to do so!

Her fever got worse and I meted out her meds at the appropriate intervals. Her coughing made her voice very ragged.

People, I’m not trying to suggest that her voice was overly scratchy, but Nick Nolte called and when she answered the phone, he said, “Holy shit, Lady! That’s a rough voice you’ve got there!”

Folks, Darth Vader offered her a lozenge!

But seriously…

I’m very happy that the Academy of Husbands has seen their way clearly to give this award to me. They are truly a wise bunch of guys.

It feels so good to stand here and accept this award. Especially when I think of all of the women in my life who dumped me. Ha! You could have wound up with THIS! But no, you had a problem with my predilection for porn. Jealous much?

Finally to the other husbands out there, I salute you. All of you who are out there every day fighting the good fight and going that extra mile to make sure your wives are happy and able to watch various house flipping marathons, you are the real heroes.

To the wives I say thank you. Thank you for being there and making the world a much prettier place. Also a word of advice for all of you who wish your husband could be a better one, more loving, more understanding and more willing to listen to the latest gossip at your office…

Actually four words…

Sloppy. Blowjob. Every. Morning.

Thank you and good night.